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With Your Rule
A Mother's Rule Unrealistic?
Dear Holly,
None of my friends follow a rule - they say it is unrealistic. What do you say?
Labels: About a Rule of Life
posted by Holly at 9:38 AM
18 Comments:
I too have heard some people dismiss a mother's rule - for many reasons - and I have heard it is unrealistic too. I think we need to look at motives when someone dismisses a tool which is almost miraculous in it's effectiveness.
Some people don't take their vocation seriously. Or they don't want a schedule. Or they seem to be doing just fine in the organization department. And for all of these reasons and more, a rule is dismissed.
But I have to remind all of us - a rule of life is not just an organzational tool, altho it certainly can help in this area. It is a means to answer the call of God in a very faithful and conscious way. A rule is a traditional tool used when one desires to seek perfection - and by that I mean, getting closer to God.
A rule ensures a conscious working out of one's vocation BECAUSE God asks it of us. And a rule supernaturalizes the mundane in our lives. A rule aids us in becoming a saint.
For those who scoff at a mother's rule, they also scoff at the tradition of the church, St Benedict and his efforts, and all the saints, religious and lay persons throught the history of the Catholic Church who have followed a rule for the purpose of greater fidelity to God and to their vocation, out of love for Him.
I have never understood how people can be so indifferent to God in their lives. They hear the word and yet it falls choked to the ground. So too, I guess people can be indifferent to a Mother's Rule as well - and dismiss it as well.
A mother's rule does nothing but focus one's heart AND activity upon: God, one's health, one's husband. one's children and one's home and other responsibilities. What could possibly be unrealistic about that? :-)
In fact, since God always provides the grace for us to fulfill his requests, a Mother's Rule of Life seems to be a particular blessing from God for our time in history (given the anti-mother propaganda out there) as well as for our unique families.
Let your friends say what they want. For you, set your heart upon the Lord and what He asks of you. Many are called, few are chosen.
Amen, Holly. Thanks for reminding us that MROL goes beyond an 'organizational tool'. I've heard it being compared to Fly Lady before but it really is quite different. My understanding is that in Fly Lady and other organizational type programs you have someone telling you what to do each step of the way. While MROL has us looking to God and our life and setting our own goals based on priorities. It is a grace filled approach that touches every single area of your life.
I think that we must let God lead us in our individual lives and we must discern for ourselves what sort of path God wants us to follow to meet Him. I am not totally convinced that all are called to follow a rule in this way, but perhaps in another manner. Is our work to be attentive to our children and husband-and don't we all agree on that? And isn't this notion paramount regardless of how we decide to do it, as long as we walk with the Lord in this decision?
I would suggest that there are seasons in our life when we must survive on the most basic outlining of our day because we have endless moments where we are called beyond our housework and less personal duties and these seasons can be very long!
Would it not be appropriate to have a "Rule" that promises to God to be attentive to each and every moment that is asked of us from our children, from our husbands, from our neighbors knocking at the door? And that this should be primary?-to truly focus on those moments, those people within those moments, as if they were Christ? And then to move through the rest of the day in our duty-scheduled specifically or not, while paying attention to when our bodies and minds need rest and recollection and also then recognizing that God may be calling us to be Mary at that moment rather than Martha?
I pray that there is the beauty. To sacrifice our lives as wives and mothers and neighbors, to lay down our lives for all who call upon us-at least in the moment, and then to wait for God to show us what He wants of us in that moment. And that this is paramount. The order of the home, the exact time of prayer, this needs to be correctly focused on as secondary to our relationships with the people in our day.
I think this is where the Rule becomes an obstacle, in the mindframe of what a rule is. I think that Holly is clear in directing us to God for our own personal search.
Doesn't Jesus Himself tell us that the first will be last and the last will be first? So, the best way to nourish ourselves in the spiritual life is to put ourselves last-and it is there that we will find the graces overflowing to others-it is there, in those moments that we fill ourselves, within this sacrifice of our own person to God through our service to our families and others.
