Help
With Your Rule
Accomodating Teens' Schedules???
Dear Holly
I am a stay at home mom, married 19 years. I have six children, ages 2 to 15. The older ones all attend Catholic school, with the two oldest going to a high school about 20 minutes away from here. How can I cope with the irregularity of their after school activities once school starts again in a month? Once school starts I will need to be available to drive the kids back and forth to their practices etc. after the school day is over. Do you recommend that I just work this time period into the rule? That's my only choice I guess. Only the 4 oldest ones are in this situation right now, but it does get complicated .
Labels: 4th P Parent, About a Rule of Life
posted by Holly at 4:37 AM
5 Comments:
What I am about to say may not be what most people would say - but then again, I have never been politically correct! :-)
In my circumstances here, my daughter is going to be going to school outside the home for the first time this year, in grade 10. She will be attending at her father's school 30 minutes away. In my opinion, she will have to limit her involvements to suit the common good of the family, especially when there is this distance involved.
I am wondering if you have thought of this?
Forgive me if some people think I seem hard or indifferent! I'm not. But I have always held that the desires of individuals are also tempered by the common good of the family in these situations. When we have 5 children in our family, we would do nothing but run all over the place if they all entered soccer or all had their own things to do. We have found that, for the good of the family as a whole, there had to be common priorities - the family had to be accounted for and it's calm and steady life together - and that the children's involvements had to work around this.
We live in such a funny time - when we think children need to be involved in everything in order to round out their education. There is nothing left for adulthood!
But most of the time, I see kids not spending much time at home, focusing instead on their social life and personal life. And if they are at home, they seem to be occupied by electonic media in one form or another. When exactly is there family time? talk time? prayer time? relax time? bonding time?
Relationship is fostered by presence.
For me, I have limited my daughter's involvement in school to basic after school hours before her father leaves to come home at 4:30. In light of our other family obligations and the distance involved, this seems pretty reasonable.
So I am wondering if you ought not to look at a restrcition of involvement for your teens, despite that it might be going against the trend.
It might help you to know that 'teenagerism' is a new construct invented since World War II and that this phenomena of teens living a very active life outside and to the exclusion of the family has no historical precedent. Never before in history have parents spent their time catering to specifically teen involvements as we see today. And now we have the new invention of the 'tween' - a new market for business.
So, personally, I question the validity of mom and dad's presence being used to drive non-drivers to events to excess. What happens to the famly life of those who must stay at home most nights without both parents? Where is mummy or daddy for the little ones when evening comes? Mummy and daddy are not with the teens anyway, but sitting on a bench or waiting in the car... is this a life?
Now! There! I have spoken my mind.
If you still consider many involvements the norm for your family then, yes - simply put, you will have to schedule your hours of availability for this in the evenings. :-)
I appreciate your frankness! I couldn't agree more with the over-scheduling problem for kids today. We do limit our kids to one outside activity at a time and strongly encourage them (taking into account their own personalities and talents) to choose activities that are family friendly, i.e. the children can participate together. I think what had me concerned when I asked my question was the switch from grade school to high school athletics and all that entails.
The sport in question is cross country, so our grade school meets are inclusive of all the age groups and we have always gone to the meets and practices as a family. It's just that my daughter is now moving on to the high school level.
As it turns out, I will be able to carpool with another family that lives very close by for retrieving her from after school practices (which are daily during the season), so it won't be as much of a drain as I thought.
We know many families (smaller ones) where the kids are involved in travel teams for different sports every season and they do essentially live out of their cars. And they say to me "I don't know how you manage with so many kids!" Well, we make choices! I can't (and won't) give up having dinner together every night as a family even if it does get pushed back a little later.
I guess as we move on to our children getting older, these choices are going to be tougher too. And having a larger family just complicates thse choices. I have been saying for years that parents (moms most especially) have become like the plate spinners that used to be on the Ed Sullivan show years ago (sorry if I am dating myself!). We see how many plates we can spin at one time without having them all come crashing down on our heads. That's no way to live.
Thanks for your comments-they will be helpful as I work all of this out.
Wonderful! I am glad you limit things to family-friendly activities. I think too, as I look at it, I say to my teen - "Look, in three years you are done school and you can do whatever you want with that new second-hand car you are going to buy!" I am not of the opinion that nothing can be learned from scratch after the age of 18. I think instead, real living can begin then!
Your car pooling thing seems to solve a real problem too! That is a great idea!
God Bless
Holly
God bless you! It seems around here that no one is willing to cry "uncle" and call a halt to the endless activities that every kid must engage in if they are to be enriched, well rounded and successful.
I, too, believe in family time. It is in short supply in this era, but I believe it is something that passes too quickly for our children. I suspect they won't care if they missed out on a sport or club nearly as much as they'll care about missing that fleeting and precious time with their family! I agree with Holly--some things can wait until you're on your own at 18.
I am presently reading a book called "Ready or Not, Here Life Comes" by Dr Mel Levine. He mentioned that the teen culture of high school - where one goes to school and can select any course they want; where one does little but hang out with friends and spend "provided spending-money"; and the smorgasborg of after school activities to choose from - that none of this reflects the limited options of real life, and thus it does NOT prepare kids at all. Instead, he says it reduces actual living and working skills, as well as disillusion them once the DO get out into the workplace. Food for thought...
Holly
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