Help With Your Mother's Rule

Help With Your Mother's Rule is a forum for women who want trouble-shooting help with their Mother's Rules or about any aspect of the 5 Ps of the married vocation.

Ask Holly: This blog is composed of your questions. Contact me at the address listed on Holly's Helpers page and I will respond. Please share your unique ideas as well. The more ideas and experience we share, the more successful every mother will be in designing her own unique Mother's Rule.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Children's Sleep Schedules and Mummy's Personal Time

Dear Holly,
I have been *trying* to implement my own rule for the past few months. I have a soon to be 3 year old and a 6 month old. I think I have two stumbling blocks - my melancholic temperament (if things don't go as planned I feel like a complete failure/indecisveness about everything/procrastination for perfection) and my inability to work out a sleep schedule for my children. In the evenings my toddler does not fall asleep until 9:30/10 and then my baby is up at 5am. I constantly feel like the day never ends. When I hear or read that many mothers are free after 8pm, I wonder what I am doing wrong. If I want any time to myself for solitude, I have to have it after 10pm which doesn't give me enough sleep to get up at 5 (My son nurses about every 2 hours during the night). I end up feeling resentful and exhausted. Is it unreasonable to desire some evening down time after the kids are asleep? I keep telling myself that maybe my state in life right now will not allow for this. I try to keep from 1-3 for "quiet time" in our home, but there is no guarantee of nap time for either child. If I can get my baby down then I can read some books and lay down with my toddler who almost always falls asleep w'/ this routine. My toddler needs this uninterrupted time w/ Mom to fall asleep. The baby on the other hand is a different story. He no longer falls asleep nursing or rocking. I try to put him down in the crib after a feeding and singing a hymn to him. Usually he ends up crying and then I have to pick him up. He then becomes overtired and that much more difficult to fall asleep. I have tried to follow the exact same routine and pay attention to all the sleeping cues so that I don't miss the opportunity. I have also tried your suggestion to a previous reader on your blog to observe how the baby lives for a few days before developing the rule. I have tried this too. Some days he is consistent about taking extended naps, but for the most part, I find it to be unpredictable. I am spending way too much time trying to get him to sleep. It is hard not to, though, b/c he will be yawning, rubbing his eyes, getting fussy so I keep trying.

The Schedule I'd like to implement:
6-8 wake up/Daily readings/make beds/nurse/hygiene/
breakfast/clean up/start laundry/Children's prayer
8-11 baby nap/quality time w/ toddler/baking/food prep/finish laundry/dress toddler/toddler hygiene/household paperwork/planning/La Leche/email
11-12 outdoor time/park/walk/swim
12 lunch/downstairs tidy/hygiene
1-3 children naps/quiet time/rest/Rosary/Divine Mercy
3-6 snack/play/put laundry away/dinner prep/organizational projects/
6-8 dinner/clean up/family time/walk/baths/children bed prep/stories
8:15 Kids Bed
8:15-9:30 couple time/final walk thru of house/empty dishwasher/internet/spiritual reading for leisure (i.e. Catholic Motherhood, St. Therese, etc)/hygiene
9:30 Bed

Can you help me with this?
Posted by at 11:26 AM
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6 comments:

  1. First off - I am glad you recognize the temptation to think yourself a failure and to not do something unless it can be perfectly done. You need to think about what is thus 'reasonable' about your approach, and act accordingly...

    Is it reasonable if you can't clean a house to perfection that you do not clean at all? Is it reasonable that if you can't live a schedule all day that you don't do an at any time? No... perhaps you could adopt as your mascot the little tortoise of Aesop... plod along and you'll win, eventually... :-)

    Secondly, there are two things I see that need to be thought about in relation to your children's sleep schedule -

    1. According to your proposed schedule, you desire two times for baby naps during the day, and yet he is up every two hours all night and waking you at 5 am. It seems reasonable to me to begin to lessen the daytime nap times in order to extend the evening nap times. Depending on your opinions, you may also begin to let Daddy offer an evening bottle at bedtime to help him sleep for a longer stretch. This also helps Daddy to bond. Or, at 6 months, begin to offer a little cereal at bedtime to help fill that tummy before nursing. This does help kids sleep.

    2. I sense a fear of a crying baby.

    Certain parenting theories have now made it very clear that to permit your child to cry at all is abusive, and that all 'responsive' parents, who do not want to raise criminals, must pick up their child every time he cries because that is his form of communicating his needs. I think they tend to forget it is also the child communicating his needs, his wants, and his whims too.

    I am a firm believer that Mummy and Daddy are the adults who are to discern and assess whether the child's real needs have been met, and then decide based on what is reasonable. Parents are given these graces by God.

