Help
With Your Rule
Boys Will be Boys?
Dear Holly,
Thank you for your book. I struggled along wondering how to fill in my days until I read your book and realized that I needed to embrace my vocation and fill in my days with a routine and a structure. It seems so obvious...but, not being raised that way, it was new to me. It's been a real blessing in my life.
I have a 5yr old girl, a 4 yr old boy, a 2yr old girl and one expected to arrive next month. I'm spending so much time and energy in my day disciplining my son and it's really wearing me down. I've never had these kinds of problems with my girls. I am interrupted in any task I may be doing every 5 min usually because he is starting fights with one of the girls. It's almost always something that's 'boyish', like just being too rough and throwing things or breaking things for play (not to be mean) or goofing around instead of doing what he's told. They all like to play together but seem to be unable to do so without my constant supervision and involvement. Should I accept at this time that he needs this level of my attention and work that into my rule? Or do have any suggestions on what to do with my son? Maybe I'm just not used to boyish behavior. Any suggestions or book recommendations would be very much appreciated.
Labels: 4th P Parent
posted by Holly at 2:13 PM
9 Comments:
The reality is, boys and girls are different, despite what modern radical feminism has tried to tell us. I found my boys much more challenging than my girls because the boys were 'different' than me!
The girls hovered around me and would sit quietly wherever I was and play in a defined little space, but my boys both wanted to go out and explore the big wide world, and had I opened the door and said "You are free" I probably never would have seen them again as they traversed the fields of opportunity. No bookshelf was safe, nor any cat. I never used locks and gates until I had a boy!
I have always called mothers of just boys "special" :-)
So , I think there are a number of factors here you need to consider to work with your boy.
1. You are the mother of very small children and at this time in your life, supervision is a main full-time job. This is a reality for the young family and, boy or girl, you won't get away from that, so yes, consider this an essential element of your rule - spending time and being present and interaction and supervision.
2. Your boy has his own modus operandi - I have heard that a good book to read is "Wild at Heart" about how boys need to be raised. Dr Philip Mango (you could check internet) also has some stuff about specifically male stuff - it might give you insight. So will discussing your son's behavior with your husband so you get the male perspective.
3. I would also look at other things, like what situations might provoke fighting and go with the standard "Divide and Conquer" thing... schedule in separate time for the children (too much of a good thing like siblings around EVERY moment of the day can get on anyboody's nerves) - give them each space and personal time;
4. Also - alternate activities - a rowdy one first, a quiet one next, a snack next, a video next... set a routine so that there are things to look forward to, and a routine to follow and this tends to eliminate bickering as they are occupied with other things. It is the variety and the routine which will help bring more order and calm to the household - and I bet within 3 days...
5. Re-read the parenting section in MROL about discipline and parenting skills and meditate on it. There are some key principles in there which will help you.
Readers? Any words of wisdom?
I am a mother of three boys, ages 8, 10 and 11.
During those tough but wonder-filled early years, I learned that boys need all of you for all of their waking hours until the age of about 4. Their play is physical...i.e. running, throwing, moving. And their favorite playmate is their mother or father. Other kids are great as long as they do exactly as they are asked...which of course doesn't happen.
From about 7 am until 7:30 pm, the mother of boys is "on". I had to learn to put their needs first above any of my home duties. Meeting their needs became my full time job, almost like a nursery school. All of the other necessary jobs of the home had to be done on the fly. I often included the kids in small ways in the daily routines such as laundry, dishes, meal making etc. To this day they enjoy helping to prepare meals, set the table, chop, clean, organize, sort, etc.
I learned that this time spent on teaching them how to play nicely and help with chores, became the most important investment into their character.
I learned that I had to plan an outdoor time at least once a day...for my sanity as well as theirs.
I learned to ask God for His wisdom and strength to keep up with them. I learned a valuable lesson about the patience that God takes with His children. Many lessons were learned as I submitted more and more to God's will.
I learned to schedule in one evening a week for me. I enjoyed a decaf latte while reading of far away places and sipping on a decaf latte at the bookstore.
I learned to network with other moms and to plan get-togethers so that we could share some stories and laugh and cry together as the kids played. The hostess sometimes even had a chance to get some laundry or cooking done while the other kept an eye on the kids at play. In good weather we'd plan an outing to the park, pack snacks and just enjoy being outdoors.
