Help
With Your Rule
19 Year Old Won't Pay His Way
Dear Holly,
We have 5 children. Our oldest son graduated high school in June of 2007 and is 19 years of age. After travelling to Europe in the summer, decided he did not want to pursue further education at this time. He began working full-time at a local grocery store in August and his net monthly pay is about $1500. We sat down with him and told him that if he were to go on to Post-secondary we would assist him with his school costs and housing, etc, but if he were going to work, he would need to pay rent of $300 per month. He accepted this, and agreed to transfer $150 twice monthly into our bank account. To date he has paid $200 of the $1000 owed for the past 5 months.
The last conversation we had was that he just didn't feel that he was getting anything of value for the $300 a month as he had to share a room with his 17 year old brother, is rarely home, purchases his own meals, etc. I went on to say that he should try to find a place to rent for $300 that provided shelter, heat, electricity, unlimited hot water, phone, the use of a computer with internet access, a stocked pantry, fridge and freezer (should he choose not to purchase meals), his laundry washed and folded, chauffering (he doesn't have a license). He said that I should just kick him out. At one point he was really frustrated with my insistence that we would not drop the rent payment and he complained to a friend that we were trying to control
him, the friend's parents said he could come and live with them. (These people take in all kinds of teens who leave home for various reasons.) We also agreed that because he was over 18 he is responsible for making decisions about when to come home, etc, but I have asked him to advise me in advance as to when he will be joining us for family meals, and if he is not going to come home at night. (We do ask that he attend Mass with us on the weekend if he is not scheduled to work and he complies with this for the most part.) There are no places to rent in our town for less than $2000 a month. (We have friends who have rental properties and if they have a vanacny the will get over 100 calls.) He also doesn't have any friends who are interested in sharing a place with him (if they could find something) as they are all living at home for free and saving for school or to travel. This means he needs to look elsewhere but, as he has not gone for his Driver's license, he is at a loss for transportation to work if he lives out of town.
It is time for a crucial conversation and I want to tell him that he needs to make good on the $1000 owed to date and that he needs to pitch in with the household maintenance on a regular basis whether he feels he is making a mess or not. (This has also been an onging disagreement...he says that he is never here and does not mess up the house...I feel that he is living in our home and needs to contribute to the maintenace of the home. If he was renting a place, he would have to do some kind of cleaning maintenance.) My fear is that I don't want this to escalate into a fight and have him storm out. And I wonder if he wants me to get angry and kick him out. Any insights you can offer would be appreciated.
Labels: 4th P Parent
posted by Holly at 2:47 PM
2 Comments:
Well, this is a very difficult situation, I agree. The very first thing that was missing in your email was your husband's opinion about all this. It primarily falls upon you AND your husband to determine what you both believe is best in this, so I strongly encourage you to talk this out with your husband to find the appropriate solution.
Secondly then, I can only share with you some of the things I would be looking at, and you can take them if they work for you and your family - but remember, they are my ideas only, not God's Will for you! :-)
First, I am wondering whether you can get to the heart of the issue first. It really is not about the $300 rent, or at least I hope not!
I imagine the heart of the issue in your heart is that your son is not 'going anywhere' with his life and you feel taken advantage of by him. A wise priest once said to me that we must insist that our children grow up - they must make decisions to carry on with their life, not party and hang around home when it is time to move, and Mummy and Daddy must also ensure this and not coddle and hold kids back.
Now, supporting our children is a different matter. The key is to provide a reasonable time for him to get his head pulled together, I think. At least he is working - I know of others who are not.
So, I'd be focusing first on this issue, with my son, on his discernment about his direction for life.
I'd be acknowledging his desire to not study right away and to work. I'd agree to a slight reduction in rent temporarily for a limited time, *as long as* he was putting some money aside for his future plans. I'd insist on family chores - although I'd let him choose from a wide range of need-to-be-dones and when he wanted to do them. I'd be insisting that he get his lisence immediately - it is just as important as his schooling was and he is severely limited in his ability to care for himself if he doesn't have this skill.
But then, I'd be encouraging him to think about his future goals, and about his talents and about where there is a need in society and see if I couldn't light a vocational fire somewhere. I'd be asking him to set a deadline for a decision basis - say - by the end of June, when he would need to have a plan in place - either some type of occupation or profession in mind that he would be able to commence training for. I would be praying very hard for him for 6 months - I'd pray to his patron saint, rosary novena's Saint Jude (saint of impossible cases) and pray Masses for him.
I would be more flexible with him re: rent if he was willing to go into a discernment process. And I would probably forgive the debt, myself, out of mercy. You see, I would want to be as supportive as possible but within a time limit, so that he felt the duty to reflect on things and not coast - for the reality is, that your son is being called by God to start his life's work soon. Circumstances alone reveal this.
But come June, if I felt he was just working to provide for his hobbies and past times and taking advantage of the family hospitality, I would be more firm about things. If he was being difficult and reluctant and petulant, I'd stop financing him and stop driving him around or not give the car. I would set up what my husband and I thought were the basic requirements for living in our home, and I would offer these, with adequate rent included, as a basic mandatory requirement. And then I would enforce it. Parents are not required to provide for an adult child, nor to provide a sleeping place for a party-er. St Paul's Scripture saying applies: "If they won't work,they don't eat."
He would be free to go live with that family down the road if he chose, but in the end, they'd be doing the same things as you.
So, initially, I'd try to get him focused on his life work (there is a program called just that - Lifework by Rick Sarkinsian (see CHC website), set a deadline for initial discernment, lighten up a bit on the money stuff as long as he was saving, and pray! Does that help any???
Give him an ultimatum. Either he pays or he moves out within X number of months.
My mom still has three adult sons living at home. Only one works a full-time job and none of them give her a cent. She is divorced and supports the household all by herself. She can barely make ends meet but won't throw them out. I can't understand it.
Your younger ones will see this toughlove as a good example.
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