Help
With Your Rule
Is Peer Socialization a Reason to School?
Dear Holly,
I have two little ones. My oldest is going to be five in January. Joey (not his real name) tends to be shy and we are living far away from close friends/family. So we decided that we would enroll him at a Catholic school in our area. Last year he went for two mornings a week. And this year he is there for three mornings. We have a good school that really tries to maintain a Catholic atmosphere. Still I know that the best school/teachers cannot shield him from influences that peers can bring. The more aware I become of the moral breakdown in families the more I want to bring him home. Period.
Here is my question: if I cannot (even with diligent effort) provide him with more than a couple of hours per week socializing with other little boys his age is that a reason to leave him at school? I know that I can get him to some kind of sports at the Y. I also know of another family with whom I could probably arrange a weekly playdate for an hour or two. But most of
the homeschool families from our parish with younger kids either have loads of siblings to hang with or live a long distance from us. When I have tried to gently suggest getting together for play I get the feeling that the moms are extremely busy and really can't find the time. I am frustrated because I want to give my children the best formation possible (and I think homeschooling is that). But since we are without grandparents, aunts, uncles, or really close friends here I am very conscious of the fact that we need other people in our lives. I don't want to have my kids isolated and lonely either. I keep waiting for the Lord to show me a way to make it work.
A second question is, just how much time do young children need to have with their peers? How can I know when I have it 'covered'?
Labels: 4th P Parent, Homeschooling
posted by Holly at 1:26 PM
14 Comments:
Your questions come at a very relevant time because I am presently reading "Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers" by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate. I strongly urge you to get this book - it will clear up any of your doubts about bringing your son home and keeping him with you.
I have been studying 'teenagerism' - you know - the phenomenon which makes seniors scared to turn out their lights at night when there are adolescents milling about, or which makes you uncomfortable to walk past a gang of teens at the mall. The negative behavior, ultimately, stems from the children raising each other - peer attachment Dr Neufeld calls it. As a result, there is a distancing from the parent as the peer takes over. The bonding with peers comes when there is no adult person around to bond with.
Many things increase peer dependance - the absence of mummy and daddy either physically or psychologically, the impersonal day care or school experience, busy teachers and care givers, too much tv and technology time, the accessibiity to only peers to hang around with for most of their days.
Research and history point clearly to the natural order being child-with-parent, instead of child-with -peer. It is just that most of us were raised within a system of institutionalized education and double working parents which led us - you and me - to attach to peers over family, so we do not see the 'problem' with peer-bonding (despite the headlines and rising of school shootings); and we even feel guilty or anxious when we don't provide excessive amounts of peer involvement...to make up for those long school days of being with children the same age
Seeing as how the early childish instinct is to bond and emulate others, I would assume you would prefer this to be with you! So I say, with Dr Neufeld, "Hold On To Your Kids"!!!
For our family, I have raised our children in a rural location, with once a week contact with their cousins for Friday afternoons, and the occasional visit every few months to Grandma. Many times other homeschoolers have been part of our weeks, but other times, no. At times, it has been lonely, there is no question. But it taught us to enjoy each other more, and in the end, as my children grow up, I am pleased with their self-possession, their strong immunity from the sway of peer pressure, and their analysis of the world and their peers from an objective perspective. So, for us, God turned even the difficulty of isolation into a blessing.
I say follow what you already know to be the right thing, and let the child bond with you. There will be plenty of time for friends and siblings even, but his years with you are limited , and at this time, he is in need of a mommy and is still soooo little...
One other point - Dr Neufeld considers shyness a natural result of being reserved with other people whom one has not bonded with. He considers children who are NOT shy to be the ones who show signs of peer bonding due to attachment voids with their parents. He says shyness will overcome itself as the child becomes accustomed to others, but that it is natural and nothing to worry about.
I agree, having my oldest child naturally shy. She is doing very well - her own person - and I like her personal reserve around others.
Hi Holly,
I enrolled my daughter in a two-day/week preschool for the same reason. (shyness) My daughter's shyness is so severe that she only talks to my husband, her older sister and myself. She is 4 and hasn't spoken to her grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins or friends since she was two. Even as an infant though, she was very wary of others. She is like a different person when around anyone but our immediate family. When she is with us she is your normal 4-year old. Laughing, playing, speaking normally (sometimes better than her older sister). However, around anyone else she will not respond when someone speaks to her. She will sometimes whisper in my ear. We feel that her attachment to us is so strong that she needs to learn to interact with others. At school, she doesn't talk to anyone or play with the other children. She does participate in group activites like singing but only mouths the words. She communicates to her teachers by nodding yes/no and pointing to get what she wants.
Her academic skills are where they should be for a 4 year old and her teachers say she follows directions very well.
