Help
With Your Rule
Teens: "Buying Into" the Rule...
Dear Holly,
I have just read your book. I decided to read the first couple chapters to the family to try to get some "buy in". Everyone loved the first chapter and the next. I finished reading it myself and have developed a basic starting version of the families rule. My biggest challenge will be to get my teenager (15 yrs) to follow it. If he doesn't then the younger children (10,7,3) take leads from him and stop doing things. I know I have parenting issues with my teenager which don't help. I go from being soft to hard. I need to find a middle ground but he tests me constantly. Any ideas on how to get a teenager to participate and/or a method of discipline for when he refuses?
Labels: 4th P Parent
posted by Holly at 9:01 AM
1 Comments:
First off, I'd still read appropriate sections of the rest of the book to your eldest - especially as you get to the chapter which deals with sloth and motivation.
Secondly - I think the very basic key way of dealing with teens is to a) attach a supernatural motive to their work and b) to make things reasonable, attaching responsibility to privledge, and c) involve them in the decision making process. What do I mean?
A) Supernatural motive - in reality, it is the thought that God loves us, that he is pleased with us, that he values us which makes us want to respond in love to him. A calling to mind regularly (in a loving way) of the many benefits the Lord has granted your son/family is necessary to begin to see all things with the eyes of faith - as a gift. Perhaps you could do this every night at family prayer or starting supper and have each child mention something they need to be grateful for... This in turn then, will inspire a desire to begin to return the kindness and love to God - and "to do all things, out of love for Him, because He asks it". Don't be afraid to teach your children this motto.
B) Attaching Responsibility to Privilege - chores are not something Mummy assigns. Remember that.
Chores are work the family needs to do to survive. St Paul in scripture says "If you don't work you don't eat." In other words - do your part.
As my children grow, when new duties come along, we sit them down and say "Hey! You are growing up now, and we think you are ready for this responsibility. But you are also ready for this corresponding privilege. With extra work or duty comes extra benefits." And so, if Grade 10 means taking over the laundry on the weekends, there would also be an extended bedtime, or a new computer privilege or whatever.
What we do here is thus provide a work ethic corresponding to reality - you get out of life what you put into it... spending follows earning... The fable of the ant and the grasshopper is a favorite around here...
So for your son - showing him the reasonableness of doing work in the home - for survival, as part of the family, and that his level of work will correspond to a higher level of privilege than his younger siblings - will help. He must have chores etc removed as something Mummy assigns.
C) Also, lastly, involve him. Have him sit down with you as you design your rule - get his input, his preferences, his advice about what the youngest ones can handle (in fact, when it comes to chore assignments, I have done this yearly as a group activity - the kids choose what they want to do, and then divide up what they don't want to do.) By involving him, and having his age and fresh perspective helping you, you will grow to appreciate him even more, see a new side of him, and that glow of pride on your face will inspire him to feel loved and valued by the family.
In the end, then, by writing down the chores and basic schedule, these things cease to be Mummy telling them, and something 'the chart says', which also aids in removing these things from the attitude of "Mummy's is at me" to something that simply must be done.
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