The 5 Priorities Do Matter

Dear Holly and Others,
This morning I was trying to write out a schedule for us and I am feeling overwhelmed. I have written out many schedules, and we do have a basic plan, and I try not to be too nitpicky -- focusing on routines more than detailed time slots. But, as I was doing it, I just began to feel irritated. So, I thought I would write this letter and ask for advice and wisdom.

My husband works odd hours and odd days.The only days that are the same in our household during the week are T,W, and F. Plus, with him home most mornings, it is hard to do schoolwork (we homeschool). Furthermore, I just feel like there is so much to do -- housework, yardwork, gardening (we have over 3 acres to tend to), schooling, let alone the important stuff like prayers, confession, adoration, mass, spiritual direction.

I think what I am trying to communicate is that first, I feel like I have too much to do and not enough time (like a budget: too many needs and not enough funds), and second, because of my husband's schedule, it is hard to have a regular schedule at home -- I want to be available to him while he is here, and we wait on him for morning prayers (I confess -- I have to remind myself to be thankful that I have a husband who is striving to live for Christ and wants to lead us in prayers) and, well, it is just harder to get things done while he is here because I want to be here for him. I really like to do as much schoolwork before lunch -- at 11 so we can have a family lunch with my husband, because it is just so hard to get it done after lunch. But, a thought occurred to me today: my two older children stay up later than the others and they could do some of their "individual" work after the littler ones are in bed.

So, I wanted to put this out to see if there is anyone who could offer some tips -- perhaps someone else can look at it and see a possibility I have not seen. Perhaps someone could offer advice on how to get the things done.To be honest, most days I feel like there is just too much to do to get the house clean and tidy, along with yard work and prayers and just general living, and therefore not enough time to do schoolwork.
Labels: About a Rule of Life

posted by Holly at 11:54 AM 2 comments

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Computer Break

Dear Ladies
I will be away from the computer (website & email) - mostly - until early June. I will keep you all in my prayers, and my apologies for those who must wait for my email replies. Please remember me in your prayers.
Blessings
Holly

posted by Holly at 5:32 PM

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

When Siblings Battle

Dear Holly and other Moms,
I am at my wits end with the fighting that is going on with our older 3 boys. Their ages 11 to 5 and they are just at each other all the time. Fighting, name calling, etc. - and then saying they aren't treated fairly by my husband or I when we try to get some control. We waffle between trying to prevent them from breaking rules (like calling each other names - which is forbidden) and letting them work it out (which they don't without being physical with one another). We just arrived home from a family 'getaway' - a few days at an indoor water park. The bickering was unreal. Granted - 6 of us in one hotel room suite instead of at home with playroom, etc. - was a lot of togetherness - but - they were burning off energy!! I felt so disheartened and ANGRY with them when we arrived home last night I just went to bed and woke up early to go to mass alone. I just couldn't bring myself to go to the later mass with all of them - so my husband took them. I just wonder if it's something my husband and I are doing wrong in our parenting. Anyone else have any suggestions? I know it's part of growing up but I just want them to not act like they hate each other.
Labels: 4th P Parent

posted by Holly at 3:00 PM 4 comments

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Re: Emailing Me

Hello Ladies
Please know that when you email me, I do not open attachments, so if you wish to write, please do so within the body of the email itself, or I will not see what you have written. If you have recently written with attachments and wonder why I have not responded, this is why! Please feel free to write again.

posted by Holly at 5:59 PM

Friday, March 28, 2008

Overcoming Computer Distraction

Dear Holly and Others,
I struggle incredibly with the distraction of this computer. Most of the time I'm sure it's just pure laziness because I don't feel like I accomplish all that much on here, just lots of reading. I was wondering what others do to curb this distraction if they suffer from it as well. Sometimes I feel like the only thing I can do is just get rid of it and maybe that is what I should do. But my hubby would NEVER go for it (he is equally distracted I think in the evenings).
Labels: 2nd P Person

posted by Holly at 1:53 PM 2 comments

Canadian Mother's Rule Workshop

To my Canadian Catholic Sisters!
The Familia group in Drayton Valley, Alberta will be having me over to visit ~ for the day ~ on 26th April 2008, in order to give a workshop on A Mother's Rule of Life. I'll be giving a couple of talks, and we'll be going through the workbook and how to develop one's own mother's rule. All are welcome!

Date: Saturday, April 26, 2008
Location: Westwind Motor Inn
4225-50 Street
Drayton Valley, AB
Cost: $75.00 including Workbook and Lunch
Contact Nicole at aand@telusplanet.net

posted by Holly at 1:42 PM

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Homeschooling Young Boys

Dear Holly,
I love your concrete examples from the post about Finishing School in the Morning! It's so helpful to see actual times attached to schedules. That's what I need, I am that kind of person! To go back to the original post...I have 2 fewer boys but their ages are the more troublesome...maybe. I have 3 boys, 1st grade, preschool and 3 years and I find I don't finish early either most days. Here is my problem: how do you keep the 3 and 5 year old occupied (read 'not fighting') when your 1st grade curriculum still requires a lot of engaged teaching time for a lot of subjects, and when your boy is so easily distracted. I feel like I am really neglecting my 3 year old and 5 year old because my 7 year old requires so much attention. I am trying to characterize the basic problem but I know there is much that goes into it including his temperament and mine, the curriculum and, in my opinion, a lack of discipline. I think he should be able to work more independently which means I have to send him to another room away from me and the other kids. Holly, what do you think about location of study for a 1st grader with a 5 and 3 year old in the mix?
Labels: Homeschooling

posted by Holly at 11:17 AM 3 comments

Friday, March 07, 2008

How Much Sports is Too Much Sports?

