Help
With Your Rule
When Loving Him is Hard...
"The failure of the other to conform to my hopes is not necessarily the fault of the other... [but] frequently the result of my having assigned some definite,determinate quality to the other person, or defined [him] in terms of characteristics that, it turns out, [he] does not possess... It demonstrates clearly that I, from the outset, was engaged in a relationship to my idea of the other - which has proved to be wrong - rather than with the other [himself]. That is to say that this encounter was not with the other, but with myself. If I am injured by the failure of the other to conform to an idea that I had of [him]... it is the result of my inappropriate attempt to determine [him] by insisting that [he] conform to my idea...
"Such situations invariably tempt me to reevaluate [my original commitment] and to reassert the question of durability concerning the affective element of my availability to the other... [Remaining faithful] consists in actively maintaining ourselves in a state of openness [to the other's goodness]... in willing ourselves to remain open to the other... When I commit myself, I grant in principle that the commitment will not again be put into question, and this...[is] an essential element... [the] vicissitudes of [believing in him] are a temptation to infidelity and are to be seen in terms of a test of the self rather than in terms of a betrayal by the other... If fidelity fails, it is my failure rather than the failure of the other...
"Where does one find the strength... to meet the demands of fidelity? ... the ground of fidelity... necessarily seems precarious... The only way in which an unbounded commitment on the part of the subject is conceivable is if it draws strength from something more than itself, from an appeal to something greater, something transcendent..."
Gabriel Marcel, excerpts, from "#13. Creative Fidelity" at
Gabriel Marcel
posted by Holly at 3:50 PM
1 Comments:
I saw a book the other day that had a title something like "When it Doesn't Turn out Like the Fairy Tales Said it Would!" (paraphrased). All marriages undergo some type of dissillusionment, some more severe than others.
Suddenly one doesn't feel 'in love' anymore, or one doubts one's original commitment, or one desires to end the marriage. Since it is happening all around us, in the rising divorce statistics, it can be doubly, triply, quadruply hard for a practicing Catholic woman to 'hang in there.' But does this mean there is no hope? Far from it!!
Gabriel Marcel's writings are rich in meaning for those who struggle with getting along with a spouse, and continuing in fidelity to one's marital vow. In a nutshell, I'll transpose his words:
My husband is a unique person, yet I may have had certain understandings of him - attributing certain characteristics - of him or of what a marriage is supposed to be like - which he is not living up to. When my perfect marriage doesn't occur, I can feel like he has failed me.
Marcel states that here, my husband doesn't fail me at all - in fact - it shows that I was in love with an idea, and an erroneous one, and that I committed then to something I wanted him to be like - a reflection of my own desires.
It is this error on my part which is at issue and is the source of trouble,and the cause of temptations to make me want to run and hide or leave. It seems as if I cannot feel love toward him again and I may withdraw.
Yet the Catholic marital vow asks for my fidelity. I must decide and choose to remain open to my spouse as a unique person, different than my hopes or dreams, but no less valid as a person. And I must resolve to not question my original commitment as an essential requirement for working it all out. I must see my changing views of my husband and fluctuating confidence in him as a temptation and a test of my own character, not his.
In my fidelity or infidelity to my vow, it is my virtue, or lack of it, that is at stake.
Where do I find the strength to continue to love, to feel love, and to stay faithful to my husband and marriage? It cannot come from me, with my fickle human changing-ness! I must rely on something greater than myself - and I know that is God. He will empower me to continue in love, past the rough spot, to harmony and a sense of love once more.
For those of you suffering from disillusionment with your husband, I offer a prayer for you now, and hang in there. God will assist you in working it out. Ask Him for his help.
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