Help
With Your Rule
Balance in All Things
Dear Holly,
I have to say one of my biggest personal struggles as a mother has been mental. As an eager, enthusiastic young Catholic, I adopted the typical Sears (attachment parenting) books and Kippley (Couple to Couple League) resources. They were recommended to me by aunts and friends as being truly the "Catholic" "Gospel" way to parent...the only way to truly lay down your life for your child etc. etc. Well, not only did the whole ecological breastfeeding not work (I was pregnant again when my first son was 5 months) but I found myself so incredibly inbalanced and unstable that I fell into about a year and a half of depression. I will acknowledge that some of this was due to my own personal struggle with despair and my physiological condition. Even with my spiritual director encouraging balance and convincing me that I should not feel guilty putting my child in a crib or limiting his nursing time, regular sessions with a good therapist, and constant dialogue with my wonderful husband on the matter, it took me over a year to unwind myself and "heal" so to speak.
I only share this because I want to thank you for being humble enough to share everything you have done with your kids, from sleeping and eating to educating. You have helped me tremendously because what resonates through your writing is balance, peace and common sense. I think it's easy as a zealous Catholic to desire the "holiest" style of parenting and unfortunately there are certain authors who claim to really have the ticket. When it comes to parenting, hasn't God given us the tools we need in the Holy Spirit and our intellect to discern for ourselves how best to raise our children?
Anyhow, enter Kathryn Sansone the author of "Woman First, Family Always." She's a beautiful, positive Catholic mother of ten who had the humility (like you) to simply write a book describing what has worked for her. She gives several practical words of wisdom dealing with the 3 P's of person, partner and parent. Her treatment of spirituality lacks depth but I think that had more to do with her secular publisher. It's a simple, easy read that's perfect for young mothers like me who may struggle with guilt and want to know it's okay to do certain things that have been given a "taboo" label by certain Catholic camps (like bottle feeding or leaving our kids with a babysitter to exercise or having a date night with our husband!). I've read MROL and Kathryn's book both over and over because at least in my little world, they complement each other and always offer what I need to hear...which most of the time is Balance, Balance, Balance!
Labels: 4th P Parent
posted by Holly at 2:09 PM
8 Comments:
Forgive me while I appear to ramble off course -
I've done a bit of studying in educational philosophy, and it is a common thing for educators to get so tied up in 'method' that they forget 'purpose'.
Even in my classroom when a teacher, or in my homeschool, it can be very difficult to break out of a 'method-mindset' to focus on the 'purpose' of what I'm doing. I may feel bound to follow all the pages of a textbook with the Q&A (method), but what I really need to accomplish with the kids in that they are familiar with concept a,b and c (purpose)...
How they learn a,b,c is irrelevant, really - we can use any method which is moral and works!
The Catholic Church never rules on 'method' in education or parenting styles. It has it's main principles for the purpose of a Christian education, and the formation of children and family life, and HOW these things are taught - in whatever varied ways - are all fine so long as the goals are met.
So too, it is easy for honest and sincere people to try to do what is best, and to find a way which 'works' for them, truly, and then to promote this method to the exclusion of all others. In reality, things like attachment parenting have real validity, but the heart is that the child needs to feel loved and bonded with and know that Mummy is safe and available. HOW Mummy chooses to provide this is up to her, in her own unique way,with her own unique children...
So, take what is good from what you read, and see the underlying 'purpose' of what good Catholic authors are trying to tell you, but then apply it with a 'method' which suits YOUR particular family life.
You're right - balance, balance,balance!