Dear Holly,
I am wondering what your take is on the sports issue. When our two oldest girls were young they played traveling soccer. After a few years of this I got a little smarter and saw how this was not good for the family to be running all the time. When they started high school we set a rule that they could play only two out of the three sport seasons. Well now my son is in high school and he wants to play three sports. After some persistence on his part I told him to write me a paper on why he thinks I should change the rule for him. He makes a good plea. He says that he needs to burn the energy. He feels that if he does not get the exercise that he needs, he tends to get irritable and not able to focus as well. He also feels that it is a good opportunity for him to evangelize to his class mates on the team by his good example. My husband thinks that we need to be able to change our rules according to where we are at and based upon the child. Of course he thinks we should let our son play the tree seasons of sports.
What do you think? To much sports or do I need to back off on this one?
Labels: 4th P Parent

posted by Holly at 3:08 PM 1 comments

Picture Schedules for Young Children Help Mummy

Dear Holly,
Maybe this a given but I just have to share. My kids are 5, 3, and one year old. The oldest since he was born has needed structure. He has always asked what we are doing next, even before I read MRoL. I have had a rule for almost 3 years now and lately I made a picture schedule(chart) for the kids. It has the hour in one column and each child (not the one year old) has their own column. It has made my life amazingly different. They aren't agruing about helping and everything is going so much easier. I asked my son why and he said, "I know I can go play next so I will help now,." even though I used to tell him that!! I guess now that he can see it, he really believes me. Anyway, I thought I would share because I thought the kids were a few years off from needing to see their parts in this.
Labels: 4th P Parent, About a Rule of Life

posted by Holly at 2:55 PM 3 comments

Monday, February 04, 2008

How to Finish School in the Morning

Dear Holly,
I've read your book and love it. I have 5 boys (grades 6, 5, 2nd, and a 5 and 3 yr old) and wonder how do you get your school done by 1230 p.m.? We always have to go to 2 or 3 p.m. What curriculum do you use? Especially for math and English/writing? Haven't yet set up my mother's rule schedule, because I'm afraid I'll fail. It seems I'm only doing school, laundry and whatever I can fit in...before it's time to cook dinner.
Labels: Homeschooling

posted by Holly at 4:26 PM 2 comments

Friday, February 01, 2008

One Reason Why A Rule Can be Hard to Follow...

Dear Holly,
I had a light bulb moment today, they don't happen often...:) I was standing in my kitchen and it came to me that I need to write down and work on what the spirit of my rule is. Now, I have to say that when I read the book Holly, I thought that yours sounded great and I thought ok, I'll do that when I get myself, kids, husband, home, etc in order. Well, that was two years ago and really will I ever be "in order". I think really I need to work on the spirit of my rule to help with the order, I keep falling away from my rule because I haven't had a written spirit so to speak. Something about having it written down makes it more real for me, more tangible. The starting point isn't just getting organized. So, I embark on an adventure, I think it will be part of my lenten
"project".
Labels: About a Rule of Life

posted by Holly at 10:50 AM 2 comments

Friday, January 18, 2008

A Teen's Prayer

Dear Holly (and other moms),
My teenage son is wonderful - generous to a fault, and with an ability to forgive easily and genuinely that leaves me breathless. However, he hates reading and the bulk of his Christian formation comes from attending Mass and listening to me read and teach. His own prayer life is non-existent. Whilst I can have him pray a family Rosary with us, once again it is with others....any ideas (starting small would be best) to develop good personal prayer and devotional habits for him??
Labels: 4th P Parent

posted by Holly at 8:22 PM 2 comments

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Our On-line Monastery

Dear Holly,
How providential it was that I came across your book a few weeks ago! I am a relatively new mother; my son is now fourteen months old. I am adjusting to the reality of motherhood, with all its challenges and joys, and have repeatedly determined to embrace it whole-heartedly. Oddly enough, it was on retreat at a monastery that the Lord impressed upon me the importance of a willingness to embrace the vocation of motherhood. Since then, he has been gently and persistently growing me in this.

Recently, I thought how helpful it would be to have some sort of community of women to share a "rule" with as the brothers at the monastery I often visit do. Behold the wonder of the internet! How happy I was to search for monasticism and motherhood and come across your website. I have just finished your book and am deeply thankful for your willingness to share your journey and thoughts with us. Thank you very much. May the Lord continue to grow you in His grace as you receive His presence this new year,
Labels: 1st P Prayer

posted by Holly at 6:34 PM 1 comments

How do I Find "Think Time" ?

Dear Holly (and other moms),
I first joined the MROL discussion group about a year or so ago when I was trying to start my Rule after moving to a new town. Lo and behold, God decided that I was instead to spend my time battling horrible morning sickness! After that my attention was focused on caring for a newborn and preparing for the holidays. Now that my daughter is 5 months old and we've started a new year, I am really wanting to get a good Rule in place. My biggest problem seems to be finding the time to actually sit down and create one! Between homeschooling, dental/doctor appointments, sports/music lessons, and the endless amount of housework and laundry that 6 children and 2 adults generate.I feel like all I'm ever doing is trying to catch up with myself. How can I "force" myself to create a good working Rule of Life? Any ideas or suggestions -especially prayers!-would be greatly appreciated.
Labels: About a Rule of Life

posted by Holly at 6:07 PM 2 comments

Teens & Dating

Dear Holly,
I am a first time poster on your site. I love your book, God is really speaking to me through you! My question is: What do you think of 16/17 year olds and dating? My children do not "date". However, my daughter has an interest in a God-fearing, Catholic young man and admits she probably loves him too. They have known each other all their lives and she is totaly serious about choosing a future spouse. She is really responsable and is looking for a man (like this fellow) who has high standerds, loves the Lord with all his heart and of course, is Catholic. I would like to hear your thoughts on this. God bless you, Holly!
Labels: 4th P Parent

posted by Holly at 11:17 AM 2 comments

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Fussy Eaters

Dear Holly,
Help! Family meal time is driving me crazy. I have a 5 year old boy who turns his nose up at just about everything unless he has missed lunch or breakfast. He will throw a fit about eating even the things he helps prepare. His sister who is 3 will either follow his lead or tell me how good it is and about three bites later tell me she if full or ask if she can be done. If she does eat it takes double the time anyone else at the table takes which makes her brother mad that he has to sit at the table while she finishes (we do end of meal prayer). Does anyone have any thoughts to make family meal time more peaceful.
Labels: 4th P Parent

posted by Holly at 2:21 PM 2 comments

Monday, December 17, 2007

19 Year Old Won't Pay His Way

Dear Holly,
We have 5 children. Our oldest son graduated high school in June of 2007 and is 19 years of age. After travelling to Europe in the summer, decided he did not want to pursue further education at this time. He began working full-time at a local grocery store in August and his net monthly pay is about $1500. We sat down with him and told him that if he were to go on to Post-secondary we would assist him with his school costs and housing, etc, but if he were going to work, he would need to pay rent of $300 per month. He accepted this, and agreed to transfer $150 twice monthly into our bank account. To date he has paid $200 of the $1000 owed for the past 5 months.

