Help
With Your Rule
Clamouring for Mummy's Attention
Dear Holly,
I have 4 children. We have a rule in progress. However, it seems as thoughmy children always want more time with me (or Dad, but mostly me!).
The 4 year old behaves so much better when he gets lots of storytime and games with me. However, at what point will he stop doing "naughty" things (hitting, noises, etc.) to get my attention. Will I ever be able to fill this child's emotional need? At the same time, the 8 year old says he doesn't get any attention, not enough stories away from said little brother, he has to do too much stuff on his own, etc. How does he forget the hours spent playing catch? Then the older 2 will be fine and then want a game when they are supposed to be in bed.
Our rule is in progress so perhaps as our rule gets executed better, everyone will find they are getting enough of me. In the
meantime, if I try to give everyone the attention they are demanding, time for chores, work, and me gets neglected which makes me irritable and frustrated. Basically, everyone wants me all the time. And then when Dad gets home, it seems fair that he should have a few minutes to change and shift gears, but he seems to have so little patience for the little people wanting and needing a bit of his time and attention. Because of all these circumstances, I feel as if I am always on duty which makes me even more frazzled feeling. And with our homeschool year about to begin again, I'm thinking we have to be able to improve upon this. Help?
Labels: 4th P Parent
posted by Holly at 2:26 PM
3 Comments:
This is a difficult question, because I am not able to see the rest of your family life. I don't know all the ages of your children (and what applies for a 4 year old does not apply for a 1 1/2 year old), and so I can only go on what you have shared, guessing the 4 year old is your youngest.
My first response is that you must use your reason to determine an appropriate level of attention for the children, going not by your whims, nor by the whims of your children. You can be made to feel guilty (which I am perhaps perceiving here) by your children, when it may not be warranted.
First off, you need to determine, in your own heart and head, whether you think these demands for attention are justified and realistic. If you were a pioneer mother with lots of soap to make and clothes to weave and bread to make and stews to prepare and gardens to weed - would you, in that position, consider your present level of attention to your children realistic?
I cannot determine with exactitude whether your children are experiencing a legitimate deprivation of attention, or are perhaps manipulating you a bit. Since you are home all the time, and seem very attentive to their needs, I more closely conclude the latter may be the case.
It is very very important for you to reason this situation out.
If you followed your 5 Ps - and ensured that adequate time was given to your prayer and personal meditation time, your person - exercises, sleep, health and personal space - and to your husband, then, how much time is left, combined with basic housework and providing needs? All of these basic norms must be reasoned out and put in place so that you know what is reasonable, or you will be a sitting duck for any level of possible manipulation.
Your comment about not having time for yourself shows me that you have not attended to the 2nd P, despite a basic rule. Tsk tsk! :-)
Secondly, be careful about rewarding bad behavior designed to get your attention. As a teacher, we used to distance attention from bad behavior. In other words, attention flowed from GOOD behavior - teachers consciously "notice" good behavior with a sile, a word of encouragement and a pat onthe back, and tend to ignore bad behavior. The children soon begin to pick up on what brings real positive attention.
Any comment I have made in previous posts about having little Johnny tag along with you if he's been misbehaving had an important qualification - he doesn't get to PLAY with you! He gets to help you with YOUR WORK!! (not even his work! Your work!) Time and your attention ought not to be a reward for misbehavior.
Also, some children will be happy with, or should I say hungry for, ANY type of attention, but this is not necessarly something which should be endulged in. Sometimes, given the reality of original sin even in children, they can be too demanding and want too much - you can tell from the extent of your agitation when you are trying to appease them. You are not called to appease! You are called to mother.
Your attention to them must flow from a heart which wants to spend time with them, not because you are pressured. And you must spend time with them the way that makes you peaceful and content, not bored and resentful and frazzled, ignoring your other needs.
Obviously, just like the inordinate desire for too much chocolate cake, children can also want Mummy ALL THE TIME and this can be an unhealthy thing if they are older than infants & young toddlers. I do not follow the school that says Mummy must "demand-attend" to all her children's whims. Needs? Yes. Whims? No! This too must be distinguished by you.
For me, I have learned to attend to y children when they come to me - to stop what I am doing and to pay close attention, and if I am busy, I determine their needs. But as a rule, I do not play many games with them everyday. I may have a short story time, but it is scheduled and usually aimed at the whole family. It is not 'on demand' by the children.
If you can make sure you have a set time which is set aside each day, specifically for talking and being with - say like 30 -60 minutes in the evening, (and this is just an example since I don't live your life) just for the kids and family - even if you take them with you for a walk - you would be doing well. For the rest of the time, attend to them within the context of your daily work.
As for your husband, you need to ensure he has ample space to mellow out when he comes home. Ths ought to be part of the family's rule.
I would also have an honest little chat with him - something tells me that he is frustrated by a possible 'expectation' that he too is 'supposed to' drop everything to play with the children. His impatience is stemming from something and you need to find that out. It needs to be resolved.
It would be a good time to tell him about your issues and get his perspective. What does HE think about the children's attention clamouring? Does he think it's real? Valid? Manipulating? Excessive? Get his opinion and advice and ponder it, since he is much closer to the situation than I am. I have always been surprised at the things my husband sees, and often relieved by his perspective.
I have found with my three children (9, 5, 3) that a little attention can go a long way, as long as that "little" is 100% attention with your whole heart and mind and soul. Children know when you are really paying attention and when you aren't really engaged with them. When I pay real attention to them for a period of time--even 10 or 15 minutes--they are content to leave me to my work with only minor or no interruptions for at least a couple of hours. Of course, that means I have made sure they are dressed, fed, and in a orderly environment. I have learned the hard way that children mimic and internalize a chaotic environment. Also, my husband makes sure that just as I protect his working time from interruption, he protects mine as well when possible. We are quick to give each other a break and we appreciate the special work that goes into daily life with children.
Yes, Sheila, I agree 100%. If the attention to our kids is not genuine, they will continue to clamor for 'real' attention. Well said.
It helps to "stop" what one is doing, and "attend" to the children fully - interestedly, attentive in mind and heart, giving full time, patiently and lovingly. Usually, it only takes a minute of two for the child to feel loved, welcomed and appreciated. If the deep need is met, then the ongoing clamouring tends to stop.
Unless, there is an inordinate desire there, (mentioned above) which does happen with some children, altho not all.
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