I have found that I cannot live a rule written with any sort of set out details. The pressure that my personality creates in that is overbearing and unhealthy. I am coming to learn that I must focus on each person in my life first and work through the rest of the day when I can, all in a loving, patient, slow, and unpressured way with a constant recollection of Who this is all for and a constant dialog with the One who knows me so intimately. And I'm not ashamed to admit that I might be so weak that God allows this of me because it is in this lifestyle I can bring the most peace to my family.
I think it is important for the last writer to note that , the season of 'the most basic outlining of our days' is in fact what my rule is (despite it seeming more detailed in MROL). And you actually speak of the heart-attentiveness to God's WIll which - really - is the heart of a rule. You yourself speak here of a basic practical and spiritual rule - altho I sense your issue is a problematic struggle with perfectionism, which is leading you to legitimately remove yourself from charts and written schedules, and which is a different issue than having a rule itself.
I liked your note about a person's maturity level and circumstances for I think this counts. There are many legitimate reasons I suppose to not have a rule - it is not a moral requirement - but there is a difference when someone dismisses the notion of a rule or scoffs at it (not saying you did this).
Yes - I too had heard about a rule many times before I wrote mine, but I wasn't ready to follow one. And now, after 6+ years, I follow my rule in a much less structured way because I am in the habit of doing my duties. I am more free now to attend to the relationships in my life. But I owe this to the training tool of the practical schedule and conscious adoption of my rule's spiritual attitudes for many years.
I think also that one has to constantly remind oneself that a schedule is not the same things as a rule. A rule can be merely a commitment to certain prayer times or practices. It is the heart of the rule - attentiveness to one's vocation because God asks it of us, out of love for him, which is most important. If one's responsibilities are indeed being fulfilled, and this is being done in a spirit of fidelity to one's vocation, then an inherent rule is being lived.
But for those who cannot even get breakfast on the table or whose home is always in a shambles or who never find time to pray - when life is so scattered that the vocation is being neglected - these are the moms who most need to focus, at least initially, on a 'schedule' in order to train their hearts AND habits, to attend to the responsibilities of their vocation.
And I have to say, most moms who are committed have a brief schedule anyway - in that usually meals and bedtimes and hopefully prayertimes are established anyway. And remember, a rule deals with essentials, not every perfectionist detail...
I always liked focusing on 'chunks' of time, which was very realistic - in that there was morning chores & breakfast, morning activities, lunch & chores, afternoon activities, supper & chores and evening activities - and what I did in each time slot varied, but was thought out and planned as much as was needed. So , even chunking time slots (approximately) in one's day can be a way to fulfill one's duties. Again - remember that the practical applications of a rule are TOOLS to help us live the hearts. In a garden, I use different tools depending on the task that needs to be done...
In addition, a rule can be as detailed or as brief as one 'needs' according to one's circumstances. I think that where many people get hung up is on the 'written schedule' or the 'written chore charts' - and for me, I found (when I first began) that to write things on a piece of paper (since I was dealing with changing my whole life and lifestyle) got all that detail and confusion out of my head, freed my mind, and the internal freedom to just live every moment consciously , without a thousand worries, was a complete relief. We still have something written on the wall, but it is mostly now for the kids to refer to.
Most of what we do now is habitual. (And sometimes, if I find myself in a spot feeling semi-overwhelmed, I will go to the chart and say "Hhmmm - what am I forgetting?" and will inevitably discover a key chore I have left out for a couple of weeks which has thrown me off. So my written chore charts are still very helpful, even if I don't refer to them everyday now.)
The heart of a rule is to do God's Will in our circumstances. A rule assists in this, even if one adopts only the spiritual attitudes (assuming one's practical duties are indeeed being fulfilled - for it would be easy to say "I am attentive to my vocation" and then be slothful in our daily duty). It is important for us that , when we cry "Lord, Lord" we are indeed living the relationship we speak with our lips. Only each mom in her heart can determine if this is happening.
And while none of this has much to do with a little piece of paper stuck on a kitchen wall, a written rule is a form of commitment and conscious training for us, again... like phonics training.