The last conversation we had was that he just didn't feel that he was getting anything of value for the $300 a month as he had to share a room with his 17 year old brother, is rarely home, purchases his own meals, etc. I went on to say that he should try to find a place to rent for $300 that provided shelter, heat, electricity, unlimited hot water, phone, the use of a computer with internet access, a stocked pantry, fridge and freezer (should he choose not to purchase meals), his laundry washed and folded, chauffering (he doesn't have a license). He said that I should just kick him out. At one point he was really frustrated with my insistence that we would not drop the rent payment and he complained to a friend that we were trying to control
him, the friend's parents said he could come and live with them. (These people take in all kinds of teens who leave home for various reasons.) We also agreed that because he was over 18 he is responsible for making decisions about when to come home, etc, but I have asked him to advise me in advance as to when he will be joining us for family meals, and if he is not going to come home at night. (We do ask that he attend Mass with us on the weekend if he is not scheduled to work and he complies with this for the most part.) There are no places to rent in our town for less than $2000 a month. (We have friends who have rental properties and if they have a vanacny the will get over 100 calls.) He also doesn't have any friends who are interested in sharing a place with him (if they could find something) as they are all living at home for free and saving for school or to travel. This means he needs to look elsewhere but, as he has not gone for his Driver's license, he is at a loss for transportation to work if he lives out of town.

It is time for a crucial conversation and I want to tell him that he needs to make good on the $1000 owed to date and that he needs to pitch in with the household maintenance on a regular basis whether he feels he is making a mess or not. (This has also been an onging disagreement...he says that he is never here and does not mess up the house...I feel that he is living in our home and needs to contribute to the maintenace of the home. If he was renting a place, he would have to do some kind of cleaning maintenance.) My fear is that I don't want this to escalate into a fight and have him storm out. And I wonder if he wants me to get angry and kick him out. Any insights you can offer would be appreciated.
Labels: 4th P Parent

posted by Holly at 2:47 PM 1 comments

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Schedule Hints for Back to Work

Dear Holly,
THANK YOU for your book! I've been searching for something,and your book has definitely given me direction. I sort of made a schedule, and am doing my morning prayer and evening everyday, but can't really seem to get into the groove of the schedule I made. My husband and I had another a baby boy in July, and am now back to work part time and will be back full time in Jan. Any suggestions on how to make a schedule to follow while working full time? I'm afraid that I won't use it and I'm not sure how well my husband will follow it while I'm not at home (He's home with them for the winter). Also, I've read and re-read "The Spirit of My Mother's Rule of Life", not sure I can make one as good as you, is that ok to just use yours? Why re-invent the wheel! Thank you again!
Labels: 5th P Provider

posted by Holly at 10:56 AM 1 comments

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

My Friends Say It is Too Much...

Dear Holly,
I am very interested in starting a rule for me and my family, but my friends who have read A Mother's Rule say it is too much, and that you have a crazy schedule. They say what you do is unnecessary. I don't feel I have any support to do this. Do you have any advice on this?
Labels: About a Rule of Life

posted by Holly at 3:34 PM 1 comments

Friday, November 09, 2007

Discerning School Choice

Dear Holly,
I am a mother of three small children: a 4 year old, a 3 year old and an almost-1 year old. My husband and I are facing a new "challenge" for us now that falls somewhere in a mother's rule of life - trying to decide what type of schooling we should provide for our children. Our 4 year old boy will be 5 in March and then almost 6 when school starts in fall of 08 just in time for kindergarten.
I need your advice in discernment and how do you know God's will: Private or homeschool? I honestly love the idea of homeschool but 1.) I don't think I could do it. 2.) My husband does not support it. 3.) Even if he did, his job takes him away from the family with many long hours. We could probably send our children to private school but my husband , who is not Catholic, is not to excited about that either.
I am Catholic, our children are and they will go to a Catholic school but how do you choose? Where do you draw the line? Do you choose a school that is close but could be "week in the faith" or a school that seems to have it all and is 15 miles out of the way and you would have to pile all the babies/younger children in the cold car to get your child to the school that seems like a good choice? Could you send me some tips in making the right choice?
Labels: 4th P Parent

posted by Holly at 4:21 PM 2 comments

Sunday, October 21, 2007

A Random Nurser

Dear Holly,
Thank you so much for your beautiful book! I am truly grateful to you for sharing with us how Our Lord has worked and is working in your life. Order and Peace we need! I have a quick question for you; if you have any ideas I'd appreciate them immeasurably. My husband and I have 6 boys (ages 10, 8, 7, 5, 3, and 6 months). Our youngest, a babe in arms, is a random nurser. How do I work his random needs into my rule or should my rule revolve around him and when I think he will eat or sleep next? Thank you for your thoughts
Labels: 4th P Parent, About a Rule of Life

posted by Holly at 1:15 PM 4 comments

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

And the Kids Roll Their Eyes...

Dear Holly,
I purchased A Mothers Rule of Life back when it was first available. I love it. You can tell by the fact that it is falling apart that I read and re-read it. I have been working on my rule for several years but I STILL don't have it quite right. I recently purchased the ebook (workbook) and it has helped me to re-focus, being with the 1st P and so on. But now, every time I tell my kids we're going to change our schedule a little, they all roll their eyes and say (or think) "not again!". Does anyone else have this problem or am I just not competent in this area? I'm really hoping that by starting with the first P and making sure we are solid in that before adding anything else it will help. Just open to suggestions here.
Labels: About a Rule of Life

posted by Holly at 8:07 AM 5 comments

Saturday, September 29, 2007

IT'S READY! IT'S HERE!