Holly, I am considering homeschooling, but am afraid I can't do it with love and patience. I have 4 kids ages 8.5, 6,6,and 3.5. I love their wonderful Catholic school, but it is 30 minutes away and I feel like Mon thru Thursday there is only school then homework then dinner and bed. We are not connected. There is no balance. No piano, no playtime, no ballet, no karate. Things they want to do. All 4 attend from 8:15-3:15. My 3.5 year old goes 4 days per week. My husband travels very often and works long hours. This will not change. I have been very stressed out and overwhelmed these past 8 years, even with the help of a nanny and housekeeper. I have finally reached a point of some peace and recovery. I have finally achieved some balance adn recreation for myself after complete burn out. I have been struggling with being and not doing for a while and have found it difficult to have fun with my kids. I am improving, but fear I won't be able to actually have the patience to teach them stuff. I get very impatient sometimes with my 3rd grader. I know I am smart enough text book wise, I have a BS in Physics and a BSME(mechanical engineering) that doesn't scare me, it's the learning styles and temperment stuff that is overwhelming. I am still discovering my temperment and who I am. I have power struggles with my 3rd grader. I have been fighting with him to get his homework done since Kinder. I'm afraid he might be getting destroyed by school. He is wonderfully curious. Almost a pest with millions of questions. But I don't know if I'm cut out for the teaching part. I groan thinking about researching and lesson planning and learning styles. I would still need a nanny in the PM so I could get my errands done and have some physical excercise 2x per week. Should I maybe wait a year? Does having a nanny deafeat the whole purpose? I don't think I could be around the kids all day and take them on food shopping excursions. Not my idea of fun, more like torture. I love my kids, I love to do cake baking and cookies and I teach them our faith constantly. But teaching history or social studies seems... ugh.Help me, please.
Yes, Patti. You have many questions here. I think there are many things which need to be looked at, and this blog isn't the place.
I would encourage you to assess what it is that overwhelms you about motherhood to such an extent. Homeschooling will only add to it. I do think you need to chat with your husband and a spiritual director to find out what is going on.
I will pray for you
Holly
Thank you for your prayers. I think you hit the nail on the head. I do get overwhelmed a lot. It is getting better as they get older and can do more for themselves. I will do as you suggest.
I want to say to the woman who wrote what Holly posted. I’m so sorry you went through what you did and I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I wanted to go into counseling but we don’t have the funds for it right now and I’m finding that it’s actually healing and therapeutic just to realize there are other moms out there who went through some of the feelings I did when I became a mom.
I ran into some of the women who thought what they were doing was right and as Holly kind of puts it so well, it’s really that they found something that works well for them and they think everyone should do that.
If I had been pressured into “attachment parenting” and been made to feel that not only should I do it well but be happy about it, I’d end up depressed too. I was only fortunate because some more balanced Catholic moms who gave me great advice surrounded me as well. Some of the best advice was there’s no perfect way to parent but there’s a lot of really good ways to parent. With each mom and child being so unique it makes a lot of sense.
I hope you’re healing process is complete and I hope you know you were probably doing a lot better than you thought all along!
Thank you Mrs. Graves for writing that response to me. I wrote that original note to Holly because I truly benefit so much from not just her book but going on this blog and seeing the honest questions and feedback from other mothers. I am doing so much better now- more confident and joyful in my motherhood than ever before. This is truly a gift from the Holy Spirit- not something I earned. I just choose my books and sources carefully and stay away from sources that I know will trigger that doubt in my heart which leads to despair. I am very fortunate to be able to afford a good Catholic therapist as well as have a good spiritual director. I agree with you though that one of the most reassuring things is to know that other women have been through it too. That's why this is the one site I go to again and again. I also try to talk to those mothers who I really admire about these things...and I am reassured over and over that there are many good holy mothers out there who have used many different methods. My prayer is that Our Lady will be my model and through her I will be healed of the insecurities and doubt concerning the way I am living my vocation...the more I pray this way the more I have peace and the healing continues.
Holly, Well it has been a year since I (Patti) posted my distressed and overwelmed post. I didn't even have it in the right section. I just plopped it in someone else's post on Balance. I just wanted to update everyone. I ended up taking my then 3rd grader out of school this year and we hired tutors to teach him in out home. He is so much happier, I am so much more at peace! I also spent the last year working with someone to organize my house, get rid of anything we didn't absolutely need, focused on my health problems, and really worked on my prayer life. Exhausting, but huge results. God bless you Holly for all the fruits of your past suffering. I read your book 3 years ago and the journey has continued. I just down loaded your work book and will be executing it asap. I now have started menu planning, I have a rule that I am hammering out and I feel so much more in control. Thankyou for your prayers and time. Patti
Excellent Patti! Thank you so much for sharing with us your progress - and it sounds as if much progress is being made!!
Baby steps - like the tortoise in the fable of the tortoise and the hare - these baby steps win the race! Keep up the good work and may God continue to bless you!
Holly
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