I agree with your position about having a strong family bond to eliminate peer bonding but in our situation I am fearful of her future if she is so afraid of others that she can't speak to them. If I may ask, was your oldest daughter similar in her shyness to mine when she was small? I ask simply for reassurance that it does get better when they get older? Did you do anything to encourage her to overcome her shyness?
Lisa in Pennsylvania
PS - I love the peacefulness of my house since implementing a Rule and the ease of making decisions about what I should be doing at any given moment based on the 5 P's. Starting my day with a Rosary first and laundry second is a real blessing.
Lisa - all I can say is most of my children were 'shy' as little kids, and it is all part of being little,and I don't personally think there is reason to fear. As you note, sending your child to preschool is not helping her shyness - in fact, it may push her deeper into herself with fear, being forced to cope with something she is not ready for. Personally, I'd bring her home, but that's your decision.
Most of my kids are fine now - 3 are outgoing, two are reserved, and I let them be - in other words, I dont' worry about them. I figure there are a lot more things to worry about than a child who is comfortable with their family and shy-er around strangers. My opinion, obviously...
PS I am, glad your rule is helping you. That is wonderful news - thank you for sharing.
Holly, I'd like to comment if I could on the shyness issue. My oldest daughter was very shy also. Just like Lisa I enrolled her at age 3 in a two day a week preschool class because I thought that was the best way to help her "get over" her shyness. I had a bit of family pressure in regard to her "shy" personality, such as, "if you don't get her used to being away from you now, how will she ever deal with going away to college!" She was 9 months old when I heard that comment! Being a young, new mom I took their comments seriously and also tended to blame myself for my daughters "backward" behavior. As in Lisa's daughters case, my daughter was very reserved and uncomfortable around her Grandma and all strangers. At home however,she was a typical 3 year old who loved to laugh and be silly and play dress up and pretend and do all the things little 3 year olds are supposed to do. To me, she was fine, but my family's comments planted a seed of doubt in my mind. So, I did what I thought I was supposed to do and enrolled her for two years in preschool. She cried almost every day and my heart broke almost every day! Yet still I persisted, because her shyness hadn't disappeared. Somehow she still hadn't been "fixed!"
Long story short, my daughter is now a well adjusted 12 year old who remains very reserved around her peers, but who is in the top of her class and who knows herself very well. I am eternally grateful that my choices for her didn't "hurt" her terribly in the long run, but I absolutely regret going against my better judgment, caving into family pressure, and forcing her into a situation she wasn't ready for.
My advice is to go with what your heart tells you is true. I learned my lesson the hard way and I'm thankful I didn't do too much damage to my beautiful daughter. She is one of my greatest joys with a brillant mind, a thoughtful character and a quirky sense of humor. I should have simply enjoyed who she was without trying to make her into someone I thought she was supposed to be. God created her exactly as she was meant to be, with her own personality and her own rate of maturity and her own beautiful spirit.
God bless you.
Thank you Anon...
We have all grown up in a culture, since WWII, which stresses peer socialization. Well-meaning people try to get us and our children to be 'normal' instead of permitting us all to be who we are. If we step back, outside of our cultural milieu, we would find families living, growing and working together - not concerned about how many friends their children spend time with for how many hours,or whether they appear shy...
Perhaps we ought to look at the connection between our societal emphasis on peer socialization and parental absence v.s. the culture of death we presently live in and the personal ostricization many children go through, climaxing in alienation and even school shootings. These are desperate times - our love has grown cold. We need to take back love.
I have the opposite situation! I have a very outgoing and precocious 2 1/2 year old and am facing the "when will you start pre-school" question from family and friends.
We live in a neighborhood without other small children and our family has only one car. As a consequence, we only see other children at our church play group once a week for 45 minutes, or when we get together with cousins (about once a month). We host playdates from time to time, but since my husband needs the car for work, we can't go to playdates at others' houses.
I don't think my daughter needs preschool for "academic" reasons, but I have considered it for social ones. Family and friends often comment on how much she adores other children and how she will be a leader when she starts school.
I don't want to limit her potential, and I think other people think I'm missing an opportunity for her if I don't get her "out of the house" more, as they put it.
Is it possible that our "at home" lifestyle will hurt my daughter in any way?
I would just like to say to the original poster to keep in mind that NO peer socialization is leagues better than NEGATIVE peer socialization. Your child can easily overcome any (if there is any) negative things that may result in not having peer interactions, but it is much harder to undo the loss of innocence, the moral corruption and the disrespect for authority that often comes with so much peer interaction.
I wonder if I am the only mom out there who is not able to choose to homeschool or not send her children to school at a later age because she is not able to go against her husband's wishes to send the children to school at a "culturally acceptable" age.
