Overwhelmed About School Starting

Dear Holly,
Three years ago my husband came home with your book as a "pick me up" for me. He had read the back cover and thought it was what I needed (what our family needed). That year we finished our RCIA class and officially became Catholics. Since then I have quit my job as a teacher, last year tried my hand at homeschooling my then elementary children - one only lasted until Feb.) when I put my oldest daughter in a brand new Catholic school that was just starting up. My husband had a vasectomy reversal, I became pregnant and this past May had a beautiful baby boy! Oh, and we are trying to sell our house that we bought with 2 incomes and move closer to our parish. I thought homeschooling would be easy since I had been teaching and have a master's degree, but it was a disaster! I ended up trying to bring all my knowledge about education and school into my home and it just didn't work. Everyone was miserable. One of my children hated it and was so resentful and disruptive that I ended up putting him back in school in Feb. The public school curriculum was so easy that he was rarely challenged, but it made our home life more bearable for me and my 5th grader. I would try and develop fun and exciting things for her and she would hate them. I tried involving her in the process and when things got really crazy with the pregnancy and I needed to rest more she stopped putting forth her best effort. I swore I wouldn't do this again... and here I am. We can't afford to send all 3 "big kids" to Catholic school and believe it or not my daughter WANTS to be homeschooled one more year and she tells people, "if I do really well this year for mom, then she'll think about homeschooling for 7th and 8th grade too!"- I don't ever remember saying that!!!

I just don't know where to begin. School is just 2 weeks away for my other kids and I still haven't ordered curriculum for my daughter. Today I am battling a cold that is on it's 4th day, I've showered but am not fully dressed (it's after noon here) and have spent the morning rocking and nursing a fussy baby. And I'm just wondering... how am I going to do this?? I haven't started and I'm already burnt out. There is no order to my home, my prayer life is limited as is my ability to get to a gym and loose the last 10 pounds of baby weight I gained.

I am so overwhelmed. I feel like I am missing a huge piece of your message in the book and no matter how many times I've tried to write the rule or make a schedule (I love lists and routines and schedules) they failed. I've made charts for each room in my house and no one does the chores. I end up frustrated and angry and then I give up and nothing changes. I want my kids to learn and enjoy learning and I want to enjoy teaching them. That's what I missed the most about homeschooling was teaching- isn't that stupid?? But I did. I missed teaching and planning and working with kids and other teachers. I remember reading in your book about the first day of school and how sad you felt watching the children go by with their backpacks on and not being able to go with them. That's how I feel. Now, with that said, I hated being away from my house, and my family suffered because of my job. By the time I arrived home I was exhausted and not available emotionally to any of them. When they were sick, I'd feel guilty calling in to find a sub. When I was sick, I still worked. So I know that I need to be home and I would never leave this little baby. I'm having a hard time embracing and understanding really what my new vocation as a mother really means and requires. Having this new baby is like starting all over again except with a different attitude towards motherhood. And I must say, I am so attached to him. More than my other children. He sleeps with me and I nurse him all the time. I just can't get enough of him. I am enjoying him like I have not enjoyed my other children. I just don't know how to put all the pieces together which is why I keep re-reading your book. I know I must be close to figuring this out but I can't seem to put all the pieces together.
Labels: 4th P Parent, About a Rule of Life, Homeschooling

posted by Holly at 4:53 PM

1 Comments:

Holly said...: T'is the season for frustration, I think! :-)

Thank you for writing. I can feel your pain and your turmoil. I have been there, but I think we can work it through . You have a number of issues here, all rolled up into many questions. Let me see if I can sort them for you a bit, and we can dialogue.

It seems to me that first, you are mourning your work . I went through that too. You need to decide if you remain called by God to teach in the school system or if you are going to stay home this year coming with your son. I know from experience the pain this decision can bring, but remember what Elizabeth Elliot said - sometimes the pretty flowers need to die along with the weeds, too, just for a while, until they come up strong in the spring again... It would be best to set the decision within a larger context, like 'stay home while my kids are little' as that would give you a sense of time and permanence to work things out. But if you are mourning, you may need to focus only on one year. That is decision number one to make - are you called to stay home? Called by God, not just your own idea? Have you taken this to prayer? Your husband's response? Is there anything that you can say points you in the direction of staying home? And then you will need to deal with your mourning and grief -you are in culture shock already, I think - I found Jesus' prayer in the Garden and the BLessed Mother's Fiat my strongest aids.

Secondly, next, are you called to homeschool? You mention that you had desired to try it, and that is what you did. But you did not say you had a deep conviction that this is what God Himself was calling you too. There is no mention that your husband considers the family called. And your placing children back in school after a 'failed' attempt, also shows me that you did not feel called - or at least, were not prepared - it was more like an experiment, an idea, a let's try it.

Now, I am not sure how you will take this, so take it with the intent to help. Our vocation is to educate our children, primarily as Catholics, overseeing their spiritual and religious formation in the Faith. We are able to delegate parts of this, especially academic work, and it is perfectly fine to send the children to a good school to assist you in your role as educator. What most concerns me is the flipping them in and out. Your kids need a sense of security. Given your huge doubt, questioning and sense of disorder, I do not see any clear indications that you are even called to homeschool at this time.

Also, your extreme qualifications in education will not be obviously transferrable to the homeschool, especially when they are really little, right away. I have no doubt they will come in handy, but it may not be noticeably applicable immediately. You are walking into another whole form of education, not institutionalization, and you will suffer a further culture shock. I figure it took me a good ten years to get over my school teacher mode, but in the end, I know why now, as I can see how there were flaws in the system and how I can now help others to understand education in a much more broad light, as encompassing life not just academics.

Thirdly, given the enormity of your feeling overwhelmed, but the lovely sign of your feeling peace with your littlest one, I am wondering why not look at staying home, developing this fine little relationship this year, and getting your home and chore routines in order, in preparation for what may be a call to homeschool. Your other kids need you to be in such a psychological and spiritual space that they too can come to Mummy for a heart-felt cuddle, instead of seeing only the youngest get that, and you need to experience this with your other two kids, instead of noticing the 'difference'. That is an indication to you of where to begin. They also need Mummy to know what routines and chores they need to do and you need to be free enough to supervise. And Mummy invest her teaching energy and creativity into setting up a cozy and candle-lit family prayer and crafts & celebrations of the liturgical year in the evenings as a way to merge into homeschooling in a balanced way, more applicable to your state.

I think Mummy needs to work on being Mummy before she moves into being teacher. In reality, you can only do so much at one time. You have been highly stressed with career changes, moving (or trying to keep the home clean for moving), newly Catholic , etc and what your whole family needs is stability, and for life to calm down into some peaceful and normal routines.

If it were up to me? I'd pray and talk with my husband to determine if I was called to stay home from teaching for this phase in my life. Then I'd spend at least half a term or better , the whole year, getting the home life pulled together and spending healing time with my littlest, and then I'd look at bringing my oldest two home to school them for good, if this is what the Lord , my heart and head, AND my husband considered the way to go. I think that I see a possible homeschool call here, but the other vocational aspects need order before I'd confirm it.

I'd also spend time reading homeschooling books to catch the vision.

And while that is merely my opinion, way over here on the East Coast, as the result of a single email - I would FIRMLY encourage you to base your decision making based on talking with your husband, your closest friend and your parish priest, before you decide. Hopefully I have given you the way to break the question down a bit, and attack it in stages.
God is with you; 5:01 PM