Remember - when we read, we seek meaning, but all the decoding skills of the phonics lessons are still being done subconsciously. We can reach the heart of intimacy with God and family, but if we begin to stop doing our chores (just like if we stopped decoding our words), then there is somehting wrong - both are necessary, and so while love is more important, our other practical duties ought to be being covered. There are both practical and spiritual elelments in a rule.
No matter what, we must realize that St Benedict, most religious orders and many lay persons throughout the history of the church have had a rule 'for the purpose' of seeking Christian perfection in their vocations. Wrapping our minds around what a rule truly is, including the spiritual element, is important.
Oh, and one last comment - I think we need to put our "selfish preferences" last - but our personal health and basic attentiveness to our personal needs must come a lot sooner than that! Too many moms put themselves last 'in the wrong way' and end up collapsing from exhaustion - this is not serving our families.
For me, I prefer a different focus, because thinking too much of myself causes a negative interiority. I don't usually walk around putting myself last consciously. I try instead to attend to the work the Lord has in mind for me moment to moment. What does God want from me right now? Then that is my focus.
I agree with the writer who wants to be attentive to the people passing through her day who may need her right then. Absolutely, we need to not be so "busy" with our routines and schedules that we can't stop everything to perform a corporal work of mercy if needed!
But I think many women, myself included!, are too easily distracted from what MUST be done (prayer or even laundry) by things that we want to do (chatting with a friend or taking the kids to the park). With a Rule, we remind ourselves of our duties to God and to our family, we make sure that the proper balance to each priority is applied, and we avoid sloth!
Well said MIchelle.
Holly
It's me again, the earlier anonymous poster. Seems something miraculous has happened since I posted and read Holly's response.
I have been battling a rule since I got the book. I was at probably the umpteenth point of throwing in the towel and hiding the book for good. But the darn thing never left me alone. So, I got out my desperation on paper (web paper), and almost overnight, had the strong desire to embrace it as a calling. This all on the feast day of St. Martha, my patron saint, and to confirm, the Mass readings this weekend were the loaves and the fishes (fish?)! Wow!
BUT, what Holly's post raised in my heart was that I needed to give myself a year focused on personal healing. So I drew up a plan for that, a "rule" for that, and what do you know, found the strength (and desire) to outline a rule, and even to follow through monday and today on household duties.
And all these moments that made me so fearful that I couldn't have a rule are becoming moments of small sacrifice that I am starting to calmly embrace. My rule, by the way, this time around, is far more realistic-I took into account that I am not a morning person, so I need "warm up" time to some extent. It also is very basic-like I put in "WORK", instead of something specific, but have also picked a chore or two for the day to focus on on top of the normal daily stuff...like yesterday was laundry and ironing.
And today I had vaccuum and dust ...and I was at the point of being ready to offer up that I'd hardly get any of the vaccuuming done, when all of a sudden, the kids starting entertaining themselves and I finished all but a bit!-so, the miracle!
Now granted, this is two days...but please pray for me!-I am doing a progression type schedule too, which allows me to not get so hung up on not hitting my times (I do have a perfectionist issue and that was blocking me). But I am using a timer and assessing when it buzzes how I can appropriately proceed. The prayer is getting done-kids are being focused on...I'm thrilled...God is granting me extraordinary graces, no doubt, right now...but I want to encourage anyone who felt ready to give up to try just one more time and try to really discern what to focus on first. Like for me, deciding to focus on my emotional/spiritual just naturally allowed me to spill the determination over to the household duties, etc.
I'm just so thankful and thanks for the extra push, Holly!
Praise God, Praise God, Praise God!!!!!
I can hear in the tone of your response my earliest days on the rule - the trepidation, the tentative hope, the attentiveness to my selfish whims and also to my desire for order, my amazement in my progress, my new found awareness of the sacrifice and my grace-filled moments in accepting small crosses - and the hope, hope hope!
You can do it! God is with you! Praise the Lord - you are on your way and don't look back! :-) Thank you for sharing this - I will specially pray for you!
Holly
It's Anonymous again:). I have a basic question, but one that I do have trouble with. I am a "yes" person by nature and have much difficulty telling people when something they request is inappropriate for me, so I take the easy, lazy, worst way out and give in to others whims (it's no wonder, since I have always given in to my own) and lose all mention of peace over it afterward, towards everyone in my family.
