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Teens & Dating
Dear Holly,
I am a first time poster on your site. I love your book, God is really speaking to me through you! My question is: What do you think of 16/17 year olds and dating? My children do not "date". However, my daughter has an interest in a God-fearing, Catholic young man and admits she probably loves him too. They have known each other all their lives and she is totaly serious about choosing a future spouse. She is really responsable and is looking for a man (like this fellow) who has high standerds, loves the Lord with all his heart and of course, is Catholic. I would like to hear your thoughts on this. God bless you, Holly!
Labels: 4th P Parent
posted by Holly at 11:17 AM
2 Comments:
You know, two hundred years ago, it was typical that a 16 or 17 year old was already married and raising children. Our society has postponed the onset of 'adulthood' , by extending childhood thru the means of 'schooling' - which can nowadays, last right up until the mid twenties or later, depending on the degree one aims for.
There is something not quite right about this, especially seeing that man and woman are geared toward marriage and children by their very nature. And youth hit a physical and hormonal peak in their late teens which also push toward marriage and union.
But that is where teens in our culture have a special difficulty. Our entire society is set up to discourage marriage:
- The cultural atmosphere is one of casual relationships with no commitment, which chip away at a youth's understanding of the beauty and seriousness of the vocation to marriage. This needs to be replaced with a dedication to teaching youth God's intent for man and woman.
- The teen may have little life experiences which provides a mature outlook on life. Too many teens know how to go to school and yet remain ignorant of domestic skills, economic realities, and other life skills. It is imperative that, in order to form, the parents provide real life responsibilities for the teen, not just acting as a taxi to drive teens to events that Mummy and Daddy provide spending money for. I have a problem with teens who are, in practice, richer than their parents, with more disposable cash than Mummy or Daddy has.
- Fianancially, teens are at a disadvantage. Can a teen possibly provide a home, and steady and adequate employment for a new family? Will being qualified for no more than a service job at MacDonald's ensure the type of stability in our society that is necessary to raise a family? Or will economic pressures force Mummy to work, and pressure the couple into contraception or worse?
- And lastly, what does the world mean by 'dating'? Dating has changed in intensity since even I was a teen. Now, premarital sex is not so unusual. Various forms of sexual encounter are a regular recreation activity between the sexes, and the foundational understanding of sex as self-gift and permanent commitment is absent from the modern dating scene. Here, dating must be placed within the context of vocation. The readiness and intent to marry must be on the horizon of any dating relationship. But if a child has no intent whatsoever to look at this as a vocational call, I'd discourage dating altogether.
So, our teens have a lot of obstacles to finding the natural fulfillment of the natural process designed by God regarding their sexuality and their interpersonal relationships with a future spouse.
And it is in this setting that we ask "Should teens date?"
I can't give a generic answer, unfortunately.
If dating means hopping into the 'dating scene' of the local high school, then I guess I'd say no. If dating at 17 means grabbing a coffee to chat with a nice guy, or going out to a movie, then I am not so sure this is 'wrong'. It truly depends, in my opinion, on the age and maturity of the unique teen, the person my child wants to go out with, the seriousness of the child's intent, the readiness to take on a relationship, and most importantly, a serious amount of prayer on the parent's part and the teen's for discernment.
On the other hand, in your daughter's case, with such a nice young man who is faithful to his faith - I would permit his involvement with my daughter, but not as an exclusive dating thing. I'd ask him to come to our home more. I would ensure adequate supervision, since being human, we are all subject to the same temptations and no young virile couple can hold out if placed in an atmosphere of too much physical intimacy and privacy.
I'd encourage them to do group activities together. And I'd pray for them, keep an eye on them, and speak to both of them about the need to attain responsibility in the other spheres of life in preparation for taking on a commitment to marriage and family. I'd also talk regularly with my daughter about how to discern a vocation to marriage and whether this gentleman is the one.
That's the best I can do on this topic. If I put this in a personal context for perspective - my daughter at age 16 almost 17 does not date. Yet, I believe that at her age, I am looking more at a young adult than a 'teen', and she has proven that she has a head on her shoulders and she too lives her faith.
I would consider personal exclusive time with a single male as inappropriate until she knew the direction God was leading her in. If she plans to go through with her 'becoming-a-doctor' plans, then I could consider a deep relationship with a guy at this age as not within God's plan at this time. If instead, she considers the call to marriage a serious desire of the heart, I'd be more open to a casual dating relationship. ... I think! ;-)
As the mother of a 13-year-old daughter, I've spent quite a bit of time pondering this issue. I've been reading up on the resurgence of courtship, and found this to be a good introduction.
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