NOW AVAILABLE!

A Mother's Rule of Life: Establishing your Practical Rule
(Printable Workbook (PDF Format))

Thanks to the assistance of Christi Gareis, the long-awaited workbook is now here for you to purchase.

Please note that you will only have access to the workbook ONCE through this site - after payment through PayPal, you will automatically be re-directed to the workbook - and you will have to immediately bookmark and/or copy down the URL.

Also, please keep in mind that the purchase is for your use only, and I request that you do not share the address of the ebook with your friends, but refer them to this website for purchase.

May God bless you as you use this workbook to help you become even more faithful to God's calling in your life.
Where I Can Purchase the Mother's Rule Workbook

Table of Contents can be found in the previous post. If you purchase, and think mothers will benefit from this workbook, please consider saying so in the comments section. Thank you.
God Bless You
Holly
Labels: About a Rule of Life

posted by Holly at 3:16 PM 4 comments

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

A Mother's Rule: Establishing Your Practical Rule WORKBOOK

A companion workbook to supplement "A Mother's Rule of Life" (Sophia 2004).

Table of Contents:

I. Introduction

II. Assessing Where the Time Goes

III. The First P Prayer
1. Instructions
2. A Mother's Liturgy of the Hours
3. Holly's Sample Morning Prayers

IV. The Second P Person (Part I)
1. Instructions
2. Caring For Our Persons

V. The Third P Partner
1. Instructions
2. Loving Our Husbands

3. The 2nd P Part II
a) Eating for Health and Holiness
b) Meal Planning Made Easy
c) Sample Weekly Meal Plans

VI. The Fourth P Parent
1. Instructions
2. The Religious Formation of Our Children
3. The Personal Formation of Our Children

VII. The Fifth P Provider
1. Stewardship & The Home
a) Room Analysis
b) Home & Property Analysis
c) Chore Chart
d) Weekly Chore Chart
e) Sample Weekly Chore Charts
f) Outside Chore Chart
g) Seasonal Chore Chart

2. Stewardship & Finances
a) Financial Stewardship
b) Financial Assessment (Expenses, Debts & Income)
c) Monthly Budgeting
d) Sample Budget

VIII. Pulling It All Together
1. Daily Mother's Rule Sheets
2. Weekly Routines Sheet

IX. On A Final Note
The Spirit of My Mother's Rule
Labels: About a Rule of Life

posted by Holly at 3:02 PM

Friday, August 24, 2007

Clamouring for Mummy's Attention

Dear Holly,
I have 4 children. We have a rule in progress. However, it seems as thoughmy children always want more time with me (or Dad, but mostly me!).
The 4 year old behaves so much better when he gets lots of storytime and games with me. However, at what point will he stop doing "naughty" things (hitting, noises, etc.) to get my attention. Will I ever be able to fill this child's emotional need? At the same time, the 8 year old says he doesn't get any attention, not enough stories away from said little brother, he has to do too much stuff on his own, etc. How does he forget the hours spent playing catch? Then the older 2 will be fine and then want a game when they are supposed to be in bed.
Our rule is in progress so perhaps as our rule gets executed better, everyone will find they are getting enough of me. In the
meantime, if I try to give everyone the attention they are demanding, time for chores, work, and me gets neglected which makes me irritable and frustrated. Basically, everyone wants me all the time. And then when Dad gets home, it seems fair that he should have a few minutes to change and shift gears, but he seems to have so little patience for the little people wanting and needing a bit of his time and attention. Because of all these circumstances, I feel as if I am always on duty which makes me even more frazzled feeling. And with our homeschool year about to begin again, I'm thinking we have to be able to improve upon this. Help?
Labels: 4th P Parent

posted by Holly at 2:26 PM 3 comments

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

About a Spiritual Director

Dear Holly,
I am looking for advice about finding a spiritual advisor. I became a Catholic about 9 years ago and feel as though I need more information and guidance than my RCIA classes were able to provide. So how do I go about getting a spiritual advisor? Who can be a spiritual advisor? Any advice?
Labels: 1st P Prayer

posted by Holly at 3:17 PM 2 comments

Monday, August 20, 2007

Struggling with Finding Prayer Time

Dear Holly,
I have really searched myself wondering if I'm just putting off prayer or if I really struggle to find a time, and have found the latter to be the case; I would really appreciate any insight you can offer here. I have two children, 2 1/2 and 7 months, who wake up around the same time I do. And though I can get a prayer time in when they both nap, often I want a nap myself, or for whatever reason find myself going from one to the other with no personal time, or the time for prayer occurs so late in the day that I'm exhausted and am able to give so little to it. While the other Ps have their different levels of difficulty, this one in particular demands alone time, which is so hard to come by as a mom of small children.

I know that prayer is very important, and that we can hardly put it off until during these childbearing/young children years. I truly do not understand, however, how to make it a consistent part of my life. Is the answer to allow for inconsistent times?
Labels: 1st P Prayer

posted by Holly at 4:04 PM 9 comments

Rotating Books?

Dear Holly,
When you sort/rotate kids' toys, do you also rotate their books as well? Or do you make them all available at all times? I
initially thought it best to keep all my kids' books available, but am rethinking this now. We are starting to get so many, they are getting overwhelming.
Labels: 4th P Parent

posted by Holly at 1:33 PM 4 comments

Toddlers & Feast Days

Dear Holly,
We have two young boys, 2 years old and 6 months. We would like to start celebrating feast days with our oldest, but don't know where to begin. We have never celebrated feast days and were wondering how to do so with a young toddler. Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated!
Labels: 4th P Parent

posted by Holly at 1:24 PM 3 comments

When Husband Travels...

Dear Holly,
I have two questions having to do with the fact that my husband travels for work and so is out of town more than he is home. Typically he will be away for 3 weeks to a month and then home for anywhere from a few days to two weeks. Because of the nature of his job, he never knows more than a day or two in advance when he will be leaving or coming home.

