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A "Rule" Too "Monastic" for Motherhood?
Dear Holly,
A "rule of life" is usually associated with monastic and religious communities. But I've never heard it recommended for lay women before. Does living by a "rule" run the risk of bringing a "monastic" spirit into lay family life? I'm just curious about this. I know that many religious groups in the Church reccommend that lay persons follow at least a "plan of life" or a "program of
prayer" --- but these seem to me much more "lay" than a total "rule." Any thoughts on this?
Labels: About a Rule of Life
posted by Holly at 5:03 AM
4 Comments:
A rule of life is very similar to a plan of life or program of life, altho I am not an expert on these others,and cannot give you a working definition of distinction.
The thing about a rule is that it involves a commitment to focus fully on the vocation God has intended you to have and to ensure it's fulfillment. And through this, one seeks Christian perfection and God. There is a practical and spiritual element.
It originated within the church early, in fact with the hermits, (and was also found in other religious traditions) and was adopted by Benedict, the father of Western monasticism. Interestingly, St. Benedict was a lay person, and not a priest. Interestingly too, monasticism is based on the family model, and hence we call the abbot or abbess Father or Mother, and the other members sisters of brothers.
And just as I pointed out in A Mother's Rule of Life, the similarities between religious or monastic life and family life are very many - we all need to eat and sleep and clean and live our specific apostolates - only the charism and detail work differs.
I would like to just confirm the thoughts of the original poster as far as trying to incorporate too much of a monastic lifestyle into a family. I would urge any mom to really pray about her reasons for developing a very structured rule of life within the family.
I think that just as each of us has a very unique personality, each family also has a very unique personality. If Mom and Dad both, and this is very important, BOTH agree that this is good for the family and will work and will help bring them to holiness, then this is a marvelous and quite beautiful way to live.
If there is resistance on Mom or Dad's part, if certain personality traits are not there, I think we have to be very cautious about how much structure and rigidity we attempt add to a family life. Certainly, too much structure is not good. Certainly, too much spontaniety is not good. If there are things in a rule that you see could help your family, by all means go for it! But I don't think it is necessary for each family to have the goal of living something close to Holly's rule in the book. There are definitely certain personalities that would thrive on this and definitely ones that could not reach fulfillment this way. Perhaps a completely different style of rule based on Mom or Dad's particular strengths or strengths as a couple would be something to consider.
I think it is a great temptation for many of us moms to dream of being in the monastic world. How quiet, how peaceful, how orderly, how much alone time with Christ! But let us remember that we need to live the vocation the Lord has given us and not dream of living another one. I say that only out of personal experience, not as a description of Holly's Rule. I find her example and support very inpsiring and beautiful, but also not something I feel my family is called to, after several years of consideration and trial. I do, however, sometimes dream of being a cloistered nun:). Although, my four year old and two year old do not apparently have the same dream.:)
If there is parental unity on this issue, go for it! How wonderful. If not, pray, do what you can see helping your family and then follow the path that Christ has given to your particular situation.
1. I think that copying the monastic life, especially if there are images of a totally quiet grand hall and silent monks eating lunch are what we imagine, is deterimental. The aspect of monasticism that IS to be copied is their 'conscious' living out of their vocational responsibilities. And to this end, that we consciously organize our lives to fulfill the calling of God - this is essential.
2. The level of structure is not such an issue - but it is indeed the level of rigidity which can cause chaos to family life. Despite my rule looking very rigid, it is far from it. It matters not if I dont; get to lunch prep at 11:45 for we can always start at noon... But it provides a goal for me and a basic plan, without which whim tends to rule.
I think that the issue behind the structure is more personal to women - and that is the tendency or not to perfectionism, rigidity, lack of ability to go with the flow. But this does not remove the need for a basically set meal time, set chore times and set prayer time.
3. MROL is very much against a woman adopting my schedule, and I agree with you. That is why the questions in each chapter are designed for each unique woman to ask herself the relevant questions in her unique circumstances. It won't work if people cut and paste, altho my rule is perhaps a starting sample one can alter.
4. Remember that a rule deals with essentials - all of life is not meant to be structured. We'd go nuts.
5, Our husbands do indeed have a right to be upset if we try to structure their lives. But that does not mean we can't organize our own lives. We still have a vocation to live and order within it is an aid to accomplishing the many tasks we have on our plate. Let hubby live his own life, and Mummy can structure her own vocation. Consult him on issues that involve him, but don't try to control him.
6, Remember a rule is recommended for the laity as well as for the religious. And a rule can basically be focused on prayer. Keep in mind tho, that as Moms, it is sometimes our other resposnibilities which gives us the appearance of not having time to pray. So a general schedule is really recommended to ensure a conscious fulfillment of everything.
I want to say that I am re-reading the book myself for the 3rd time and have never finished it, hopefully this time I will. My thoughts are that this book is a guide for those of us who struggle with organization and how to fight through the guilt of not being perfect in the 5 P's and gain insight in what we are called to do. It gives a very different perspective on how important our roles are so we know how to examine them rather than feel overwhelmed by them. As mothers, we instinctively know that for the most part, things never go how we plan. This book is full of SUGGESTIONS on making life easier, not making it unrealistic so I am not sure why some would take it as such. God Bless you Holly for taking the time in your busy life to write a much needed book.
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