I learned that the only thing I could truly organize were the hours before they woke up and after they went to bed. Flexibility within boundaries is key. My boundaries had to do with meal times, play times, nap times, bed times, kindness and peace. There would be no yelling, hitting, throwing, hurting, name calling. There would definitely be consequences and I had to be disciplined to carry them out. Being involved from the beginning helped to keep the situation from going from bad to worse. Being proactive is better than reactive in the case of discipline.
I learned to play.
I learned to rest when they did.
I learned to let go of my "perfectionist" attitude towards housekeeping.
My husband learned to not say anything about the dishes left in the sink since breakfast.
My husband learned about his valuable role as the father of his boys.
I took vitamins to keep up with the boys' activity.
Outdoors was big. We learned that you didn't have to have expensive toys...balls and sticks would do. Bugs were free and climbing was also one of their favorite activities. Stories and movies were a hit for all....but not shopping...at least not with three of them at the same time. They'd leave me in the dust as they played tag with each other.
There are so many wonderful things about boys. They just want to play and it's all about "them" for the first several years...but eventually they grow up, become more independent than you would have dreamed was possible and turn into these wonderfully balanced and kind individuals who surprise you with their wisdom and love.
They are a joy to raise. Truly.
Remember this most of all:
Just love them. In searching for the way to love them best, you too will find what works for your whole family. Love does always find a way.
Maria
Thank you Maria
You are so obviously one of those 'special' moms!
:-)
Like Maria, I am the mother of 3 boys (14, 8 and 6-1/2) and I completely agree w/everything that she said. My youngest, especially, has been a challenge b/c he is extremely stubborn & strong willed which was super duper hard to deal with being that he is so close to our middle son in age. Enjoy the fun & craziness now b/c as they get older, and when they are really alot older, we will miss the noise & the chaos (or so "they" tell me ~ lol). Oh, and we are expecting our first girl in May so that will be my REAL "test" of parenting! God bless your family!
such wise words...as a mother of a rambunctious and passionate two and a half year old with a 8 month old sister, I am trying to figure out how to "be there", keep everyone safe and happy AND keep the house from looking like a natural disater has struck. I feel relieved to know that it's ok to have to focus so much attention on him to keep things running smoothly. thanks!
Dr. James Dobson from 'Focus on the Family' has some wonderful books such as "Bringing up Boys", "The New Dare to Disipline" and "The New Strong Willed Child". The 'New' refers to it being an updated edition. They are great books set with christian beliefs.
I would suggest even more Maria Montessori materials, as I find the corporal punishment aspect of James Dobson a bit extreme as a normal type of consequence, as there are many many other consequence-based natural results to behavior.
I have 6 children, but for this topic 2 middle boys 7 and 9. I found that when they are little, they need the outdoors like I need to breathe! Even sitting at the front storm door was enough in the winter. Boys have a great need to conquer. This is God given and it means that when they are men they will provide for and defend their families. Talk openly about conquering. Channel it. For small ones tickle sessions 2 times a day (if they enjoy that) is really helpful and bonding. At about 5 they need more physical conquering. A family that I knew had a pile of rocks. When they were wanting for physical release and an accompolishment, the mom would have them move this little pile of rocks to another part of the yard. I am just starting this. Moving furniture and boxes also fits the bill. Turning over dirt in a garden plot or just digging to see how big the hole can get is great!
Boys also need to connect with mom on a deeper emotional level than girls. Girls do this with Dad. Some of their distruction is attention getting sometimes. Especially when it upsets someone else. At the right time, look into their eyes and tell them how precious they are and give them a big bear hug. Read boy books to them and identify creatures for them from insect books, field guides, and the web.
I don't think that I'll ever thave them figured out completely, but I hope to help them figure out what they need and answer those needs in healthy ways.
I am the mother of 2 boys, 3 and almost 7. I also have 5 younger brothers. I can only add I tip - make sure you spend time with other mothers with boys. A couple of my closest friends only have girls, and I found myself spending time with them and their children alot. Their girls would play so nicely, setting up these huge displays of dolls, house stuff, etc. and then my son(s) would come in and destroy it in a second! I was always apologizing for behavior and I would come home and want to cry! It was only after we started to spend more time with boys, that I began to feel NORMAL!!! and that maybe I wasn't doing such a bad job as I thought. I'm not saying not to spend time with girls or your friends without boys, I'm just saying that we all need to keep perspective and for mothers with only boys (especially) we need need a sense of humor!
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