First question, I'm not sure how to add the "3rd P" to my rule. When he is gone there is little I can do other than be available to receive his phone calls or chat with him online.

Second, I don't know how to keep my rule and schedule intact when he is home. Would it be more realistic, do you think, to have a completely different and more "open" schedule when he is home?

We are hoping he only has to work like this another year or two, but I have to figure out the best way to deal with it in the meantime.
Labels: 3rd P Partner

posted by Holly at 1:11 PM 2 comments

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Multi-Faceted Discipline Issues

Dear Holly,
This question has come up with countless women I have spoken with and is much discussed between my sister and I after a "trying day" with our youngsters. A number of my friends have 3 or 4 small children (under age 5) very close together is age. While we all use corporal punishment, many of us try to only use it when absolutely necessary. What we find very confusing is the use of time-outs, whether they be in a child's room, a corner or on a naughty step.

Let me provide you with an example: Child is blatently disobedient when mommy asks them to stop pushing a sibling. Child is warned once (or not at all), then sent to the time-out (mother simply says "time-out") for an appropriate time (timer is set for minutes according to their age). No discussion occurs until after the timer has gone off.

At this point a few things can happen. Child will refuse to stay in time-out or will start screaming and throwing a tantrum. Alternately, child completes time-out and then apologizes. A few minutes later the child is reapeating the undesireable behaviour.

According to many modern "pop psychologists" you are to allow the child to scream and throw a fit in the time-out, but to us this seems to be unfair to the rest of the family who must endure this racket and shows a complete lack of respect for everyone else who is trying to continue with their lives. If the child refuses to stay in time-out and you spend the entire time picking up their rag doll body and returning them to the time-out, we also feel the time-out wasn't really "completed". Some other children are quite apathetic and will accept the time-out and then simply apologize and continue with the bad behavior. In all of these examples we feel that the time-out was ineffective and requires a follow-up form of discipline.

Should the child have to repeat the time-out? Should the timer not be started until the child is quiet ready to begin the time-out? Should this be a spanking?

So our question is definitely multifaceted and requires a number of answers. I have read countless books on discipline and unfortunately none addresses the exact steps required for any different circumstance. Holly would you please help put this issue to rest. Please be specific!

What do we do if they start screaming in time-out? What do we do if they refuse to stay in time-out? What do we do if they repeat the bad behavior immediately after a time-out? Are time-outs something that just need to be repeated everytime a child requires punishment and no positive effect will be seen for years? Please help us provide firm, yet constructive discipline to our young children and help us live our Mother's Rule of Life.
Labels: 4th P Parent

posted by Holly at 1:48 PM 14 comments

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Doing Group Catechism as a Family

Dear Holly,
I am familiar with the Apostolate of Family Consecrated in the Truth and I like the idea of using just one textbook for my children's catechism. Are you using their appropiate grade levels for each child while you use your family textbook? How are you doing it with several children? Usually, someone told me most homeschoolers just take the middle level workbook (ex: 6 yrs old and 8 yr old use level 2 workbook instead of level 1 and level 3) and order how ever many so everyone is on the same page. I just want to have a Religion class together instead of having to read and teach individual classes. I am thinking to about just putting them in the parish Sunday school. But then again I love doing that with them because it teaches ME So much!!! How do you use the Apostolate of Family Consecration program?
Labels: 4th P Parent, Homeschooling

posted by Holly at 11:42 AM 1 comments

Possible Pregnant Rule?

Dear Holly,
At a Catholic Homeschooling forum that I belong too, the subject of MROL has come up. A lot of good stuff of course, but I'm also hearing about how it's nearly impossible to have a rule when you are pregnant and have small children. I didn't try to set up a rule when my kids were infants, but I'm thinking it would have been a help. Maybe I'm just more relaxed about it then most people...I use my rule as a guide line, but if for some reason I can't get to everything then that's the way it is and I just go on with life. Do you have any recommendations for pregnant women and moms of small children that I can share with this group?
Labels: 4th P Parent, About a Rule of Life

posted by Holly at 8:16 AM 6 comments

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Kids & Independant Chores

Dear Holly,
After reading your inspiring book, I had the opportunity to hear you speak in Milwaukee this spring. Thank you for sharing your advice and experience.
I am wondering what tips you have for motivating young ones to do work on their own without being told. I have 5 children under 7 and find myself having to tell them over and over to do the things they are used to doing each day . . . brush teeth, wash face, etc. I have not instituted chore charts yet which may help as a visual for me to show them rather than talking so much. But I am wondering from you experience, what have you found helpful? Also, how do you construct your charts? Are they simply handwritten or done on the computer where they can be modified or some other form?
Labels: 4th P Parent, 5th P Provider

posted by Holly at 5:39 PM 3 comments

Single Moms

Dear Holly,
I recently began reading A Mother's Rule of Life and it seems to be exactly what the doctor ordered. My catch is this - I am a single mom and wonder how this will hinder my efforts to implement the rule because I have to leave out the third P. I have been a single mom all along and over time converted back to my Catholic faith. All the Catholic parenting websites have advice for married couples, but none for faithful and (now) orthodox single mums. I look around and think where do I fit in?! Then I found your book and was so excited. It just makes so much sense and resonated in my soul! Have you had any other single moms contact you with regards to establising a rule of life? Has anyone been able to successfully implement it? I'm wondering if I can really do it. Any pointers or guidance you can provide would be greatly appreciated.
Labels: About a Rule of Life

posted by Holly at 5:32 PM 2 comments

Using the Labels

I have finished labelling all my posts! :-) Please use them to discover posts on all the 5 Ps and Homeschooling. If you are interested in only the posts on parenting, for example, click the label on one of the 4th P posts and all the labeled parenting posts will show up on one page. The labels are:

About a Rule of LIfe
1st P Prayer
2nd P Person
3rd P Partner
4th P Parent
5th P Provider
Homeschooling
Miscellaneous

posted by Holly at 9:00 AM

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

On Modest Dressing for Mom...