So, in light of these new graces of determination for a rule, which, thank the Lord, is still fully in my heart!....oh such a basic, silly question, but I have to ask...
Do you think it is rude to sort of stand at the doorway or behind a screen door and talk to a "pop-over" visitor in order to determine the necessity of the visit? (rather than invite them in right away, that is.)
I find that I need a barrier of sorts to built up courage to be honest. For instance, I won't always answer the phone when I know that it isn't a good time, I'll let the person leave a message and then call back, so I can prepare myself a bit to be honest. I hate to admit, but honesty in this instance does not come naturally, I tend to just give in. I know clearly this is something the Lord has me working on, but boy is it hard for me. People tell me, just answer the door, answer the phone. It's terribly hard for me though.
Can you tell, I had an impromptu visitor at my door this week (ALWAYS the same one when I attempt a rule, ALWAYS!-I would almost say I can expect it when I start the rule). This time, my son was napping and my daughter was sick, so I felt it was ok to not answer the door (the answering of the door always wakes him up from a nap, the house is small enough for that, even with white noise and a fan!)...and it was my first week, I just couldn't handle it and it's beating me up inside. This visitor tends to ask for lots of my time in chit chat.
So, the experience tore me up a bit. I had guilt, I didn't know whether I was following God or not, considering she always shows up like that. But in the past, I've had many negative experiences when I've invited her in, due to my lack of courage and her desire to stay at all costs! I'm not sure if she's aware of it though, although I've tried at times to gently tell her that I can't always answer as I'm nursing or what have you, but perhaps I haven't really been clear because I'm afraid to hurt her feelings. But I think that's rooted in a hidden pride on my part to be everyone's "saviour". Oh, so much to work on inside.
My point is, I'm trying to discern what to do upon the next visit, when my son is not napping, or what ever the case may be. When I know I must answer, can I stand behind the screen door?-oh how silly...
I do want to say that this time around, since I was following my rule and I hadn't allowed myself any phone conversations, any computer time..only rule and family time in trying to really get started properly, I was able to grab some peace from the decision as I had something to back it up against in my mind.
I always pray when I start the rule for the Lord to please let me have a good week or two so that I can feel confident enough in my rule to determine these types of situations, but alas, it never happens, so His Will must be otherwise and I hate to admit that I cringe at the thought! I know He is molding me, I just still can't figure it out in this scenario. I am a terrible people-pleaser. It is quite a suffering at times, my own worst enemy with all the guilt and confusion.
Thanks and God Bless.
Hi Anonymous! :-)
Firstly, about that computer time!! PLEASE put your computer time in your rule! It is part of your way to relax and hence part of your second P. And! If you don't, on a day when you are feeling pretty weak, you will blow your rule out of the water with a computer blitzkrieg... Allow yourself the legitimate pleasures as a motivator - just like a coffee break - it helps you get thru the next chunk of time, and provides balance and relax in the middle of other duties, as well as probably provides you with some other-mom-community online.
Now! About your other dilemma! Despite my choleric/melancholic temperament, I too have experienced exactly the same uncomfortableness. No one likes to feel rude, nor unwelcoming. I don't think you are alone.
For me, I have had to enlighten other regular people in my life to my basic school-time schedule, and I did this 'outside' of a time they came to visit. ie: I would call them or visit them. Afte sharing my new rule, I would tell them when it was a good time TO visit. I think that your vocation does come first, and it is not uncharitable to tell someone they can't visit (altho, as a friend of mine once said, she 'judges' the need of the person calling/visiting before saying yes or no... ) However, for people who have a hard time saying yes or no, there are other non-confrontational ways to deal with it. It might be better for you to be proactive here -
a) let her know your new schedule and then tell her that after 3pm or whatever, or after supper (when hubby is home) would be better for any visits (unless there was an emergency or a short reason for coming)
b) when she does pop in unexpectedly on a weekend or something, you can say "OK - I have only about (5) 10 minutes! But I can chat for (5) 10!" And then invite her in to the kitchen, offer a glass of water and stand there! Don't sit. Thus, unless there is a real personal emergency, you can glance at your watch and say "Thanks so much for visiting! I have to get back to work now!" As you walk toward the door...
c) If she then shows up when you have made clear you are not available, you can go to the door when the bell rings, open it and stand in the opening. I do this if I have to...
