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With Your Rule
Husband's Schedule Mixes Up Mother's Rule
Dear Holly,
As I finally get my children to bed, here I sit, exhausted and frustrated. I simply don't know how to handle the fact that my husband's schedule is completely unpredictable and keep any kind of consistent rule. Does anyone have a rule that doesn't depend in some way on her husband?
My first P depends on the fact that he can be here until 7 am so I can do my morning prayer. Over the last 2 weeks, I think I've done it twice. He is either gone to an early meeting or sleeping as late as possible because he is exhuasted. I end up doing it in the shower, or 2 hours late after the baby goes down for her nap. Also, so I can have my Adoration time, he needs to be here Thursdays by 8 pm. Every night before we go to bed I ask him where he is working the next day (he switches locations), if he'll be home for lunch, and if he has any early morning/evening obligations. To no avail, and due to no fault of his own, something always comes up. And I do mean always! I even missed my last Confession date (a Sat. am once a month) because there was a breakfast he had to attend 45 mintues away. I'll spare you the details, but he didn't get home until after 2:00 pm. He has to spend time out of state, and when he comes home, we have a wonderful family evening together. but then, like today, he calls and says that there is a meeting at 6:00 pm he has to go to. This, of course means his dinner is on hold. He also told me that there is a wake he as to attend tomorrow evening at 5:30 - so he will again miss dinner with us and bedtime. In the last 2 weeks, we have had 2 dinners together as a family.
I am so thankful that he has a job and works so hard to provide for our family. I am blessed that when he is here he pitches in every way. But I am feeling sabotaged and don't quite no what to do. Anyone else been through this?
Labels: 3rd P Partner
posted by Holly at 7:56 AM
9 Comments:
I planned my rule excluding counting on my husband. I had a job to do, and I had to be able to fulfill it without depending on him too much, altho his schedule was not as hectic as your husband's. But my prayer and chores and most things had nothing to do with Philip, because I did not want to be a nagging wife. And when I had talked with him about my bi-weekly days out, I gave him the choice or told him we could hire a sitter for those days.
Secondly tho, I would have a very deep serious and perhaps challanging talk with my husband about his job, his schedule, his lack of presence, even if it does pull in money. I have always been of the opinion that less money but more Daddy is a better deal.
And if your husband is anything like my husband used to be, you may need to encourage him to say "No" to various non-essentials. In reality, going to a wake is not as important as being with you and the children, especially if he has not spent any time with you in two weeks. I would encourage him to schedule lunch dates instead of breakfast dates, and leave his office work by 6pm at the latest to be home. I think you need to help him see the needs of his family and their direct relationship to his presence.
There is such a thing as a supportive wife, but you and the children do in fact have a real need to spend time with your husband and father. It sounds to me that your frustration comes not so much from your responsibilities, as the feeling of being left up in the air as a secondary consideration by your husband. I would be seriously asking him to reflect on his priorities.
Perhaps you might want to discuss this with a priest, who could give you objective counsel.
I have known similar difficulties for many years. Looking back on one particularly tough period, I shudder to remember what I can bear to about the many stresses and pressures we were under. There were a couple occasions I remember when I thought this is it, this is where I lose my mind... it was the same year of that terrible tragedy in Texas, when a woman drowned her five children. I've often wondered just how much more it would take have taken to push me over the edge.
You must have that talk with your husband. If his schedule is so erratic, the best thing he can do for his children is to at least give YOU the bare minimum you need to keep the spiritual and personal batteries charged. This won't end overnight. We still deal with the same issues, taking different forms as the children grow. My husband does see the impact more clearly now that we have teens. Try to convey to your husband that while the lost time with Dad can never be made up, at least the situation can be reversed very quickly with young children. Trickier to convey is what the workaholic behavior and unreliable (nonexistent?)schedule takes away from your marriage.
Holly makes good limit-setting suggestions for intense professionals:lunch vs breakfast or dinner meetings, etc. I will say that in pro-life work I have encountered a number of men who are successful in their careers, volunteer in the community, yet are active in their faiths and dedicated to their families. They know how to set limits. They will begin a meeting by saying they will have to leave at such and such a (reasonable)time, and when the time comes, they do. More often than not it's a promise they've made to their wives to be home by a certain time! These types are successful and organized in all areas, and by no means do they lose the respect and admiration of other men-- quite the contrary.