Dear Holly,
I am currently in RCIA (to be received fully into the church in a couple of months), in a rather liberal church - more so than I had realized when I started my classes. As a protestant, I was exposed to and studies in depth teachings about modest dress / dresses only / head coverings. Then, as I began the transistion to the Catholic church, I had the impression that all that 'super modesty stuff' was just from those 'protestant ultraconservatives'. After all, I have seen all manner of attire going to Mass. Maybe not quite swimsuits, but certainly some very short skirts/shorts, rather revealing cleavage, etc. Even many of those serving as EM's don't dress up. Therefore, I have had no problem wearing shorts and jeans as my regular attire, including jeans to Mass.

Lately, however, with an eight year daughter beginning to have a definite interest in clothes, the Lord has been convicting me of the need evaluate my wardrobe. In doing some research I was amazed to find out that the Church really has discussed modesty - quite a bit actually - in some of the earlier writings. I guess nowadays there are more pressing matters, I don't know. However, not that long ago the Church definitely promoted modest and feminine dress for women. St. Padre Pio wouldn't give absolution to women wearing pants or an immodest dress, according to www.catholicplanet.com in an article about women's dress. This website strongly expresses the idea that women should generally wear dresses and skirts as a matter of routine, based on Scripture, and also discusses head coverings. This site, along with a couple of others I have looked at, do not seem to look at dresses as simply a "cultural thing" but a thing based on Scriptural teachings.

What is your opinion of this matter of dress? While I fully admit to being more comfortable in shorts and jeans, I don't want to be dressing in a matter that the Church would not accept as appropriate. Certainly I don't want to model inappropriate dress in front of my children! Please understand - I never wear cleavage showing outfits or short skirts anyhow. But, shorts that show thighs, or jeans - on a regular basis. Some would say that I am being immodest, which is quite painful to hear. However, if I were to wear the shapeless long long jumpers worn by some my hubby would have a fit. I tried it once...... his opinion was clear shall we say........
Labels: 2nd P Person, 4th P Parent

posted by Holly at 10:00 AM 10 comments

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Dealing With Lack of Affirmation

Dear Holly,
I was wondering if you might have any recommendation or resource you could recommend to me. I have been re-reading Dr. Baars books and find myself feeling the need for affirmation. I seem to slip into depression every few months and am wondering if this might be part of the missing puzzle. I have been to counseling for depression, to counseling for child
abuse (I was molested as a very small child), and to see a priest for healing and forgiveness. Just hoping you might have some suggestion.
Labels: 2nd P Person

posted by Holly at 2:03 PM 5 comments

Monday, June 25, 2007

A Bubblegum Dilemma

Dear Holly,
Whenever we go out to eat, in spite of our attempt to be vigilant, my four year old daughter somehow manages to pull gum out from under the table and puts it into her mouth. We have tried everything that we can think of to discourage this. Any ideas? It is hard to find a natural consequence that is proximate enough to be meaningful.
Labels: 4th P Parent

posted by Holly at 10:41 AM 3 comments

Husband is a Deacon

Dear Holly,
Where would you place my husband's duties as a deacon? Under the first P for him? What about my duty to support him in his vocation? This past weekend, I went on a personal retreat, but I struggled somewhat with my decision to go (my husband encouraged me to do so) because he had the children by himself the entire weekend, and he had to chant for Vespers on Saturday and Divine Liturgy on Sunday.
Labels: 3rd P Partner

posted by Holly at 10:34 AM 1 comments

Beset with Worries

Dear Holly,
I am just starting out with scheduling--I am fearful of failure so I keep putting it off. My oldest , age 9 is ADHD and I know I would be stepping up to my responsibilities if I set up a schedule, beginning this summer. I hope to begin homeschooling in the fall and would like the summer to prepare. I have a lot of worries, one is my mental state--I am prone to depression and I fear that homeschooling and being confined to the home will worsen it. But I also feel that God is calling me to at least "try it". I am beset with worries ( I tend to sabatoge myself before I begin) and would like advice on how to best begin. Was there a computer program you used to set up (excel?) Is anyone out there familiar with ADHD and how best to work with it in regards with a MROL? I do feel like the devil hates the idea of a MROL because it elevates the vocation of motherhood in that it makes it a holy and sacred profession ... what it always was but our culture does not regard it as such in many circles.
Labels: 2nd P Person, About a Rule of Life

posted by Holly at 10:05 AM 8 comments

A Mother's Rule For a Working Mom

Dear Holly,
I am re-reading MROL with great interest and am using the questions to discern, with the help of my spiritual director, what might be a useful rule to aid me on this journey of holiness. My question is this - have you had any feedback from moms working outside the home regarding things that have helped in the development and implementation of their Rules? For a variety of reasons, working outside the home in addition to being a wife and mother is where I find myself, and I hope to continue on the path to personal and familial sanctity in the midst of our particular situation. I don't imagine it's impossible, just that some of the specifics might need to be tweaked a bit to reflect the chunk of time that I'm out in the workplace (and perhaps with a different focus of finding ways to maintain a prayerful, recollected spirit in the workplace). Any thoughts that others might have shared on this topic would be most helpful.
Labels: 5th P Provider, About a Rule of Life

posted by Holly at 9:36 AM 2 comments

Following Through on Chores

Dear Holly,
I have a specific question regarding discipline. My children are 13 (almost 14), 10 and 7. I have used a variety of charts and systems for chores. My biggest problem is having the kids follow through. What do you do in your family when a chore isn't done?
Labels: 4th P Parent

posted by Holly at 9:16 AM 1 comments

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Making the Best Use of the Summer for My Rule

Dear Holly,
School is over now for my family and I was wondering what hints you might have to help me use the summer to make my rule better? What can I do to make the next school year run more smoothly?
Labels: About a Rule of Life

posted by Holly at 2:39 PM 1 comments

Saturday, April 14, 2007

How to Discipline a Child Who Lies

Dear Holly,
I was inspired by your talks recently at a Home Schooling Conference in St. Louis. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us. I especially gained much from the talk on discipline. Already, just taking on the mindset of a teacher has helped. I realized that often I take the children's infractions personally. Thinking of myself as a teacher helps remove the issue of taking
things too personally. THANKS!!

