Help
With Your Rule
Possible Pregnant Rule?
Dear Holly,
At a Catholic Homeschooling forum that I belong too, the subject of MROL has come up. A lot of good stuff of course, but I'm also hearing about how it's nearly impossible to have a rule when you are pregnant and have small children. I didn't try to set up a rule when my kids were infants, but I'm thinking it would have been a help. Maybe I'm just more relaxed about it then most people...I use my rule as a guide line, but if for some reason I can't get to everything then that's the way it is and I just go on with life. Do you have any recommendations for pregnant women and moms of small children that I can share with this group?
Labels: 4th P Parent, About a Rule of Life
posted by Holly at 8:16 AM
6 Comments:
am truly baffled as to why pregnancy and small children would make a rule impossible! That is like telling me that pregnant women and mothers of young children have no time to eat or can never get their laundry done or that they are somehow excused from prayer. In my opinion, such complaints are more excuses than reality.
That a pregnant woman is slowed down for a few months is to be expected. Naps need to be accounted for. A less vigorous chore list, perhaps. More time may need to be allotted to basic tasks.
But a pregnant mother still has need of daily prayer, the sacraments, and spiritual reading. She also has to eat, clean and spend time with her husband. So too for the mother who has young children.
I would imagine that what these mothers are complaining about is the inability to be flexible with such circumstances, as you mention. If something doesn't work, don't throw out a rule. Reassess it and find a way to do it, change how you do it, or change when you do it.
I think that thoughtful reflection by each woman about what she considers to be "essential" Christian practices, essential chores, essential needs - like the questions written out in Mother's Rule of Life! - is necessary.
But I think that its partly perspective and attitude. These questions cannot be glossed over as if they were impossible to live. Our vocation is real and our vocation is not an obstacle to fulfilling itself. But also, one can't go thru the questions and be rigid. There are many many ways to pray and many many times to pray. When the kids are asleep, or during a quiet time, or having prayer replace a tv show might be options to look at.
It may also mean giving up some of one's personal desire activities to ensure responsibilities are covered first...
One other little note - as I was praying this morning, I remembered that St Faustina used to count the number of times she "failed" in her rule. Obviously, even saints find a rule of life challenging.
Perhaps too, in addition to motherly flexibility, we need to remember that a rule is a training tool - something that helps us to practice living more and more like we know we are called to live.
When I began my rule it was a real challenge, and difficult. I think this is to be expected, for we are trying to practice fidelity to God's Will regarding our vocations. Now, after all these years, I still find my rule challenging - solely because I am so used to it - other things come in to distract me; circumstances change and reassessment seems to make things vague; focusing on the heart of relationships in the family cause the details to appear less urgent (even though all still neds attending to). Will there ever be a time when a mother can fulfill her rule perfectly? I am not so sure... and most certainly, not at the beginning.
Fidelity to prayer, to our chores, to attentive love toward our family - none of these things is automatic, but needs our conscious attentive practice. The purpose of a rule is to seek Christian perfection, not to scoff at a rule because we are not yet perfect and we call it unrealistic.
Food for thought...
I can understand the difficulty of establishing a rule with young children. One day, the toddler naps from 1pm-2:30pm, the next day, he's cranky and naps from 12:10 - 12:30, cries incessantly and wants to be held for an hour, then falls asleep for a bit, on and on...Their schedlue often not standard.
How does someone create a rule that ebbs and flows with a baby's schedule?
One way I can think of would be to have a rule that doesn't have times associated to activities.
During my pregnancies, I had all day morning sickness for several months each time.
I was severely nauseous almost all the time, and during two pregnancies, I went to the hospital to get IV fluids b/c I was so severely dehydrated.
I think many women are seriously nauseous as I was, and also quite exhausted. I needed an extra two hours of sleep each night as well as a signifcant nap.
I will never forget trying to make the bed with my enormous pregnant belly.
I think pregnancy is a HUGE challenge to keeping a rule.
Quite frankly, I found the term "excuse" to be a bit judgmental and even unfair. I believe your intent was good. You intended to help women see that we are able to do SOME things when pregnant-- we don't just have nine months of topsy turvy life where a rule is totally impossible. I just think the term "excuse" is a bit harsh.
Maybe your pregnancies were not as physically difficult as pregnancy is for many women. or maybe you are just stronger than I am.
Your advice about reassessing the rule in this circumstances is right on target, in my opinion. Thank you for that.
A
Dear Angela
I most certainly did not mean to be judgemental on this issue, even if I sounded it.
I too expereinced 9 months of severe sickness every time I was pregnant, and altho I did not follow a rule at that time, I do know there were certain things that had to be done every day - like meals etc. With every suceeding pregnancy, I was sicker, and things were harder. That there are challenges, that it can be a real cross, that Mummy needs to slow down - all these things are a real issue, of course.
But I wonder if having a rule might not have made those challenges a lot easier, given that it would have brought order and routine to life.
We must remember simultaneously, that God does not ask the impossible. He still knows we can meet basic needs for our family and still have a prayer life as a pregnant woman, and many women actually continue to work. And if not, if pregnancy brings debilitation for some, then God does not require what cannot be done.
But I think that I was trying to say - don't let pregnancy be a 'generic' excuse. In other words - preganancy is not, for most, an illness or disease, but a normal state of life. By itself, pregnancy is not an obstacle to a rule, especially one that is adapted to Mummy's present circumstances. A morning offering, daily spiritual reading and a rosary at night are not impossible to the pregnant woman, except in rare circumstances.
(Of course, I did not mean to offend anyone or be harsh. My apologies if it sounded that way! :-)
Re: scheduling with young ones and their inconsistencies with things like naps...
I would say that the routine of a rule helps to eliminate these inconsistencies. We always had nap right after lunch and my kids fell into it. I think we have a lot to do with helping routinize our children, especially over 6 months old. Newborns and infants are different.
I think that watching a child's natural schedule over the course of a week, and writing this down, looking for patterns and then assessing our rule based on what works for them or not is a good idea. And then, making sure that our daily practical rule is not so inflexible that we can't make room for our children's occasional different needs comes next.
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