Help
With Your Rule
A New Phase of Motherhood
Dear Holly,
I am at a completely new phase in my vocation and am really struggling ... I am the mother of five--five years and younger. My oldest (5) will be in Kindergarten in the fall, and then I have a 4 year old, 3 year old and 9-month-old twins. Usually when I tell people that, they understand my feelings of being overwhelmed ;-) But I really desire more than to feel overwhelmed! I desire to answer God's call to the best of my ability and to be a good wife and mother for Him. However, I struggle with perfectionism (I need to do it all!) but I know that realistically I can't right now, and I need to learn how to lower my expectations. So, what can I live with? What is OK to let go of? For me, sticking to the basics is all I am doing, but is my list of "the basics" too long? Are there things on my list of basics that aren't really basics? You see what I'm getting at, right?
I also struggle with surrendering all of it to the Lord! This is ridiculous, but I feel like if I surrender it, the little bit that I do have going on with just fall apart like the rest of it, and things will be in worse shape than they are now. Talk about not trusting God! UGH!! I just don't know how to focus at this point. I know that my Ps need to be in a row, but right now the 4th and 5th Ps are taking over! How do I keep up with the work? How do I manage my children, train them and simply keep them from getting at each other all the time (I feel like I'm endlessly being the referee)? And this needs to come after maintaining a good relationship with the Lord, taking care of myself and being present to my husband! I believe in order. I believe we need order to live our lives well. I feel like I am out of order right now.
Labels: About a Rule of Life
posted by Holly at 1:09 AM
2 Comments:
I don't doubt why you have so many questions. You are in a particularly busy phase of motherhood and it can be overwhelming. but what I loved the most is your heart's desire to be faithful to the Lord and maintain your priorities and meet all the needs. I do know that God sees into your heart and must smile at your love. So, let your heart rest in his delight of you.
Please remember that your prayer time is the source of grace for you to empower you - even if it is only caught in the evening 20 minutes before bed, or after supper when Daddy can watch them for 20 minutes and you can zip upstairs and do some Scripture reading with a cup of tea.
There are two key words that come to mind when I read your email - simplicity and essentials.
I> ESSENTIALS You yourself ask the question - are there things on my list of basics that aren't basics? And given your perfectionist tendencies, I'd say there probably are.
Let's start with essentials.
In your home, you must attend to the basic duties of food, clothing and shelter for your family, with adequate cuddles, interaction, teaching, supervising and assistance to your little ones. Your whole family needs prayer time, and you need to spend some time with your husband. IN addition you need to keep the house tidy and in basic order.
So, it would behoove you to look at these types of questions:
When is family prayer ? How long?
My prayer? How Long? What will the kids be doing?
When are meals? Clean Up? Who can help?
How can I simplify my breakfast, lunch and supper recipes? Can I make a weekly schedule of easy meals to cover basic nutritional needs?
When can I do the laundry? What do I need to keep the clothes organized? Can I teach the kids to help me put it away, and can I organize a time daily to do this, like around bedtime?
When can I get out for a walk? Can I take the kids? If not, can Daddy look after them? Can we split up the kids and each take some at this time?
When is the kids bedtime? ( YOu can stagger this, putting smaller ones to bed 30 minutes before the older two. Discuss with your husband what you both consider a reasonable time for bedtimes)
What can I do as a simple bedtime routine to get them regularized for sleep? (Ex bath or face/teeth/hair, dressed, prayer time, quick faith story, hugs and kisses, bed with light on until sleepy and lots of books by bed.)
For the daytime - (each could be 15-30 minutes)
when is outside time for the kids?
When is story time? where?
When is table time?
When is video time?
When is free play time? where?
When is snack time (if at all)?
When is nap time? where?
In which activities am I involved with the kids and which can I do something else. (Usually, if I have free nap time, I pray or read and relax, not work.)
Arrange with Hubby how you will weekly get the house clean, together. If you are rich, hire a couple of teens to come assist you.
If you begin by answering & practicing realistically these essential elements, you will be beginning order.
2> SIMPLICITY
But the next step is Simplicity. Here, you are looking at surroundings and activities.
So much of our work comes from a house too full of stuff. Perfectionism them suffers greatly to keep everything in line.
I recommend a brutal brutal purge of all your stuff. Enlist a friend or relative to come help you bare down.
Remove blankets or pillows from living rooms; box books and set them in the attic; remove trinkets and photos and plants & put them away until the kids are older. Go with the minimalist look - a new fashion statement! Make the house as bare as you can.
Rotate toys and books - put all their toys in bins - a bin for each day and that is what comes upstairs from the basement, to return the next day and be replaced with a new bin. You can also do this with books - one set per day, or they have books in their bedroom.
Limit the children's clothes to 5 outfits per week, with 2 special ones for Sundays. Keep all socks in a box in the laundry room.
Get appropriate storage materials - bookshelves, bins, plastic containers, appropriate furniture - whatever it takes to store it well, and get things off the tops of counters and tables.
If you can focus on essentials at this time of your motherhood (those listed above) and live a life of simplicity (saving the designer home for later perhaps), you will then be freer to spend time with the kids, and not feel that their accidents, interruptions and crises are intervening in your plans, but the very HEART of your plans, since you are dedicating yourself to them as your mission.
Everything else can be simplified and toned down and removed, so that you have time to 'be' with the kids.
I would suggest that the stuff in your home may be the real cause of your hectic life - and just trying to keep up with it is stressful. Instead, lessen furniture, stuff, decorations, - again, minimalize and bare down, - and see if that doesn't open up more time for you.
Lastly, once you get your kids into a semi-routine - like every morning after breakfast chores are done, there is a free play for 30 minutes. But then, Mummy will read to us, then take us for a walk, then give us a snack and then put on a video, and then it's free time and then help get ready for lunch, and then clean up and then nap or quiet time... If you can establish this as a 'basis' and then let daily life lead you where it will, you may find yourself better off.
As for time for yourself, with a well established bedtime, even with children at this age, you ought to find yourself with a couple of hours in the evening for stuff you want to work on. But with children this age, you will also find that it is not the time to get a Masters or do extensive outside volunteering until they have grown. Your vocation is in the heart of the home, in the relationships with your family, God and yourself. Your home must be bridled to serve you, not you to serve it.
Please feel free to write again, if I can assist further.
I agree that relaxing during the kid's naptime, even taking a snooze myself and not trying to get a ton of work done has helped me get through the rest of the day. I am recharged by 2 pm rather than completely frazzled by 5 pm.
Soon you will have children old enough to give you some real help. I have 6 kids age 8 and under and my 8-yr-old and 7-yr-old help put away laundry, take turns "baby-sitting" the toddlers while we do schoolwork, pick up toys in a timely manner, put laundry in the dryer, vacuum, and can bathe themselves. They really seemed to be able to do tasks unassisted by Mom starting around age 6 1/2 to 7.
For hot weather consider scheduling outdoor time right after breakfast then again after supper. Instead of an afternoon snack have an early supper, then go outside, then have a small snack (like a banana, or apple wedges) right before staring the evening routine. In cold weather schedule outdoor play during the middle of the day. You don't need a whole new routine, just flip-flop the time slots.
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