Help
With Your Rule
When Siblings Battle
Dear Holly and other Moms,
I am at my wits end with the fighting that is going on with our older 3 boys. Their ages 11 to 5 and they are just at each other all the time. Fighting, name calling, etc. - and then saying they aren't treated fairly by my husband or I when we try to get some control. We waffle between trying to prevent them from breaking rules (like calling each other names - which is forbidden) and letting them work it out (which they don't without being physical with one another). We just arrived home from a family 'getaway' - a few days at an indoor water park. The bickering was unreal. Granted - 6 of us in one hotel room suite instead of at home with playroom, etc. - was a lot of togetherness - but - they were burning off energy!! I felt so disheartened and ANGRY with them when we arrived home last night I just went to bed and woke up early to go to mass alone. I just couldn't bring myself to go to the later mass with all of them - so my husband took them. I just wonder if it's something my husband and I are doing wrong in our parenting. Anyone else have any suggestions? I know it's part of growing up but I just want them to not act like they hate each other.
Labels: 4th P Parent
posted by Holly at 3:00 PM
5 Comments:
There's one thing which is different about how Catholics perceive discipline - we believe in original sin, which affects our view of child raising. No mother in the world will ever eliminate quarreling
between children altogether because no mother is able to remove sin from the child nor control every little detail.
At best, one must start with proper teaching - not threats - which explains over and over why quarreling is a problem, and link it to a faith reason (but in a firm, not threatening way) and then ask the children to act in accord with this 'formed' conscience right after applying what you say to the concrete situation.
It is important that they begin to exercise freedom - which is to have their heads, guided by truth, begin to choose the good in the situation. Our job as mom is not to 'control' but to model reason & truth and help them to decide well.
Also, our motives - to have the children stop fighting 'because it drives me 'nuts' has no motherly moral authority behind it (not saying that you want it to stop for this reason, but many do). But to help the children learn to begin to control their fighting because it is wrong and impedes their ability to love - the purpose of our lives on earth - and because they need to practice choosing the good and acting on it - THIS carries grace with it, and our words are empowered by the Holy Spirit.
Thirdly,there are practical techniques which can help minimize the occurences - divide and conquer is a good one - so the children do not sit together in the car, nor at the table, nor do chores together in the same room alone, nor share the same room if possible - because they are human and we help them by avoiding over-exposure to one another or difficult situations as much as is reasonable
because they trigger one another. This is only helping them as it helps us when we work with someone we dislike, for we too 'distance ourselves' to get control. There is nothing wrong with this, and the children do indeed grow out of it,
eventually.
Also, the fostering of positive things to do together - to develop relationship. We CAN give them warm fuzzies when together - have them share a bowl of popcorn or a treat - so the happiness of the treat rubs off on their relationship. But mostly, it is not these techniques which form - they merely help the heart develop attitudes formed by reason.
Two things will have more control over the child than Mummy:
Teaching of truth(not lecturing) is a real strength behind personal change, because the child's natural inclination for truth inspires their heart and we give them the tools to change themselves
But most necessary is grace - so access to the sacraments, or to daily prayer - short and small but placed strategically thru the day, as well as specific
prayers to address the concrete issue, for as long as it takes, even if it is a year.
And also, to watch for signs that they are working on this and that prayer is efficacious- nothing breeds success like success - "You two did so WELL at the park today! I am proud of your efforts and I am sure Jesus has helped you. Wonderful!" This type of thing .
But taking the focus off of mummy-controlling, or trying to stop quarrels completely, and 'punishing' which is rarely efficacious - none of these are
realistic, nor are they helpful but aggravate the real problem (which is original sin and real sin whcih is a human issue for as long as we live).
Stick to grace, teaching, modeling good behavior in our own lives, helping them see and choose the good to do,taking the time to stop what we do to attend to this, separating them from times and places which cause problems, and offering encouragement by noticing the good relations.
And this will still not eliminate all bickering.
For the rest, have them go outside or to the porch or to sit on the couch until *they* 'work it out'. Often, it only takes a minute or less for the boredom of their fate to bring about a reconciliation.
A year or so ago (too long for me to remember where), I read someone's advice on dealing with bickering. There was a step-by-step procedure that had to be followed. Each child took turns saying how their sibling was offending him. Each child had to apologize for their offensive behavior (it's rarely just one way, you know). Each child had to offer forgiveness. Then they had to hug, and then, while holding hands, had to say a prayer (Our Father or something), and finally, they had to go out together, rain or shine, and walk around the block (or a similar appropriate distance).
I'm glad I remembered this, because the squabbling is in an upswing recently. I used these steps back then with much effectiveness. The praying and the walk were crucial heart-softening parts.
There is a very good book called "Siblings without Rivalry" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. It is a short book that was available at my library. they had a lot of good praticaly suggestions on how to help children communicate with one another and work out their conflicts peacefully.
Monthly confession! Find an examination of conscience directed toward children. You can even find some online. Having to repeat the same sins month after month makes you think...just like it does for adults.
This was a case of being in small quarters together.
Much of the time bickering has a deeper cause...
this one was pretty obvious - a deep need for each
child to have some space and time alone
and some time outside to get their energy out.
I don't think it has anything to do with so called
discipline but a need to recognize the root problem
and to meet the need to that problem.
Mother Cabrini had a great cure for squabbles and conflicts in her order. Whenever she recognized such things she would say nothing to her nuns, but instead pray and put them immediately to work.
Work was her curall for problems. Idleness she recognized breeded conflict.
With children it's the switch method. They are fighting, you redirect their energy into something constructive: send them outside, separate them, give them a job, remind them to get back to whatever it was they were doing etc..
Quarreling/Bickering can end immediately when you do such things. Then later if it was such a real problem it will resurface and then that's the time to talk about it. If it doesn't, then it wasn't so important then was it?
Children then learn to only bicker about the important things.
Pettiness should be downplayed and children should be directed away from it.
Not every "arguement" has to be solved. Some get into arguements just for attention or to be right.
It's good parenting to learn to recognize if you are dealing with a real issue or just a smokescreen for something else or usually what's just a bad habit.
Redirection is the best way to break this bad habit!
Thanks
Denise
THE CATHOLIC MOM
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