Help
With Your Rule
Why Can't I Stick to Anything?
Dear Holly,
I wonder if you might be able to offer some insight for me. As I look at my life, I see a pattern of starting many things that I don't finish. Why? Pick any reason, and I've probably used it: boredom, unforeseen circumstances, illness, schedule change, sloth, loss of the importance of the thing, etc. I'm not talking about laundry or dishes or things like that as much as I am talking about life changes, trying to better myself. For instance, I might start a time of prayer only to have it upset by something or an exercise program or eating better or an entire rule of life! At the time that I stop the thing, it seems to be for a legitimate reason, but then it often takes me months to even start again.
I am very self-reflective, and I've struggled to understand the root, the core of this tendency. Is it lack of commitment? Yes, but why? Is it sloth? Yes, but it seems to go deeper than even that. I believe it has something to do with my perfectionist nature in that I fear the failure more than I want the thing, even though I know the thing is better for me. Intellectually, I can reason it all out, but I can't seem to get my heart in the right place long enough to form good habits in all areas of life. I am always working against my perfectionism in my spiritual life, and I feel like over the years-especially since I have had children-that I am making small in-roads. And while I see how I have changed for the better in small areas, it is still the big areas that plague me. I don't believe that I'm getting caught up in just wanting the immediacy of these things, but rather, I yearn for balance, which is what I struggle to achieve. Do you have an outside perspective that you could offer?
Labels: 1st P Prayer, 2nd P Person
posted by Holly at 3:48 PM
2 Comments:
I am going to suggest something to you that you may not have taken to heart sufficiently yet.
I am going to suggest to you that you are a child of God, but in being one, you are a 'creature'. And being a creature means being 'dependent' upon your Creator. And being dependent means leaning on Him. And this means, not just leaning on Him for strength to do the things you want or think are best, but also for leaning on Him to understand His Plan for your life.
My sense here is that, you have many plans for yourself, and in making these plans for yourself, you are also counting on your self - on your own strength, but also on your own vision. This may appear to be real in the secular world, within limits, but for us Christians, God has a different lesson for us to learn. It is like you are struggling to climb up a mountain but God may want you on another mountain, and perhaps He is waiting for you there with a ski lift.
I am not so sure you have truly reflected in prayer on what "God's plan" is for you. You see, where God calls, He empowers.
I would suggest that He may be permitting you to experience your helplessness so that you will eventually turn to him, in dependence and need. Your perfectionism implies this as well.
Our learning to rely on God, both to lead and to empower, is at the heart of the Christian life. We are not autonomous. We necessarily must turn to God to define our lives, as well as to strengthen us with His Grace to live His Call.
I'd ask God to show you what He wants from you, and then wait with eager expectation.
And if you are seriously interested in a Mother's Rule, take the appendix of A Mother's Rule of Life - The Spirit of the Mother's Rule - to an Adoration Chapel or in front of the Blessed Sacrament in a quiet church, and say "Speak Lord, your servant is listening." and then begin to ponder His Will for your Life. Make it a summer project. He may surprise you.
Although I did not write the original post, I could have. Thanks for your response. I know in my heart that all my plans really don't have much to do with God's plan for me, as I never truly waited for Him to lead me in the direction He wants me to go. I have your book, and plan on doing what you suggest with Appendix A. Thank you Holly.
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