Help
With Your Rule
Struggling with the 4th P...
Dear Holly,
I have been attempting to implement some kind of schedule or rule in my life since my oldest child was a baby, and she is now 5 years old. I'm revisiting MROL as part of a moms' discussion group, and this has made the priority I give my "P"s weigh on my mind. It seems like a lot of moms, both in the group and on your website, struggle most with the 5th P. This is the one that comes easiest to me. The one that comes hardest is the 4th P: giving time and attention to my kids. To be perfectly honest, I would be content to set them in front of a TV or computer all day so I could get the house cleaned, the budget balanced, etc. I am wondering if there are any other moms who struggle with this issue -- who feel like, unfortunately, they have to force themselves to sit down and play with their kids. I feel so guilty about my lack of enthusiasm for doing that. I'd be interested if you could post this message on your website so any other moms who struggle with the 4th P can share their tips for making it the priority it should be.
Labels: 4th P Parent
posted by Holly at 4:02 PM
7 Comments:
When I was in university, I remember a Psychology course that discussed the two types of temperaments - Type A and Type B. Type A was a go-getter, task-oriented and thrilled with achievement. Type B was more laid back, more person-oriented and relational. I assume you are a Type A, as I think I am also, and this is part of your temperament or personality. Keep in mind also that, as a teacher, I often found certain age levels to be more 'my style' - I preferred working with Grade 4-6 kids - you may also be experiencing this as a mom.
Meanwhile, count your blessings - a well-ordered 5th P is a good thing...
I'd recommend to you to re-examine your understanding of the 4th P, to begin with. Obviously you understand that attending to your children cannot mean plopping them in front of the TV or computer. But the opposite extreme of playing all their kids games and toys is not necessarily the solution.
Think about other cultures than ours - cultures where survival is an important part of daily life- is the mother here playing games with her kids all the time? Is she a bad mother? Think back historically - did pioneer mothers play with their kids all the time? Was she a bad mother for making soap, mending clothes, planting corn, baking bread and milking cows? Or was she fulfilling essential duties to feed, clothe and shelter her kids?
Obviously, her vocation to love is necessary, but these jobs are all part of her vocation to love as she cares for her child. I think that needs to be kept in mind so that guilt does not get the upper hand.
And granted, a little play with the kids is a good thing, but I wonder if you ought not to let the kids play with their toys, and you spend time with your kids in other aspects? Can they assist you in work around the home? Can they help you do things you enjoy? Is it not part of mothering to mentor and tutor children in skills we have, like baking, or carpentry or music or whatever? What hobbies do you have that being a mother you can share with your kids? I know one Math professor whose kids do math for fun!
Sharing your life with them, instead of stopping your life for them, may provide you with a way to integrate your natural talents and abilities and interests with the 4th P. Many Moms homeschool and so combine child time with teaching and assisting their children to grow. Other moms love sports and the kids are involved in that. What do you like to do besides work?
Obviously, quality mothering is not all about play. As one children's song goes - every day we need to work, play, rest and pray - where do you fit in here? I suggest to you that daily affection, being attentive to them when they come to you, apprenticing them in their chores and school and social needs, reading a story or playing music or whatever it is you enjoy, teaching them to pray and praying with them every day can also be very valid parts of your relationship with your kids.
So while I can understand your temptation as a task-oriented person to park your kids, I also think you ought not to sell yourself short - look at what it means to mother, which is a large expanse of duties and involvements with the kids, and put play in its place. Examine what types of things you like to naturally do, or are interested in doing, and find ways to include your kids in that - and their toys can be the things THEY like to play with when on their own.
To continue -
May I also suggest to you that developing that rule of life is also an essential aspect of ensuring that you have personal time for your kids. It will provide you with the tool to discipline yourself to spend time with the kids (which is the real issue over playing with them) - just as others need to discipline themselves to clean their houses. We all have our weaknesses, after all...