I wanted to ask you a question about discipline. My daughter is 4-1/2. She is a very strong willed child--and has three older brothers which probably doesn't help much with that. Anyway, she has begun to lie...a lot! I've tried talking to her about telling truth. How it's important to always tell truth to mommy and daddy. It's not working. I even succumbed once to putting soap in her mouth (something I was subjected to as a child and I think it worked with me!!). I'm struggling to think of a natural consequence for lying that isn't too subtle for a 4 year old. Any ideas?
Labels: 4th P Parent

posted by Holly at 8:32 PM 7 comments

Monday, April 09, 2007

Struggling With Inconsistency

Dear Holly,
I struggle with inconsistency. What is at the root of inconsistency? I get enthused about trying something new, or setting a schedule, (ie. attending daily Mass, nightly prayers as a family, etc.) but find my ability to stick with it soon fades. It greatly bothers me that I never manage to follow through with these things and find excuses not to.
Labels: 2nd P Person

posted by Holly at 4:50 PM 2 comments

How Do I Find Time to Get Started?

Dear Holly,
I was fortunate to attend the recent Homeschooling conference in St. Louis, MO and greatly enjoyed hearing you speak. I've read your book all the way through once and continually pick it up to go through it in bits and pieces. I long for the balance and peace you found through your establishment of a Rule. However, with 6 kids, church work, homeschooling and just simply LIFE, I feel like I need a week to myself with no kids or husband bringing interruptions to get a Rule of Life in place. How do you, or others, suggest one contemplates a rule and then actually implements it amoungst the daily comings and goings? I find myself struggling to find time to even create a "To Do" list for each day, let alone the time it seems it would take to establish a rule.
Labels: About a Rule of Life

posted by Holly at 4:42 PM 1 comments

Large Family, Homeschooling, and Perseverance

Dear Holly,
I have read your book and am now rereading it. I think the first time I was looking for the magic fix and now, out of sheer desperation, I am looking at the spirit of the rule and trying to take it to heart. I have just had baby #6, who is 14 weeks, and I have 5 other children ages 2 to 11. We have had some major life upheavals in the past few months with emergency surgeries and hospitalizations of two of my children. As a result, homeschooling has become completely overwhelming but I know that I need to persevere. I am sure you hear these stories all of the time.

First of all, what do I do with all of my little ones and the unplannable interruptions. It is hard to plan demand feedings, fussy babies, and destructive, energetic toddlers into the equation. I have read so many homeschool ideas for babies and toddlers that seem like they were written by someone with 2 schoolkids and maybe one baby. I have 3 in school and 3 to corral. Every day, every hour is so unpredictable that I don't know how I could make a schedule flexible enough until my babies grow up.

Also, what in your experience is the best homeschool approach for someone with a large family. Again, so many great programs seem to be aimed at moms with more time and flexibility. I feel strongly about high standards educationally but there is only so much I can do. Do I need to lower my standards? After 2 years of Seton I have been using A Beka video school this year and just not doing the religion and history for the older kids. I replace them with Catholic studies. I love Catholic Heritage and Sonlight, but they are very time consuming. I know that outside acivities are a major time sucker and distraction so we have cut back quite a bit on those. I want you to know I could have written the first few pages of your book, I was soooo ready to quit last week. My husband encouraged me to keep it up with lots of prayer, and now reviewing MROL has given me hope that there is a solution, I just can't quite grasp it yet. I think that the particular problems of mothers of large families, especially homeschooling, are very different than those with 3 or 4. How does one know when it is in fact too much and that the kids really do need to go back to school? I had to pray fervently to ask God to change my husband's heart to let me homeschool and then when I wanted to put them back in school, he was the one encouraging me to try again. In my heart I do think the kids need to be home, but it is much more difficult than I ever imagined.
Labels: 4th P Parent, Homeschooling

posted by Holly at 3:22 PM 8 comments

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

An Early-Rising Issue

Dear Holly,
Is it virtuous to be an early-riser? I have a son who is almost 5 and is not at all a morning person. My original schedule/rule was to get him and his brothers up at 7:15, which is not really all that early by many standards. But even with this modest wake-up time, it is always a struggle to get him up and out of bed, and a cheerful attitude at this hour of the morning is non-existent. He complains, stays in bed until the threat of punishment is used, is slow to get dressed once he is out of bed, says he can't get dressed or make his bed with out help, and is mean to his 2 younger brothers. I have tried offering incentives if he is able to get up and dressed quickly. I have waffled back and forth between helping him and making him at least try to do things on his own. I have tried singing to him in the morning and tickling him to get him up. I have tried the gradual approach of addressing him only after I have gotten the other 2 boys up and dressed. I have tried getting him to bed earlier, but he only lays awake talking to him self and fighting sleep until 9:30 or so (normal bed time is 8:30). In short, I have tried everything I can think of to make mornings more pleasant for him. All to no avail. I have even let him sleep longer on some occasions, and he will usually naturally wake up around 8am, in a much pleasanter mood. So my question is, am I making this a bigger issue than it needs to be? We don't really need to be up early as we are planning on homeschooling, so should I just take the cues from him and let him sleep longer in the mornings? Or is it important to learn the discipline of getting up early? Is this a question of virtue? Or is there another approach to getting him up and moving that I haven't thought of? Do you or any readers have suggestions on things to try to that I have missed so far?
Labels: 4th P Parent

posted by Holly at 1:39 PM 6 comments

Supervision Quandries

Dear Holly,
Is it realistic for my 4-and-5 year old to handle jobs on their own, as we schedule the work to be done at the same times? For example, if I'm helping my daughter fold and put away her laundry, my son is not following my teaching of his specific job, although he is purely putting his best intentions, efforts, and time in doing his work, but things end up "wetter" in areas I trust him to clean (b/c I've watched him do it) than I like. Are my four-and-five year old precious joys capable (or I may not be as trusting) in the "kinds" of jobs I give to them from start to finish.

