Dear Holly,
My husband took a job truck driving a couple months ago, so I'm mostly a single mom now. Of course, I am able to stay at home with my two kids under five, but I am having a seriously difficult time adjusting. I am so overwhelmed most of the time now. I never was able to get a rule put together before, and now, though I know it would help, I feel like I'm spending my entire life trying to avert disaster. I have lived with a terribly disorganized home, partly due to my husband's inherited pack rat nature. He's letting go a bit on that, so I have been able to start sorting stuff to sell or give away. But, obviously, I have no help, so the kids tear apart faster than I can straighten up. And there is SO much to do. Believe me, I'd hire someone to help me if I had the money. But we are running a tighter budget than ever before, so that's really out of the question. And no family around to help, either. My 5 year old is speaking disrespectfully to me lately and is a technology addict already.
How do I do all this? I have no time, and I know that things should be easier than this, aside from the emotional adjustment of the new situation. I recognize that I try to take on too many things at once, but I can't even think with all these messes everywhere. I just want them gone! I keep thinking that if I could only get one week of solid work on the house, I'd be pretty well set, but how? The kids are young enough yet to need me and my guidance, sometimes constantly, much to my frustration. I know that THEY are my job, too. I'm so overwhelmed that I'm even considering finding a new home for the puppy, because he's just one more thing to do. The worst part, actually, is my attitude about all of my life lately. I'm always feeling harrassed, overwhelmed, irritated, angry, frustrated, exhausted, etc. I'm feeling like I'm one step away from total meltdown, and can't catch my breath. I really try to not "dump on" my husband when we talk, because it's hard on him, too, being away from home all the time, but I have no local support either. I don't find friends easily, and unfortunately, those few I have I can never get in contact with even just to chat, because they are so busy. I feel like I need help, but I just don't know where to turn. But how can I go on like this, alone? I'm drowning.
Help With Your Mother's Rule is a forum for women who want trouble-shooting
help with their Mother's Rules or about any aspect of the 5 Ps of
the married vocation.
First off, you need to stop calling yourself a single mom. You are not a single mom. Your husband has to go out to work. Many wives throughout all of history have had to deal with this, and still do to this day, and it is important for your psyche and your spirits to maintain that emotional and psychological unity of your marriage. You remain married, you remain spiritually united, he remains in your life. Have him call you everyday and talk with you, (consider it an essential expense) and you can still rely on his advice. Email is good too - a blackberry or something for him to keep in touch with you at his pit stops, etc.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, then, yes - you are in a challenging situation, but God has not abandoned you. You are still called to confront your vocation, tackle it and conquer. And you can do it. But remember that this strength is going to come through the help of the Lord.
It is ESSENTIAL for you to begin to develop your prayer life - to ask him every moment to send you grace upon grace, to participate in the sacraments, to seek counsel from a priest in your needs. Today - get on your knees and pray to the Father to send his Holy Spirit to help you. Commit yourself to him. Find ten minutes after lunch, and at bedtime, reading from the New Testament. Ask for his enlightenment and His strength. Go to God.... "What father would give his child a snake when he asks for bread?"
Additionally, I strongly suggest you contact your local priest or local parish(es) and ask him (or the secretary) about any mother's groups in the area. If these can't help you, ask them who you would call. If no one can give you ideas, look under social service departments in your phone book. If that doesn't work - do a rosary a day to get you in touch with other mothers, people you can meet with, with the kids, and receive some support.
We are social beings and we absolutely need others to assist us in our lives and vocations. You are right - you cannot do it all alone.
However, with the help of God and other human support, you are called to get a handle on things and I think you can do it. Your children are young without any other commitments than to be with you - sit them beside you - get them helping you to sort and bag things, de-clutter your house or box things up - go through the rooms, do a room analysis and start to re-arrange.
Some of my fondest memories with my kids are the days I 'cleaned out' rooms - I'd put piles of toys on the floor and work, and they'd all play alongside me. I'd get cheap toys from dollar stores or second hand stores, and have lots to do.
Also -
ReplyDeleteAs for technology and media us - you are the adult. You are in control. There is no such thing as a 5 year old addict without being made so by the parent. Do what you know is right.
And yes - this may not be the time for a puppy. I think you are wise to consider giving him to another family or a shelter. We can only handle so much at a time. I have known other mothers who have been very relieved when making this same decision while having young children underfoot.
To help you get organized:
The question to ask yourself is two-fold:
1. what work do I have to get done in what room today AND 2) What will I have the kids do beside me while I work?
Answer these two questions and I think you can get started.
Included in this for today is :
Set regular meal times, have the kids help with clean up, offer them little treats or rewards to assist you in your work - praise them. Get out for a daily walk with them to relieve stress for all of you - make it a regular time. Schedule in a nap OR rest time/quiet time after lunch clean up. The kids don't have to sleep. Start with 20 minutes and work you way up to 30 or more every day.
YOU CAN DO IT. If you get a handle on your responsibilities, the kids will be at peace and calmer with you. You can do it!!! Desperation can be a tool used by God to prompt us to more effort, more thinking, more determination. Let it spur you on to live the vocation God calls you to - the grace is there.
You just have to accept that you CAN do it and you WILL do it! I most certainly know the feeling, as my book attested. But oh, what peace when I faced it head on and set out to conquer! A hard journey up the steep mountain, but WELL worth it... It won't take too long- a month will pass anyway - make it count for something.
Look into MOPS in your area, it is a great group that is very supportive of moms. MOPS.org I believe.
ReplyDeleteI can remember when my son was around 18 months old and sometimes I just felt so frazzled that he could create chaos faster than I could clean it up. One of the places I found to 'retreat' to was the car. I would take him out for a drive. He was used to being in his carseat and entertaining himself - and there was only so much mess he could make strapped in! I could just drive and think (and pray). And sometimes I could park in the driveway and just sit in the car and make my grocery list or check my calendar.
ReplyDeleteOh, and John Rosemond is another of my favorite authors, he writes mostly about parenting. Your comments about your 5 year old talking disrespectfully and being a tech addict made me think of him.
ReplyDelete