Help
With Your Rule
Disillusioned with Aspects of Motherhood...
Dear Holly,
I am struggling a bit. I would never put my kids in daycare and I've waited a long time (I'm 35) to meet the right man and have children in my life. They deserve my time right now, but I find myself counting down the years until I can put them in school and go back to work, which is where I feel like I belong. I'm disappointed that I waited so long to be a mother and, even though I love my daughter, I don't really like being home all that much. I don't know if this stems from lack of experience as a mother, or poor scheduling, or disillusionment as I transition through change, or what! I didn't have any experience with children or babies before I became a mother - in fact I had never seen a newborn until a month or so before I had one myself ! But for years I was a corporate project manager, worked with youth at my parish, and did other volunteer work every Saturday before I got married and had my daughter so I know my organizing and multi-tasking potential and what it's like to keep that in balance with your spiritual growth. I don't understand what is happening nor how to change it.
Labels: 4th P Parent
posted by Holly at 1:27 PM
3 Comments:
I experienced similar things as a young mother, and I have always attributed it to my upbringing and my formation. It seemed to me that all my life I was formed for a career and to make a big difference in the world. And, in addition, every skill I had developed was attuned to that goal. Coming home to be with the children, a place I had previously considered a place of rest and recreation, suddenly left me feeling not only lacking peace, but in turmoil. I found no peace at home because little children wanted me all the time, and I didn't have any of the satisfaction of using my talents and skills in this new environment. I was alone most of the day with the children, and felt like I was floating.
Eventually, I began to realize that I was suffering from a 'meaning' issue. That it was because I had absent or negative viewpoints of my daily duties that made me feel what I was doing was insignificant. I guess you could say that A Mother's Rule is my attempt to share with you the very deep meaning I discovered in my family life, after much prayer and reflection and study.
We cannot commit to something that means little to us, so I think that a main need of modern mothers, due to the careerism and anti-family mentality we have been immersed in, is to study and read and learn as much as we can about God's intent for us as
mothers, and the meaning of our vocation. Get it wherever you can find it - because this formation of our mind is very important to our decisions - we choose that which appears good to us. We need to see the good in our vocation.
So,
don't put Mother's Rule down, but read and read and find places where it strikes you, and consider this where the Lord is speaking to you, and reach out to find other mother books and find your meaning.
In addition, your organizing and multi-task talents now need to be applied, but in a different context. But they are meant to be applied. Your present job is to learn to be person-oriented as opposed to task oriented - and to be receptive to the needs of those you are with, vs the needs of the immaterial home you live in. Working with inanimate objects, for those with an organiziational bent, can be very satisfying, as we can control and accomplish. But working with people, especially non-rational babies who can't talk, is another learning process - and one even more important than task-orientation. Use your organizational skills to bring order to your home, de-clutter it, and maintain in the least amount of time possible. Then you can focus on the children and have your heart turned to them.
Becoming a mother has been a tremendous growth experience for me (whether I've liked it or not) because it's helped me see myself more clearly. I've never thought of the home as a place of peace or relaxation. Growing up the youngest of six in a home with a disorganized mother and other unhealthy issues in the home and family dynamic, I see now that I've spent my entire adult life trying to keep my stress level down by keeping things highly organized and efficient.
Added to that, I am a product of my environment that has groomed me for a career and reinforced the idea I needed to be out on my own and independent. Needless to say, becoming a mother, both dependent and having to suddenly change to a radically different schedule and way of life in a very short period of time was the biggest culture shock I've experienced in my life.
On a certain level, I knew the meaning of what I was doing. Forming a human being is of much greater importance than any project at work; and this was intimidating to me. I honestly think now some of my hesitation (and hence,self imposed misery) early on was more from a lack on wanting to take on the responsibility for the monumental task of forming a soul. I couldn't get a handle on it the way I could sit down and organize my way out of problems and challenges I'd faced in the past. I had felt like this was the most important thing I could do in life, and I had waited so long for my opportunity to come along, here it is, and come to find out I was terrible at it. I could not commit years of my life to something I was no good at when the stakes were so high and just about everything else in my life I had done up until that point I had been proficient at rather quickly.
But I see now that the meaning of what I'm doing isn't going to be if I can do all the things I did before or if I can stick to the schedule of wake up at this time, eat at this time, shower at this time etc. The meaning that God has shown me so graciously, just in the last few days and weeks, has been when my daughter plays peek-a-boo with me the way I do with her. Or to see her try and repeat things back to me that I'm reading to her or to see her grin when I tell her it's time to say grace and cross herself for her.
Seeing a child learn, after working so hard for them, is really a remarkable thing. No one could have ever explained this to me as a single person but I'm starting to get it. The sacrifice, the work, the patience that is required; the lack of sleep, the mental and emotional exertion that goes into a child is so much that you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes but eventually there it is and it's so much more than you imagined!
You are definitely not alone or unusual in your struggle. I too married later (I was 33 when I got married and had my first child at 34 (I'm now 40). Until then I had a very challenging career which I enjoyed, but gave it all up as soon as I had my firstborn. I now have a 6, 4 and 2 year old and I would say that it was just last year that I "got it". So give yourself time to work this all out and I think with a lot of prayer and reading you will begin to see the importance of your job at home. Holly's book is a big help, but I would have to say that very early on, say year 1 to 3, I might have read books like hers and said "wow, you women are too self-sacrificing and holy for me! I could never be like that!" (I still say that sometimes...) But it seems that children make you wiser and God will give you the grace to "change". So hang in there and don't worry too much if it takes a couple of years (or 5!) to love your new role, just keep working on it and don't give up!
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