When the three of us are working in the home doing our very simple chores (putting clean laundry away), sorting some laundry, making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and "mopping" the floor with a Swiffer of all things, I come back to find that my son has "added" cups and cups of water to the floor while using the Swiffer mop and flooded large areas that I had been trusting him to do-- that's why I purchased the Swiffer so that he would not need to use a mop and bucket (as that was a disaster each time we tried that method). Now, this was all happening when I was helping my daughter to fold/put her clean laundry away (she's good at that but still needs supervision); for example, tonight I went to fetch a pair of what I thought were clean socks from her drawer for bedtime and found her disgustingly dirty socks, unfolded, in her clean socks drawer.

Having given you a small example of a typical tidiness day in our home, I don't know how I can make myself available to supervise and train each child separately, as they become distracted and competitive whenever they're together as I'm teaching them. I can't trust my daughter to do her best while she's learning, and I certainly can't train my boy to do his best and do it the way Mommy shows him over and over without him adding his own 'innocent' ideas of how he thinks the work should be done.

While these things are going on throughout small portions of my day, I can't seem to keep laundry going, dishes kept clean and put away, making breakfast, lunch, and trying to make dinner (which my poor husband most often has to finish up when he gets home around 7:00 each night). My friend dropped over a few days ago, unannounced of course.....yikes........, and although the house was clean it had little piles of undone/disordered places all over the different rooms of my house. I seriously do not have a room that is completed at any given time. This friend, in a warm and heartfelt loving attitude said, "I couldn't live in this chaos; and I don't know how you can either". I admitted to her that I can't. This truly got to me the entire rest of the day, though I felt God quite near me telling me He is sufficiently proud of my efforts.

With NO outside help or friends that I can trust to watch my kids, and my parents being older in their mid 70's and my mom having a life-long history of mood disorder (which greatly affects me to this very day; I'm 40 years old and changes the children's behaviour whenever they go over there), I feel ALONE in keeping this house. And almost tormented by the constant "Mommy, come here, I need you, help I'm scared, I can't do thus-and-such by myself, etc... I find myself stopping EVERY thing that I'm diligently trying to complete or get a handle on, and those things are left undone.
Labels: 4th P Parent, 5th P Provider

posted by Holly at 10:29 AM 1 comments

Friday, March 16, 2007

Side-Tracked!

Dear Holly,
Boy, am I struggling with disciplining myself to stick with my rule. More often than not I am so side-tracked! And honestly, I feel that it is not honorable distractions but pure slothfulness. If anybody has any advice on how to fight that I would sure welcome it. I have my rule posted on the wall, but I am so inconsistant at staying at it. The poor kids never know if I'm going to expect them to stick to it or not. I feel like such a failure in this area.
Labels: 2nd P Person, About a Rule of Life

posted by Holly at 10:11 AM 4 comments

Husband's Schedule Mixes Up Mother's Rule

Dear Holly,
As I finally get my children to bed, here I sit, exhausted and frustrated. I simply don't know how to handle the fact that my husband's schedule is completely unpredictable and keep any kind of consistent rule. Does anyone have a rule that doesn't depend in some way on her husband?

My first P depends on the fact that he can be here until 7 am so I can do my morning prayer. Over the last 2 weeks, I think I've done it twice. He is either gone to an early meeting or sleeping as late as possible because he is exhuasted. I end up doing it in the shower, or 2 hours late after the baby goes down for her nap. Also, so I can have my Adoration time, he needs to be here Thursdays by 8 pm. Every night before we go to bed I ask him where he is working the next day (he switches locations), if he'll be home for lunch, and if he has any early morning/evening obligations. To no avail, and due to no fault of his own, something always comes up. And I do mean always! I even missed my last Confession date (a Sat. am once a month) because there was a breakfast he had to attend 45 mintues away. I'll spare you the details, but he didn't get home until after 2:00 pm. He has to spend time out of state, and when he comes home, we have a wonderful family evening together. but then, like today, he calls and says that there is a meeting at 6:00 pm he has to go to. This, of course means his dinner is on hold. He also told me that there is a wake he as to attend tomorrow evening at 5:30 - so he will again miss dinner with us and bedtime. In the last 2 weeks, we have had 2 dinners together as a family.

I am so thankful that he has a job and works so hard to provide for our family. I am blessed that when he is here he pitches in every way. But I am feeling sabotaged and don't quite no what to do. Anyone else been through this?
Labels: 3rd P Partner

posted by Holly at 7:56 AM 9 comments

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Room Purposes and Prayer Spots

Dear Holly,
I am about to jump into a serious decluttering of my possessions. Can you give some examples of the "purposes" for different rooms? Especially the rooms shared by all the family. Can rooms have more than one purpose (or MANY purposes)? Also, can you give some examples of ideas for a prayer spot, or advice on how to go about picking one?
Labels: 5th P Provider

posted by Holly at 3:07 PM 2 comments

A Difficult Transition

Dear Holly,
My husband and I have 6 children, ages 10 down thru to 3 months. We began homeschooling our oldest four this year at the end of their 1st quarter in a Catholic School. Up until this time our kids had attended the Catholic school, which is 30 miles from our home. We live in a small town amidst a farming community. We are all making adjustments and feeling our way through this. I have lots of concerns and doubts, but I also have days I am very assured this is the right choice for our family. However, our kids are having a rather difficult time making the adjustment. When it comes right down to it, I think they mostly miss their friendships. Their Catholic school was a small school with a very family-like environment. The classes were small, and the friendships formed were close. I have now become "the person who has taken them away" from their friends and I feel like they resent me. I have tried to keep the connections between those friends but the distance and family circumstances (new baby, illnesses, etc.) have made it somewhat difficult. Because we live in such a small, rural community those activities that might be available in larger communities just aren't here for an outlet or change of pace. To keep from going on any longer, do you have any advice for making the transistion easier on them? I only know of two other families who homeschool in our area and they have always homeschooled so this isn't a situation they are familiar with. Are there other women who have made a change similar to ours and could share what worked for them?
Labels: Homeschooling

posted by Holly at 2:42 PM 2 comments

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