Help
With Your Rule
Kids & Independant Chores
Dear Holly,
After reading your inspiring book, I had the opportunity to hear you speak in Milwaukee this spring. Thank you for sharing your advice and experience.
I am wondering what tips you have for motivating young ones to do work on their own without being told. I have 5 children under 7 and find myself having to tell them over and over to do the things they are used to doing each day . . . brush teeth, wash face, etc. I have not instituted chore charts yet which may help as a visual for me to show them rather than talking so much. But I am wondering from you experience, what have you found helpful? Also, how do you construct your charts? Are they simply handwritten or done on the computer where they can be modified or some other form?
Labels: 4th P Parent, 5th P Provider
posted by Holly at 5:39 PM
3 Comments:
First off, the development of set routines will help. In our house, we say "Face. Teeth. Hair. Pyjamas." and we always say it in the same order, and eventually they remember it in the same order, which eliminates the need of Mummy constantly giving orders.
Secondly, you need chore charts. Pictorial ones will do at this age - drawn or cut outs of people performing the action - laminated if you want them to keep! For older children, I now use my Excel program on the computer.
Thirdly, always have 'motivating factors' attached to chores. Something "good" must follow on the heels of work, just like a coffee break follows on our hard work. Meals, snack time, a video, whatever - these can be worked in so that the children know what is coming and be able to look forward to it as they work.
Here, consistency is 'key' or it won't help them. The development of a rule is essential in this regard.
Lastly, though! Independant taking-on-of-chores is not really an ability children this age can do, and most certainly not every day, every time. You will be highly frustrated as a Mom if you are expecting such a level of independant work for under-sevens.
It would be best for you as a mother to 'accept' this aspect of your vocation as a necessary duty. Then, practically you can assign 5 minutes to the beginning and end of all your chore times to 'supervise' the start of their chores and the end.
Better, at this age, you may want to resign yourself to working along side with them as this keeps them working and prevents going off track.
I think that your working with them, and supervising, is and remains your most important ongoing 'motherly' duty with regard to chores. It even lasts into the teen years, although I find by the time they reach 13 or 14, they tend to begin to do chores on their own without reminder, and even take on chores that are not their own! But this is not necessarily consistent then either! :-)
My, do I struggle with developing routine. There always seems to be a different challenge, whether diapers need attended or waiting on someone to finish, or something! I think we have finally established a sort of routine, but that doesn't seem to make things any easier. Maybe my problem is motivating the kids? (Six of them, 9 and under.)
Concerning chores, after listening to Holly, I really need to reasses my expectation level of the children! This is one frustrating area. For months we've had this routine. 3rd grade starts early in the morning. Once prek/k wake up, the same chores forever more are expected. (Teeth, change, clothes off floor, books away, bed made.) I've added toilets and sinks several weeks ago. (I got tired of the pee all around the toilets and gobs of toothpaste in the sinks! I guess that is something to laugh about, but not right now!:))
Now the motivator is supposed to be FOOD...breakfast. It does not seem to be effective, however, to my surprise! They love to eat and are hungry upon waking. But, my reminders at the bottom of the steps yelled up, such as, "Keep at it and breakfast will be waiting. Or "finish up or you'll skip food." I am often in the middle of English or math with 3rd grade so I'm juggling the baby with school and my reminders up the stairs. Prek/k are up there way too long and so, they cannot eat just yet and must show me initiative in starting their handwriting and a little cooperation in prayer and school with me before they get to eat. Yesterday, we made our "picture" charts for the first time. Well, my K did a wonderful job today and I didn't get to find out if he used the chart. My prek left her bed unmade, but came down anyhow as I trusted it was done as it usually is. Now, according to Holly, I should be spending a few minutes up there guiding them and shorten the number of chores expected? Overseeing is just as frustrating, maybe more because I'm right there, at times. The boys (K, 3rd grade) tend to lolly gag a lot more and I remind them to "Come on! Clothes put away (which is their clean laundary sorted by me in a pile)!" as I'm helping out a little.
I just feel like I can't be everywhere at one time and people need to be pulling more of their weight!