Perhaps just schedule in a half hour every morning and afternoon where you spend time just with the kids doing something you ALL enjoy. For despite your Type A personality, you are human and you do have a relational social nature like everyone else, and it is something you want to develop and foster.
I think I too am a Type A person and used to feel guilty for the same reason. I have 3 children, 3 yrs and under and I'm a work at home mom. Here are a couple of things that I do to spend time with the kids and maintain the 4th P.
First of all involve them in the household chores & make it fun. We sing, laugh, make up silly and funny stories and tickle as we work. Use your imagination to make it fun, quality time together. Also making sure to congratulate them on a job well done is important. Having them involved in the household chores is important for their personal development as well. Make sure that you do not redo their task once it has been completed & don't expect perfection. Would you want to help out someone if they just went behind you and re-did it?
I have the radio on most of the day and if there's a fun song on, I'll stop what I'm doing and grab one of the kids for a dance. They love it.
I try to make everything fun, dressing them, diaper changes, brushing teeth etc.
Usually I can find 15 minutes here & there throughout the day to play - but it's usually not with toys, it's usually more creative play.
Hope this helps a bit.
I definitely relate to the original poster. My boys are 6, 4 and almost 2. I've always felt foolish about this, but honestly, I don't know how to play with them. To stack blocks or play with cars absolutely depletes me of energy. Playing more physical games is easier for me -- maybe search online or the library for gym activities with your age group that you can do at home.
I really enjoy reading, so I always find it easy to do that with them. Going to the library once a week is fun for all of us and keeps the reading fresh for me.
I keep thinking that I may enjoy them more when they are older, but this is where God has placed me today and it is today that He asks me to serve Him.
I too can relate to the original poster, and I agree with Holly that certain ages/stages can feel easier. Also, I found that being "Type A" means that the rather "fuzzy" nature of mothering at certain ages takes some adjusting to...
I agree with what's already been said. Two other strategies which really helped me were:-
- getting into the habit of firing off a quick and frequent prayer when a child's need cropped up along the lines of - God grant me the grace to deal with just this one issue/moment with love and gentleness, and the grace to remember to ask for Your help again next time!
- using my Type A personality to identify several small goals as a parent (I had no idea about the
4th P then, as Holly hadn't written the book!), for example; each week we will vist the swimming pool OR the play park once; each day we will have one shared book and do one physical activity (dancing or out door play or whatever) and sit and have a drink together (some days the book and drink happened together!); once a week we will do some kind of creative/ messy activity (which could be as simple as driving toy cars through shaving foam on a tray or playing in the sand box). These became priorities and although they didn't have to take long, by planning them into my day or week as conscious 'to do' activities I felt more enthusiastic about them, was more aware of what I was achieving, and added a sense of purpose to my days which really helped me.
My kids are now pre-teens and teenagers and those short moments (and some of them were very short!) really did mount up.
One thing is for certain: without missing a beat I could introduce you to at least a dozen mums of my acquaintance who have felt similarly. You are not alone!
To the original poster:
I had the same problem! I have 4 children the oldest is 6. Here are just a few thoughts:
1. Completely get rid of the TV. Now is the time to break free, it only takes a few weeks and they stop asking and don't really remember.
2. I home school. This is the perfect solution. If you home school or not, set aside 1hr a day to the kiddies. Start with a special marching song or something and then have them sit and do an activity with you. Then send them off and keep one at a time and do one thing with that child. I TOTALLY believe that is all they need for "play" time.
3. Lastly, remember they play with each other most of the day but just a 15min time alone with them where you hug them and tell them you love them. You are not their playmate, you are their mother.
((hugs)) This is the best years of our lives! Embrace it:)
I am so reassured after reading Holly's comment. I have always worked around the house in a bit of a panic feeling guilty for everything. I have certainly let guilt get its way with me, and unnecessarily. Thank you all. I have 3 boys: 10, 8 and 2.
I am looking forward to reading more.
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