Help
With Your Rule
Avoiding Invasive Comments
Dear Holly,
I have four children and number five is due in two months. I have come to dread going out in public with them because I get constant comments such as "Are they all yours?" "How old are they?" "Any twins?" You get the idea. Honestly, I find these questions invasive from complete strangers. I understand people are just curious or trying to make conversation, but I am
becoming increasingly uncomfortable venturing out into public with my children. Each time we go into a store, for example, I may get three or four comments about my family size and I am very self conscious if one of my children misbehave (as they often do since three of my four are boys and quite energetic). Sometimes I end up crying in the car on the way home I feel so stressed out by the comments people make. I know my children stand out because they are closely spaced (by choice).
My oldest is 6 years old. Also, my children stand out a bit as they are blonde and blue eyed and look very similar. But I don't need to hear from three or four people about my family size each time I go to the store. Once in a grocery store a woman turned about and actually screamed, "Oh my goodness! Look at them!" Several other people in the store turned to view
what she was screaming about-it was just me shopping with my four children. I was mortified.
I attempt to do the majority of my shopping when my husband is home so he can watch the kids, or I will leave some of the children at home but that is not always possible. I have noticed that if I have three children with me I never get comments but add that fourth child and I seem to be the center of attention. I have smiled, attempted humor and done other various things to stop the comments but honestly now I just pretend not to hear people. The last time I was at a store a woman actually followed me around the store asking me questions about my children. My replies were curt and I moved quickly about to give the impression I did not have time to talk but she still circled around to ask more questions!
Labels: 4th P Parent
posted by Holly at 9:16 AM
14 Comments:
FIrst of all - your family sounds lovely with its blond and blue-eyed children! :-) So, people are probably just struck by the beauty of you! I imagine famous people know exactly what you are talking about! (We suffer no such problem here!:-)
I can tell from your email that it truly bothers your heart and my heart goes out to you. I guess that if this is something that happens alot, you would get very tired of it. However, at the same time, remember that those people do not know that all those OTHER people have been saying things too - so while you are experiencing the 'cumulative effect' , the persons who are making comments are not really part of an attempt to 'get you'.
In all Christian charity, I do not believe rudeness is a fair response (not that you are being rude, but that I know I myself would be tempted!) - and I cannot see then how what you are already doing is not the answer! You are polite, you respond briefly, with a smile, and ignore when they become excessive. I personally would have been more forward with the woman circling me - and said, "Excuse me, but I am finding your questions invasive and I would like you to stop." Then I would have moved on.
If someone hollers across the store at you, well - please know that YOU are not the one who 'looks foolish'! :-)
I also imagine that people with disabilities experience this as well - people staring, asking inappropriate questions, spotlighting them - and I know this can be difficult.
I guess, in my opinion, aside from leaving some of the children at home (which is a realistic thing - I rarely take ALL my children out at the same time to shop), you may have to consider it your temporary cross and offer it up for the people who bother you. It could be a little 'apostolate' of sorts... and a painful one, like Christ's...
The Catholic Answers forums can be a great resource for you. This topic comes up a lot! I pasted a few of the threads for you to look through – but the one that answers your questions most directly and the funniest, I think, is the last link I pasted.
http://forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=97289&highlight=large+families
http://forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=67467&highlight=large+families
http://forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=52681&highlight=large+families
http://forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=24013&highlight=large+families
http://forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=11572&highlight=large+families
http://forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=964&highlight=large+families
I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone! Now, I only have two children so far, and to be honest, I don’t think I could have as many children as you without spacing more. I just don’t think I have it in me! I always look at people with amazement who can do that! And certainly not in a bad way because I marvel at big families like that. My point is, God gives us all different gifts and crosses to help us get to Heaven because we all need different things to get there. And only He knows what we need!
ME TOO!
I also have a "large family" but not what I consider to be so big. we have 4 children, the oldest is 5 and the youngest 6months. 2 of them are those energetic boys you were talking about! i have given up going shopping with all my children unless it is absolutely necessary. Some things that have helped me is that if I have a handful of items to get but cannot find a sitter, I ask one of my friends to pick them up. It is amazing to see how generous people are! I also use a big cart and smush them all inside there so they do not break anything. I may have 2 carts full-one with kids and one with food but at least nothing is broken. As for the remarks, I get them all the time! I try to involve my children in the conversations by having them all say HI and how old (b/c you know they will ask that!) and NO! I do not have a set of twins! Before I head out, I say some prayers to help keep me patient and to ask God to bless my interactions with others so I may be a beacon of light to them, reflecting Christ. Hope this helps and may God bless you. I will keep you in my prayers. Please keep me in yours too. We need this support!