My daugher (4 years old) began a pre-k program at our parish this fall. It is full time, and I was able to negotiate with the school to have her only go part-time, but this is still 21 hours a week. I want her home and would love to homeschool, but my hands are currently tied as I am the only one with the desire. I do see her aching to be home, although she does enjoy school. I do see both positive and negative influences on her in school. They must have spent 3 weeks on Halloween and ghosts and witches, and then didn't even take the kids to Mass on All Saints day because they would be tired from Halloween. (I'm not totally against Halloween here, but I am against it's tremendous overshadowing of All Saints Day in a Catholic school!)
So much to say, but you get my point. My hands are currently tied. My heart is aching. I am praying, but she must go to school now. Please someone tell me she is not being ruined by this. It is breaking my heart.
On top of having to hide all of this from her, I feel so stuck. If she were going into first grade, I think I could handle this. But she is so young. They are not allowed to be children, even in many Catholic schools! And I'm the one who seems like the crazy woman wanting to homeschool. This is so tough.
To the latter mother who has to send her child to school:
First of all, my heart goes out to you in your concern. A friend of mine is in a similar situation - her husband refuses to permit homeschooling - and she has placed her children firmly in the hands of the Blessed Mother. And I believe Mary will watch over them. Perhaps you too can consecrate your children to her Immaculate Heart.
That being said, I think you too may very well need to read "Hold On To Your Kids" because of the influences your daughter will receive at school, but also because the author understands the plight of families who need to have the parents away from the children in the day time (either thru such circumstances as yours, or thru parental employment) and he still gives ways to foster the parent-child bond over that of peers. I think he has a lot to offer you - to keep her bonded to you and thus immunized from the peer culture. Why don't you read it and get back to us?
Holly
My 4 yr old daughter has always been very very shy. I never pushed her like people said I should, into what she would consider an uncomfortable situation.... like being left with someone who she was not completely comfortable with. Now, however, I feel like she is at the point where she does need a little encouragement to be more social, and not petrified in new situations. So at 3 I signed her up for storytime at the library. I was shocked at how excited she was, and how eagerly she went, and didn't look back when I told her I'd be upstairs. So this year she is in a 2x a week preschool, and loves it and looks forward to it all week. She still is very shy and always will be reserved and cautious around new people/situations, but she does need to learn to interact with others. Now, if I had felt she wasn't ready to separate, or if she was at all upset about going, I would have pulled back and waited. But I think if I didn't start taking those "baby steps" she would just sink deeper into her shyness, and would end up crippled by it. She still has a long way to go, but with a little patience and a little encouragement I think she will go a long way.
RE: the mother who has to send her 4 yo to preschool...
Some other ideas to think about
Is there a cooperative preschool in your area? Generally the parents take turns co-teaching in the classroom and helping with planning, etc. This will give you the chance to be with her more and see what is happening in the classroom.
Maybe investigate other preschools in your area. There may be some that are striving to be more developmentally appropriate and are more focused on giving children play opportunities rather than structured "learning" time. They may also be more flexible with number of days/hours.
In my area (fairly rural)it is often these prescools that are more family friendly and allow kids to be kids, etc.
This is the mom who has to send her 4 year old to pre-k, just writing in to thank everyone for all the support and ideas. I am definitely looking forward to that book, Holly! And it was so nice to read the faith and trust of another mother in my situation. I do consecrate my family each morning to Our Lady and am able to stop in the Adoration Chapel each morning with my kids as we drop my daughter at school, so I place her with Jesus and Mary and ask them to take special care of her-so this is a tremendous blessing. There are also many non-catholic pre-k's that seem to be Montessori or oriented in that direction. I was so set on catholic that I wouldn't look into them. That may have been a mistake on my part.
This said, I have at least learned from this experience and was able to talk to my husband and ask him could we not send my son (now 2) to pre-k and just at least start in kindergarten. He said yes! And perhaps by then God will move his heart towards homeschooling, or help me to see His plan and strengthen my heart to be less stressed over all of this.
I really wish I had put more thought into all of this before last year, but you never think with the first child that there will be a time when they go to school!-and all of a sudden, it hits you in the face. Lessons learned. Praise God. I'm still waiting though from Him, for the "Parenting Handbook" to be published where I look up "schooling", "medical", what have you in the index and see what He would like me to do...I suppose I might be waiting awhile there.
Dear Lisa,
You wrote about having a daughter who appears extremely shy in social situations, while being more settled, even an entirely "different" child at home. I know a child like this. There seems to be a difference between people who have a moderate amount of reserve around others and those for whom social situations are so uncomfortable that they lose the ability to speak. It might be worth consulting a hospital with a good child psychiatry program, to see whether they believe that she has excessive anxiety in social situations. If so, they can recommend measures to help her. If not, you can be at ease. Good luck and God bless,
Anonymous
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