    While I concur that for all infants that crying is a communication, just as speech is, and there is seldom need to permit crying in a newborn and very young child, I do not believe this extends throughout all of childhood. Crying does not 'hurt' a child nor cause such stress that it turns children into psychopaths, despite the implications of some parenting books.

    If Mummy has discerned that the child is over-tired, in need of a sleep, has been fed & changed, has been cuddled and cooed and is still fussy and cranky in her arms, then lay him down in a playpen beside you and let him fuss for a bit until he sleeps. We get cranky too when we are sleepy... do not fear a child's cry. It is not 'always' a signal for you to pick him up, which can in fact extend this crankiness. It may be a sign to say "Stop little one and rest. I am right here beside you..." You could give him a little back rub, and then stop but be near...

    Additionally, I am NOT of the opinion that I put my child in a dark room and let him 'cry it out' either... this is hard on baby and Mummy.
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  2. Why do all the theories sound so extreme, I wonder...

    The reality is, sleep is a normal function. Your child will sleep when he is tired. Keep him up during the day a bit more to foster sleeping at night. If he is cranky, lay him down. He can rest or roll around & play... put some toys in the crib or playpen... You can take a quiet time for you once he gets used to playing in a playpen contentedly.

    After nursing during the day, since he no longer falls asleep, put him in a high chair beside you while you work, or in a jolly jumper or in a playpen beside you and teach him to be with you, without always being on you. Despite those who advocate the necessity of 'wearing your baby' as the 'only' way to be a 'responsive' parent, do what you consider 'reasonable' in any given circumstance.

    And that also calls to mind that a fussy child does not always need to be picked up. A child right beside you in a play pen, after he has been fed, cuddled and changed, must learn to be beside you, not always on you. And this is not abuse... In fact such theories that suggest that constant physical touch at the child's whim and fancy usually have a very utilitarian view of Mummy, and do not often balance the legitimate personal needs of mother and child, instead calling Mummy to perform what one priest friend of mine called "a heroic service of the child bordering on idolatry"

    You could also try not to let him nap past 1pm for a few days. Limit the morning nap by having him do it right in the play pen where you are, instead of permitting a long nap in the bedroom. Your regular noise will wake him when it is time to get up.

    For the pre-schooler at 3 years old, simply stop naps for the time being. This does not mean you can't have a quiet time where he plays quietly in his room so Mummy can rest for a bit...

    At bedtime, after a reasonable routine of bath, teeth, story and prayers, and hug Daddy, put him to bed & begin to let him read to go to sleep - a pile of children's books by his bed, or his two favorite trucks on the bed, and give him either a bedside lamp and teach him how to turn it off, or leave on the overhead light for a while. Let him read or play quietly in bed and when he is ready, tell him to turn off the light.

    Quite frankly, I STILL don't like to just go to bed and turn off the light... I as an adult need to wind down... Can we not offer the same wind-down to our children? And this does not mean you have to sit with him forever
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  3. As a mom of 6, ages 17 to 14 months, I have been in your shoes several times. Most of my children were not great nappers. If I had to wait until they could lay down and nap to do things, nothing would get done! Some strategies I have used with babies who would get overtired are: putting baby and toddler in double stroller after lunch and walking until baby fell asleep and then bring stroller into entryway and let baby nap there - a ride in the car until baby sleeps and bring in carseat to a quiet room for baby to nap - baby swing with soft classical music in background - and sometimes, just bring your prayer books and the toddlers books on the couch and hook baby up for a long nursing session while reading to the toddler ( toddler usually falls asleep then too or if not a short video is nice) and you can read, pray or doze yourself! Also check out Elizabeth Pantley's book "no -cry sleep or nap solution" - finally, 10 pm is a bit late for toddlers, he may need to get up earlier to turn in earlier and don't let the afternoon nap get too long. Finally, my hubby and I take turns doing the bedtime routine with the younger children, so I know that every other night I will be "off" and have extra evening time to myself! Know this time is short and soon you will be in my shoes, staying up praying for the safe return of your teen driver! God Bless!
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  4. My suggestion would be to borrow from your library two books: "The Secrets of the Baby Whisperer" and "The baby Whisperer solves all your problems" by Tracey Hogg. Both books have great ideas for getting your kids to nap longer and consistently and also to sleep through the night. She also encourages routines and schedules which I find works well with my rule of life. Hope this helps!
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  5. Oh, Tracy Hogg was the only one who saved my sanity with my none sleeping daughter!!
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  6. Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Dr. Marc Weissbluth will teach you how to sleep train your children. It is the most helpful book I have read on parenting thus far!
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