It is not rude, it is not neglecting her - you can be truly present to her, but not walked over.
If she says "Can I come in?" - I would have to stop, muster courage and say , "Well... remember what I talked to you about? I am tied up right now... "
Your main issue is not being able to say no, really. And that makes it all so difficult, I know. But I think that you need to know that your vocational daily duties are valid reasons to not engage in idle chit-chat. As my friend Jenn says, if the woman came in real need, that's one thing. But when it is merely to pass the time when I have other responsibilities, then, just as in an employment situation, I cannot be expected to 'visit'. I wonder how much of this stems from the societal notion that a housewife's work is really not that important - for I don't think your neighbour would be popping into your place of employment randomly!
Also, I would be talking to your husband about this too. He is a local source of support for you. Other than that - search your heart. Is your vocation important enough to stick up for your attentiveness to it? And if it is, then the mortification of practicing to defend your decision to attend to your rule is something you can offer up. But I still say, the proactive way is the best way.
Oh, thank you. This is so good. I'm going to pray for courage to be proactive here. I am not surprised that this constantly comes up as I know God wants us practicing these skills For as many opportunities as I've had with this issue, I still haven't done anything but the same thing I always do! Perhaps this might stop if I would just give Him my efforts in honesty-and I like the notion of it being a mortification to offer up to muster up the words to say-that thought helps me too, because even the thought of saying all this feels like mortification. -Something I can give Him and then wait for the reward, either in my own strength, or in the ending/lessening of the pop-overs!
Thanks so much again and God Bless.
JMJ
I have posted before and even had my honeymoon periods with the rule or any kind of approach that is meant to keep me focused and my family well cared for.
I can't say, though I am a practicing Catholic, that I ask for much help from God. I run a homeschool group and chase 4 children under 9 and I am still in constant battle with self loathing. as hard as it is to admit, I really can't stand myself or the constant noise in my head. I keep failing.
Reading this thread I am reminded that it is a no brainer really, and I haven't asked for much help or trusted that it was there. Obviously, feeling terrible about where I am in my life and ignoring my responsibilities works for me at some insane level.
I needed to see this dialogue between you and Anonymous. I am happy she has found some clarity. I will ask for some of my own.
Hope
St Teresa of Avila used to be perplexed about Christians who didn't pray - she said something like :
"Why would they do that? Unless they just want to make life harder on themselves by trying to do it all thru their own effort !!!" :-)
"My yoke is easy, my burden light", said Jesus. Take him up on it! :-)
Holly
On reflection, I know I do pray, but it is for others not for myself. I dont' ask for things...strange huh? I wonder how many of us have this probelem? I have been going at my week with this really no brainer kind fo shift in thought process and it is stunning how much we have accomplished and with what a different mindset that it has been accomplished.
A friend of mine used to pride himself on never praying for his own needs - always only for others. I later read that this is a form of pride - where we do not believe we truly need God. So , yes, pray for yourself!!! Even Jesus prayed for himself in the Garden of Gethsemane - when what HE had to do was overwhelming him...
:-)
I can see that...it could be pride--though I think it is that ignoring myself is a measure of how I value myself...make sense?
At Mass, particularly low times, I have such a struggle with "Lamb of God you take away the sins of the world have mercy on us,Lamb of God you take away the sins of the world have mercy on us,Lamb of God you take away the sins of the world grant us peace...if I am not balling by that time, "I am not worthy to recieve, but only say the word and I shall be healed." will do it...I have a terrible time with believing I am worthy. I really need to find a spiritual director...I know that some part of me is really sure it shouldn't be this hard on my heart.
Perhaps you might find the little book "Born Only Once" helpful. It's by Dr Conrad Baars and is only $6 US funds on Amazon.com
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