Help
With Your Rule
19 Year Old Won't Pay His Way
Dear Holly,
We have 5 children. Our oldest son graduated high school in June of 2007 and is 19 years of age. After travelling to Europe in the summer, decided he did not want to pursue further education at this time. He began working full-time at a local grocery store in August and his net monthly pay is about $1500. We sat down with him and told him that if he were to go on to Post-secondary we would assist him with his school costs and housing, etc, but if he were going to work, he would need to pay rent of $300 per month. He accepted this, and agreed to transfer $150 twice monthly into our bank account. To date he has paid $200 of the $1000 owed for the past 5 months.
The last conversation we had was that he just didn't feel that he was getting anything of value for the $300 a month as he had to share a room with his 17 year old brother, is rarely home, purchases his own meals, etc. I went on to say that he should try to find a place to rent for $300 that provided shelter, heat, electricity, unlimited hot water, phone, the use of a computer with internet access, a stocked pantry, fridge and freezer (should he choose not to purchase meals), his laundry washed and folded, chauffering (he doesn't have a license). He said that I should just kick him out. At one point he was really frustrated with my insistence that we would not drop the rent payment and he complained to a friend that we were trying to control
him, the friend's parents said he could come and live with them. (These people take in all kinds of teens who leave home for various reasons.) We also agreed that because he was over 18 he is responsible for making decisions about when to come home, etc, but I have asked him to advise me in advance as to when he will be joining us for family meals, and if he is not going to come home at night. (We do ask that he attend Mass with us on the weekend if he is not scheduled to work and he complies with this for the most part.) There are no places to rent in our town for less than $2000 a month. (We have friends who have rental properties and if they have a vanacny the will get over 100 calls.) He also doesn't have any friends who are interested in sharing a place with him (if they could find something) as they are all living at home for free and saving for school or to travel. This means he needs to look elsewhere but, as he has not gone for his Driver's license, he is at a loss for transportation to work if he lives out of town.
It is time for a crucial conversation and I want to tell him that he needs to make good on the $1000 owed to date and that he needs to pitch in with the household maintenance on a regular basis whether he feels he is making a mess or not. (This has also been an onging disagreement...he says that he is never here and does not mess up the house...I feel that he is living in our home and needs to contribute to the maintenace of the home. If he was renting a place, he would have to do some kind of cleaning maintenance.) My fear is that I don't want this to escalate into a fight and have him storm out. And I wonder if he wants me to get angry and kick him out. Any insights you can offer would be appreciated.
Labels: 4th P Parent
posted by Holly at 2:47 PM
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