Help
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Motivating Our Spouses
Dear Holly,
My question pertains to husbands and chores/projects around the house. My husband is wonderful in many ways, however - an area of weakness is procrastination. He talks a bit about things he would like to do (big projects like adding a bathroom to our house) or just minor ones (like fixing a screen on the porch) but to see it actually get done is another matter. I find myself steaming up inside trying not to allow my feelings to become passive aggressive remarks. I have discussed this tendency with him and he listens but often jokes about his procrastinating ways and makes flippant remarks putting himself down. I have tried honey do lists and even trying to pin down a date to get something done. Am I expecting too much? To be honest, when I pray about this problem I often find myself thinking about my husband's relationship with his father (who has died) and how he was not really a hands on dad. But then I find myself in thinking unkind thoughts about my in-laws that grow and grow. I am so afraid that my husband will always be this way! Nothing will ever get done. Any comments/advice will be greatly appreciated
Labels: 3rd P Partner
posted by Holly at 8:54 AM
4 Comments:
Very important question which I am sure many wives will relate to! I personally relate to it too, so I will share with you my viewpoint after 16 years of marriage.
I have come to understand that my husband wants to 'do things' around the house as much as I do - and hence why we can get into nice long discussions about future projects.
But like me, my husband holds down a full time day job. In the evening, I find myself tired after a whole day of homeschooling/cleaning/cooking/ etc etc etc - and so does my husband. I have come to realize over the years that I cannot expect my husband to be superman... that he too needs daily downtime, and that he cannot do everything.
He cannot come home from work and be expected to put in another 4 hours of work - and he cannot do this without consequences - on his prayerlife, his relationship with wife and spouse... I figure - do I want Philip attentive to me or to a bathroom?
And secondly, as Philip is home in the summers because of his teaching position, he DOES attempt to get some things done - but they invariably take way longer than either of us expected, and so our To-Do list usually remains long! We have had to learn to be grateful for what we CAN accomplish.
So , for me, the issue became - Yes, we want the work done- BUT since we are not capable of doing it all ourselves, how can we save up the money to have it done for us? This leads to prioritizing and goal-setting and money planning - to finally get done what we need.
So - I guess what I am saying is that - while we can all dream, there is a real limitation to our energies, and if we have children, can we really expect ourselves or our husband to spend the evenings working on top of our full-time day jobs? Oh sure - perhaps sometimes, but not necessarily as a norm.
I would suggest that your husband jokes about his procrastination AND puts himself down because HE TOO FEELS HE IS FAILING YOU. He sees these types of additions etc as his 'provider role' and when he can't get to them - he feels pressured; he feels he is failing as a husband and father; it nags away at him; and if he senses your disappointment, the guilt almost crushes him. I know this because Philip has experienced it too. And in the end, he can't do the work because of the emotional baggage attached and may 'practically' avoid it like the plague.
I believe that the greatest favor I can do for myself (to remove resentment) and for my husband (to remove pressure) is to stop looking at ALL the work around the home as something we can do by ourselves when we both already have full-time jobs.
Do I have the time and energy to fix the screens myself? If yes, then I schedule it in. If no, then I ask Philip. If he can do it, I hand him the material right then and there OR I put a little note on his bedtable and WAIT. If he says he can't, then I start looking at ways that the money we earn can be spent on the required services to improve our home , instead of perhaps wasting it on things which truly mean less to us.
In all honesty, then, I see this as the only solution... look for other ways to accomplish your goals - AND encourage your husband to remove the WHOLE burden from his own shoulders.
What about when your husband doesn't like to help out with day to day stuff? Currently, we both work outside the home (that's about to change though) so we're both very tired when we get home at night. I've tried to make Saturday mornings our time to catch up on housecleaning and laundry. Sometimes he's thoroughly helpful and other times he gets mad at me for wanting to pick up the toys and clothes that have been strewn about the house for days! He and I are both really bad about putting stuff away at the time we use it...I've tried to get better about it and so has he, but I think that I think about it more than he does...I can spend two hours cleaning our kitchen (it's been piling up during the previous week) and half an hour later he'll get a snack and I'll find cheese wrappers and utensils on the counter! Another big problem is getting the garbage out to the curb (never mind out of the house!) He just lets it pile up in the garage for a month or two before taking it to the dump station down the road from us. If he would just take the garbage to the curb every Thursday night, we wouldn't have to worry about it! I love my husband dearly and he's much more helpful and conscientious than he used to be, but how do we continue to move forward?
I totally agree with Holly for getting things done around the house.My parish bulletin helped me to find a 'handyman' who is also a parishoner and I have had wonderful conversations with his wife (she schedules all of his jobs).I would recommend to anonymous to check-out www.flylady.net Its a site that helps you establish routines for housework and the like.You may not be able to use all her hints but many of the tips she gives have helped me.
How to get hubby to help around the house daily or weekly? Good question and your husband's little activities in the kitchen sound just like Philip and made me chuckle! :-)
I did a number of things on this issue.
First off - I determined which chores I wanted done ABSOLUTELY and I took the majority of those on myself. I also divided some of these MUST chores up among the children. That way, I wasn't dependant upon my husband to do chores I truly felt HAD to be done daily or weekly.
Secondly, Philip and I, early in our marriage, divided up chores. I would suggest you sit down and talk with your husband about this too - what chores can he take - willingly - which he can do 'on his own time'. They ought to be chores that 'can wait' or that are particularly something he prefers. So - Philip took on all the outside lawn etc, and I don't ever give it a thought. If I REALLY cared, then I would take on that chore myself.
Thirdly, give him a choice. So - I remember going to Philip and saying somethign like: OK Hon! Thre is your lunch to make in the evening, and there is a baby to bath,and I can't do both withyou sittingher relaxing! Which one would you prefer to do every night after supper? And I let him choose. He chose the baby & toddler baths and I was content! But I didn't do this on ALL chores - just those chores which I truly felt I couldn't do all of them...
A good discussion with your husband is necessary , but not so he will do what you want him to do. You simply need to split the labor and then let him be responsible for his chores. You are not a policewoman, after all, and you would hate being policed by him too! Do yourself what needs to be done daily to get the pressure of him doing it for you off your back and his. Enlist your children's help and let Daddy take care of Daddy-specific things.
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