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How to Discipline a Child Who Lies
Dear Holly,
I was inspired by your talks recently at a Home Schooling Conference in St. Louis. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us. I especially gained much from the talk on discipline. Already, just taking on the mindset of a teacher has helped. I realized that often I take the children's infractions personally. Thinking of myself as a teacher helps remove the issue of taking
things too personally. THANKS!!
I wanted to ask you a question about discipline. My daughter is 4-1/2. She is a very strong willed child--and has three older brothers which probably doesn't help much with that. Anyway, she has begun to lie...a lot! I've tried talking to her about telling truth. How it's important to always tell truth to mommy and daddy. It's not working. I even succumbed once to putting soap in her mouth (something I was subjected to as a child and I think it worked with me!!). I'm struggling to think of a natural consequence for lying that isn't too subtle for a 4 year old. Any ideas?
Labels: 4th P Parent
posted by Holly at 8:32 PM
7 Comments:
I can only share with you what I have done and why.
First off, all of my children have passed thru that phase at about the same age, and some it took a while to get out of.
First off, I felt that for the child, lying was a new-found discovery that seemed to temporarily provide immediate benefits: If I say my bedroom is clean, I can keep playing! If I say I didn't take that cookie, Mummy won't get mad at me.
So - the child perceives lying as a 'good' and chooses it willingly. As a Mom then, I need to slowly change my child's understanding of that erroneous good - to show the negative effects of lying so that the child's will (decision power) will reject it, for the will usually seeks after a 'good'. So , catechesis, ongoing, is your first step.
Secondly, I felt that once the child had lied, and I began to get suspicious thru evidence that lying was happening, then the child often felt caught in a trap - Oh oh! I can't back down on this one now, cuz I'm gonna get into more trouble!
I found heavy-handed responses or threat of punishment just dug the hole deeper and provided no real answer.
So, I had to figure out what I wanted. I wanted the truth, and I wanted the child to practice the opposite virtue from the negative sin of lying. So, in the event of what I thought was a lie, I had to arrange for the truth to come out. This usually meant taking the child to a place to sit and talk and to do so in a very understanding and safe way.
First, by explaining why God gave us tongues - to speak truth. And how lying is not right. Etc etc etc. This teaching is very important and you do well to continue it - patiently - for as long as the situation occurs.
Secondly tho, I discussed with the kids the feelings that accompanied lying - the feeling of making life easier temproarily, and over and over showed how this was untrue. But it was the fear of 'fessing up that I dealt with most especially.
I made an agreement with them:
When you have lied to me, I know that you get scared to tell the truth after that, and that you feel stuck in that lie. So! When you are feeling like this, you need to say to me "Mummy! Can I speak honestly?" (Or I would say - I need you to speak honestly)
And then, that was OUR signal that they would not be punished in any way for the behavior they were lying about. By remving all threat of punishment, the child usually confessed - privately - and this was more important to me than the original infraction.
This process takes time, But I think the child needs to know that they are emotionally safe on this, and that Mummy 'understands' their predicament - because lying can be a pretty automatic response. But if Mummy 'understands' and I am not going to get into trouble for tellign the truth, then I can learn to speak honestly and openly without fear of trouble.
It is only when the child continues to do this into the 8 or 9 year old range that I consider direct consequences for lying to be efficient. Otherwise, with a fear of a punishment, children lie until they get caught, and there is no remorse or practice in good going on.
Oh, and BTW, lying at age 4 is not a sin. Even when the child reaches the age of reason, it is not as deadly as we think, for they are learning morality. Only as they get older then , when I see intent and purposeful deception, do I consider it really serious.
In the meantime: ongoing efforts to form the conscience of the child, an insistence on the truth insofar as you are able to discern this is happening, and a reminder that altho Mummy may not always know the truth, God most certainly does, and leave it at that.
Holly,
I think everything you said is great, again, we need to be the adult and really teach our children; 'teach' being the true meaning of the word 'discipline'! But I do have a question regarding:
"And then, that was OUR signal that they would not be punished in any way for the behavior they were lying about."
Why would they no longer warrant punishment for what they did in the first place? Is it because the time is to far removed from the original act?
NO - it is because I consider lying insidious and an absolute core behavior to remove. If I continue to 'punish' minor infractions in these instances, then I foster the need of the child to 'lie' in order to avoid punishment. It is the lying which hampers our ability to teach our children - it is the worst kind of thing, in my opinion.
Now, you see - what I am talking about is lighter matters in which I need the child to tell the truth in order for me to know what happened. If there was a serious issue which I knew the child was lying about, and I knew that the cild both committed the very serious act and 'continues' to lie about it - when both are serious - I would give consequences for both. The situations I am talking about is when you can afford to forego the initial blunder in favor of rooting out the lying.
IN any event - heavy handedness is not my primary means of 'punishment'. It is usually a teaching situation for me - a long chat is often felt like a punishment - and then some form of natural consequence.
Do you have advice for teens who lie? It's a new thing(I think) with my daughter.She's almost 18 and wants independence.She has lied a few times when she thinks we won't let her do something. My husband thinks grounding is counter productive at this point as she can threaten to move out.We've set up "basic rules" if she lives here by which she must abide, and of course the wrongness of lying.Any advice?.
I can only share what I would be thinking about - not necessarily what you should do, since your circumstances are different, and your question is vague on details.
My daughter is quite mature at 16 now, and I am giving her as much 'freedom" (ie responsibility and free choice) as possible to correspond to her age. Realize that 150 years ago, teens were probably married with homes of their own by then. I think that encouraging kids to choose is the only way to practice freedom, and helping them see their options is our job. Her tendency to lie means she feels her freedom is threatened. Her desire for freedom - not lisense - is natural, good, God-inspired and necessary. She is almost an adult and needs to take over her own life. She should have been doing this progressively more and more since the age of twelve - as our entire child-raising is meant to prepare our kids to function on their own.
If it were me, I would be looking at establishing moral rules - ones which are not to be broken or she would have to move out - like no drugs, no drinking in the house, no boyfriends upstairs etc... And I would establish a chore list of her responsibilities, in discussion and agreement with her. I would come up with agreeable vehicle use rules that all agreed upon. I would question her re: her desires for meal and prayer involvement, and give her room for her own life.
I would be insisting upon my daughter working and earning her keep and contributing to the family finances in some token way if I offer room and board during say, the university years. But if she was not going to university, I would require more.
And that would be that. There is not much else I would be 'permitting or not permitting' at that age. I would consider my daughter a young adult and responsible for her own life, and give her her legitimate freedom in choosing her own path.
I think that the reason you suggest she lies is that she is not getting the freedom she believes she needs. So, I would examine if this were true. Aside from the moral teaching which she should already have grasped many years ago, I would offer her the choice - quite freely - to stay and abide by the rules or move. She is old enough, in my opinion. She need not lie. She can go live her life freely at 18.
Thank you for your insight into lying 4 year olds! This is our issue currently and I plan on printing off your advice for my husband to read as well.
I agree whole-heartedly about our main goal being that of rooting out the insidious behaviour of lying. And that truth trumps all!!
After all, how can we expect to have healthy, open communication with our children as they get older and truly need a safe place to talk things through when the fear of the wrath of punishment has been instilled in them from such an early age??
Thank you again for your ministry!
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