Another motivator is supposed to be getting to go outside. They all mostly live for that. But no one ever seems to be staying on track. I threaten to close all of the curtains because instead of school, they interrupt the whole house with, "Look at that Blue bird!" I want to enoy those little nature moments, however, if nothing is moving along as I feel it should be, I have to ignore what could be a nice nature appreciation moment. Should I expect my 3rd grade boy and girl to be just as distracted? Isn't a schedule supposed to keep everyone going because they know what to expect? Yet, still, they have to be reminded to mark off the work they have done for that day, do their memory work following religion fill in the blank, reminders to complete specified subjects before moving on to others more appealing and easy. Then come time for free time I ask, "Do you have your Math page done?" "No, but I did all of this!! (certain subj simply don't get done if they are not completed first!)" "You know what you were told to do. No you may not go out until such and such is done. And time is ticking, so if you want that time outside, get it done!" Do you think my 3rd grader would rush to get done and outside where the others are having a great time at the stream?? No. And he loves that kind of outdoor stuff. I have to scold any children around to leave him be! He gets to talking to them, or he goes off and thinks he needs to sew his sock or take something out of a drawer that needs fixing or sharpen a whole container of pencils!! I get tired of waiting around and these days, I go outside and get some fresh air with the baby, even if my almost 3 y/o will not get her socks and my 3rd graders still have work to be done that should have been done hours ago!!!
Have I given anyone a sense of our household and enough information for any advice?? Is everything going as it should be, and I just don't see it? Often, I think if I could only get a glimpse of other households and see how mothers respond to all of the different situations. We don't have any difficult crosses in our life like the one mother on this site that has children going to the hospital and such. Our life is simple. I am expecting number 7, and the tired part is over. I think to God what crosses do I have to bear? God is way too easy on me. But then, maybe he's giving me the opportunity to put all of my energy on the little things that seem like would be so easy, but they are not! I guess I have always been full of expectations and only frustrating and hopeless feelings in the end. I do like to get lots of things "accomplished" to feel good about the day, clean house, sewing squeezed in, reading aloud to various children, cute moments watching the kids interact, and I wonder, is it really best for me to bring the expectation level WAY DOWN, ignore all of those beautiful schedules from Mater Amibilis, Managers of Their Home, etc!!??
I remembered that the kids have friends coming over Wednesday. I will use it as a super motivator to get things done around here. But then, I can't see canceling and disappointing the other family if things don't get done as planned. I guess I need to discuss that with the mother next time.
My husband reminds me that being a good and peaceful Catholic mom for our children is more important than educating them. But the balance is hard to find. Was it Sally Clarkson that said if you got the basics done, reading, writing, and math, then sometimes that is good enough for the day??? Or something like that?
Thanks for listening, Bridget
When children are little, read 9 and under, they are not capable of sustained independent work on their own, from day to day or even from 5 minutes to 5 minutes! Mummy's job is to supervise, teach and work with them. It is not age-appropriate to expect that 'once taught - always done' works at this age. Heavens, it doesn't work for teenagers! :-)
From my experience, if I am rushing the kids or trying to get them to work more independently or feeling scattered - the issue has been with me expecting too much of the kids so that I can get on with what I want to do. A major cross for many moms is to realize, when the kids are little, that Mummy's life is reduced to a series of simple repetitive duties with little time for personal extras, until the kids get older. If anything needs to be looked at, it is the extent of the work to be done, and the extent of time Mummy spends on her own thing so that chore time is rushed with the kids.
Fr Chautard in Soul of the Apostolate suggests that there must be plenty of time permitted for the accomplishment of each task, even if it means eliminating other unimportant tasks, or the soul cannot be recollected.
I would suggest this is one of the main problems here, and that Mummy's impatience stems from feeling rushed and working with an agenda, instead of focusing on the present moment and loving attentiveness to the children. To be present to the present moment means to simplify life - to get down to basics, not all the extras - and to focus only upon what is happening now, not in five minutes. AKA stop and smell the roses.
A house decluttered is essential - a minimal but adequate chore chart - the removal of superfluous activities, attending instead to essentials - Mummy's attentive supervision while learning to keep herself patient. This latter is acquired with grace thru prayer, and through not having so many things on the agenda that she finds herself rushing.
And all of this IS education. The impatient Mummy teaches the children about life and about themselves. Life lived with the children teaches them about the Christian life - how it is to be lived (or not lived!) This far surpasses in importance the academics of homeschooling.
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