Finally, I don't know if you, too, live far away from family, and are perhaps new to your area with little local support. It takes time, but cultivating friendships with other local homeschoolers and Catholics is a lifeline (including families with nice babysittinfg teens!). You will be in my prayers.
I, too, plan my rule without depending on my husband, although I certainly have not reached a level of structure that some of you have. I have two thoughts for this writer. One is to be sure that what you expect of yourself is reasonable. Start with getting one prayer time into your day and focus on that until it becomes a reliable routine, then move on to other things. The second idea is that at times I have used middle school students as mothers helper. They have been girls who are interested in babysitting in the future and they come in to my home and supervise the children while I am still home. They gain experience with the children, but I am still available to provide guidance, help, crisis intervention. Also, they either volunteer their time, or I pay them less than I would pay an actual babysitter.
I hope these ideas help. Two phrases I repeat to myself: "Patience, perseverence, and hope." and "This too shall pass." Kim
Wow, I thought I was the only one who has a life like that! I too have a husband with an unpredictable work schedule. Each morning he finds out where he will be working and what time he starts. Each night I never know what time he will be home. This makes it very difficult to have family dinner. Even though we only have one child (8 months old) I know how important family meal time is. As for your spiritual life, you are doing way more than I am - I feel like I am lacking in that department. You are to be commended for the effort you are giving(I only have one child) I also am thankful that he has a job that is able to support our family, especially since I have just made the decision to not go back to work after my mat leave is done, but I do wish he was around more. I wish I could give you some advice, but since my husband and I are also just doing the best we can, I'm not in any better a situation. The only consolation that I give myself and can give you is that having one parent as that steady, constant schedule keeper, is much more better than two full time working parents - just look at the youth in today's society to remind you of this.
As long as you and your husband are both working hard to live your faith, no matter how little your husband is around, your children will feel this and grow in their faith as well. Trust that you are doing God's will and he will provide for you. Hope this helps:-)
Carlene
My husband is a workaholic who does not really desire to "hang out" with our family. It is just too boring for him. I have tried everything. He doesn't change by me or our priest talking to him. He is living in the moment of what is exciting to him and that is work. He is faithful and devoted to our faith. His mind and his heart just don't engage on this level.
I made a decision a couple of years ago to hold a personal funeral for counting on him. I decided to go on parenting and living my life on my own. If he could be with us, it would be icing on the cake. I was very angry about this for a time, but I slowly adjusted and now have a great peace about it. It is so much better for my 6 children to have me setting priorities and leading prayers and activities and house cleaning and organizing than neither of us - or me always being disappointed or handicapped by his lack of presence.
I encourage you to get on with living your life and live it in the Sacred Heart. By releasing your dependence on your husband you may, like me, find a dependence on God in a whole new light and at a new level. (I don't mean that women whose husbands are dependable are lesser - on the contrary, but we must all accept and live where our circumstances lead us.)
This was great; I just wanted to add that I had a re-arrangeable schedule when my husband's schedule was particularly erratic: the late afternoon and evening routines were switched depending on if her were home or not. Another time I had several alternate schedules: if my husband was home, if he wasn't home, if a child was sick (that was a winter that it seemed like one or two was sick throughout).
I have found that I deal much better with the not-knowing if I have alternate plans.
Annie
So nice to know our family is not the only family out there whose husband/father does not care to be around us. He just wants peace and quiet at home. When we visit family or friends, we plan without him since he is usually overwhelmed or too exhausted to go. I like anonymous' advice about moving on and trusting in the Sacred Heart of Jesus.
I have two daughters (4yo) and am trying to find enough time to complete my dissertation. One idea that I came up with recently is to get a teen homeschooler to come in for a couple of hours a couple of days a week to do some crafts with the girls. That will keep them entertained and give me a block of time to write. Perhaps a similar arrangement might work for you?
I had this problem for years until I threw it all at Christ's feet and prayed, prayed, prayed our difficulties would end. I offered the pain to him regularly and began a devotion to Our Lady and St. Joseph. This may sound simplistic, but something worked, and he quit his horrible job and became fervent about his faith. He still has workaholic tendancies, just like we all have sinful habits we can fall into, but overall he is a completely different person.
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