Help
With Your Rule
Relationship Building...
"Relationship building is an end in itself... The starting point and the primary goal in all our connections with [our] children ought to be the relationship itself, not conduct or behavior... "When I look at how I speak with my daughter, most of the time it's to get her to do something, or to teach her something, or somehow to change her behavior. It's rarely about just being together and enjoying her." "
Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate, in "Hold On To Your Kids", Ballantine Books, New York, c2004, p180-181
posted by Holly at 3:54 PM
1 Comments:
When we grew up in school our assignments were very important - we were told task-orientation was very important. And hanging out with family or friends was second place...
In our parenting, we need to reverse this upbringing which stems from a scientific methodology of educating - emphasizing matter and things and doing, over persons and relationships and being... And we need to learn to be person-oriented.
Our children need our love. Too often, they get only our commands, our agendas, and our inattention, as we use them to accomplish our own pet aims. Too often, we view spending time with them as "time-wasted" - there is so much to 'do' after all - when all they want is a jovial game of cards, or a nodding understanding of their hearts, with a hug and hold-on...
Too often we are so disorganized that we are too distracted by the mess to have time... and in this instance, a rule of life facilitates relationship. Too often we are so organized that our perfectionism blocks relationship with our kids. A balanced rule helps this too.
What a shame, if on our deathbeds, our kids remember etiher a messy home due to lack of organization or a spotless home due to perfectionsim - but in neither case, do they remember memory upon memory of personal affirming interaction with Mummy...
Jesus came to earth to show us how to love, and this needs to be our main emphasis. Unfortunately, in our society, love seems to have run cold, and we don't even know how to interact with each other.
What is our relationship with our children like? How exactly do we spend time with them? Is it instructing in homework, or chores, or directions? Is there any time for personal interaction instead?
John Bosco always stressed the need of 'play' and recreation with our kids - to show them we are interested in them and what interests them, and to remove our relationships from hidden agendas - where we only talk to our kids because we need them to do something...
I believe the root of all discipline issues is lack of feeling loved. If a child truly feels he is loved, he will move mountains in gratitude for you.
How do we show how we love? By presence, by time, by attention - not thinking about all that we have to do, nor all we want them to do. By a smile, genuine, from the heart, which says, directly into their eyes, "I love you! You are GOOD!"
You know... what God did to Jesus at the baptism in the Jordan - "Behold my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased..."
Do our kids know and feel our love for them? What are we doing every single day, often, to be present and available to them, 'doing' nothing but 'being' there in acceptance?
"Hold on to Your Kids" is an excellent book to help us love our kids - in a culture which has lost the instinct to love. Highly Highly Highly recommended. 5 stars.
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