Help With Your Mother's Rule

Help With Your Mother's Rule is a forum for women who want trouble-shooting help with their Mother's Rules or about any aspect of the 5 Ps of the married vocation.

Ask Holly: This blog is composed of your questions. Contact me at the address listed on Holly's Helpers page and I will respond. Please share your unique ideas as well. The more ideas and experience we share, the more successful every mother will be in designing her own unique Mother's Rule.

Friday, July 26, 2013

Hubby Won't Help at All...

Dear Holly,
My husband does not and has not helped me ever with morning or evening routines, caring for the kids, housekeeping, no dishes, no trash out, no nothing. Thank God for my faith!! He has some psychological issues. He also works hard, and he drinks every night and is extremely unorganized. Of course, I have asked him to help out. I have begged him!!!! He never had to do that stuff in his home. I married him when I was very young. We have had our share of rough roads and I seek counseling whenever I feel stuck. He is against counseling and thinks it is just a money-maker and that he can do it on his own. We have actually come a long way. Unfortunately, my marriage is my cross. I became a member of one of the lay movements in the Church a few years ago and it brought me so much deeper into my faith and prayer life. It helped him too. I feed my soul with the sacraments and I say my rosary every morning on the treadmill. I hope that things will change, but he has to change. I can't make him. So I just continue to look for ways to be better for God and for my kids and for him for that matter. I pray for the grace of God to give him wisdom and healing. I do know that I am permitting this situation where he won’t help at home..... but it is very exhausting when I rock the boat. I left once... My struggle has always been being the good holy obedient loving wife, and being a doormat with no control over decisions in our life. I keep trying to communicate to him my needs, but they are usually shot down and belittled..... Maybe I am just tired of trying......tired of arguing (because try as I might, that is usually what happens). I also never really know what I will get with him. I am telling you all of the bad, but he adores us (me and the kids) and loves his faith and is driven and hardworking. Not making excuses, but ‘there is hope’ is my point.

1 comment:

  1. You've got a great attitude of patience and acceptance of your husband. Prayer and offering things up will go a long way toward your husband's coming around to his duties. As his helpmate though, you are also to assist him to see what he is called to do, so a wise word here and there, pointing things out, expressing your concern from time to time is certainly within your wifely vocation.

    At the same time, we know we are NOT called to be doormats, but to speak and live the truth. Your call to obedience is not to his whims. It is to your vocation, and does not mean you do whatever he tells you regardless of what you is right. You are both called to be obedient to God, and you are both called to exercise joint authority and responsibility in your parenting and family care. He is not your master. Pray on this.

    He is not doing right in not helping in the home and you know it. Remember that it is not a virtue for you to excuse that. If he 'really' adores you, he will have to learn to 'love' you and respect you and help you. Not only that, the home is also his 'own' vocation and to ignore doing chores at home is to ignore his own duties, even if he does earn the money.

    I would seriously suggest you speak with a local priest or return to your counselor and get his/her ongoing suggestions and counsel while you learn how to work this out with your husband.

    You can't allow yourself to settle for this because it does neither him nor you any good. Perhaps there are ways to rock the boat that won't exhaust you... God calls you and your husband to a full marriage, in love, respect and full cooperation.

    Perhaps a novena to St Dymphna for your husband might be helpful - I recommend her because she is very powerful and speedy when it comes to helping husbands 'get well' when psychological issues are involved.