Hello. I have experienced this many times and it no longer bothers me a bit. I am expecting number 9 soon and ALL my children are a year apart (no twins!). "The OTher Side" wants you to hide in fear or mortification - large families NEED to be seen. We even go out to eat (too much probably) - I tell my husband it's an "evangelization opportunity". PRactice with your kids - the more you go shopping etc, the easier it will become. Lately we took a Wal Mart "course" in behavior - some kids were getting fidgeting and touching too much - had to take them to the store just to practice the basics again. Put on some lipstick and SMILE at everyone - it absolutely unnerves them to "think" you have it all together. More times than not - I get very positive comments. No one will be pro-life if we are hidden. Remember - with God all things are possible!!!!!
As the last person with nine children just said: wear lipstick and smile! I have 5 all spaced less than 2 years apart and no twins. We get noticed everywhere. We get all the questions and comments, too.
I think it is important to be the nicest, most joy-filled person that these people meet during their day. I CHOSE to have these children and I AM thankful for all God's blessings. I need to show the world how happy I am to be participating as best as I can in God's plan.
I have always admired the courage of the martyrs who suffered immensely for their love of Jesus. I aspire to their humility and their strength in the Lord. Yet, like the Little Flower, I am not offered a glorious martyrdom and a grand way to show my love for God, but rather a meek witness as mother to His future disciples.
Meditate on the passion of Christ: "Are you the king of the Jews?" ("Are all these kids yours?) "Prove it by getting off that cross!" ("Don't you know what causes that?") Embrace your cross and follow Him.
And, if possible, leave a few children at home!
Thank you to the ladies who have contributed to this post - I LOVE all your comments and ideas here.
Holly
First, I will say that I'm sorry that people are rude. As you said, sometimes people are just curious but others are rude, no two ways about it.
I have five, but one is in regular school for high school so when I venture out during the day it is with my four boys. So, not only are people amazed that I am out with four kids, but that it's four boys.
At this point, for me, I love it. It just makes me smile every time we head in a store and I see heads turn. I love it when people say, I sure hope you have a girl at home and I say, Yes, I sure do, she's at school right now. Then, I get to see their shocked faces as they realize that adds up to five kids. I feel like I've got a secret, that having these children is the biggest joy and if they don't see that, it's really sad for them more than anything else.
Hang in there. I do agree that it is often times easier just to try and go out when you can go by yourself.
Good luck with everything,
It's really amazing when you consider that less than 6% of families today have more than three children. I'm not sure if that's the USA or the world, but I heard that statistic recently and large families have simply become a rarity and that catches people's interest. I too chose to seek pregnancy four times in seven years of marriage and I am realizing that when I expect ridicule, I feel like everyone is staring at me. But if I focus on the task at hand and doing it with joy, all goes well and those comments make me laugh rather than make me angry. Ask for God's joy to fill your heart before you go out so that you may be a positive witness of living in God's will.
Those questions are really tiresome, aren't they? I have found that thinking of our family as ambassadors can sometimes help me to remain patient and polite in my responses. It also helps to remind myself that while they are tiresome and unthinking, they're not usually unkind.
In my experience (I have seven kids, and I've been asked "Are they ALL yours?!" since #3 was born!), there are many different reasons why people ask such questions.
First, and I think by far the most common, is simply impolite lack of inhibition. Most people nowadays seem to feel that when they see something unusual, they have a right or even an obligation to comment on it, and they've never been taught not to make personal comments. The people who ask you, "Any twins?" probably also ask every man over six feet tall, "How's the weather up there?"
Sometimes it's envy, because the person wants what you have but can't have it, say because of infertility. I've also had two different men say to me, "I'd have loved a family like yours, but my wife said two was enough." Then there's friendly admiration: "Boy, you must have your hands full," usually said with a smile. Or the admiration can be tinged with a sense of inferiority: "I guess you must have the patience of a saint." Sometimes it's real guilt; to some people, you're a living demonstration that what they said was impossible isn't. Some people jump from this sense of guilt to a feeling that you are accusing them. Very rarely have I met anyone who is truly hostile, say because he believes having more than two children is wrong.
Anyway, it's often not clear what a given person's motivation is, so that makes it doubly important to keep our responses polite. (Though sometimes you might need a polite version of "None of your business.") Some of the posts in the Catholic Answers threads linked to above displayed, I thought, a near evangelistic zeal to put the questioner in his place and teach him that large families are good. To my mind, that's committing the same fault as the questioner, namely, making intrusive personal comments to strangers.
I have 5 kids, ages 10 and under.
To the question, "Are they all yours?" I always respond, "...and my husband's, too!" with a smile. That makes them laugh.
Or if the question is "Are these all your kids?" I say, (in the spirit of the book Cheaper by the Dozen), "No...I left some at home."
"The more the merrier!" is always a good response.
People would faint if they heard our conversation at dinner last night. My second to oldest was reading a biography of someone who had 15 kids. Then my oldest mentioned a biography of someone who had 10 kids. They all agreed that it would be fun to have that many kids in our family. (I was exhausted just thinking about it.)
We are expecting number five, and our other four are 9, 7, 5 and almost 2. Can I tell you something? I have never once had a rude comment in public, and I always take all my kids everywhere. People will say things like "You must have your hands full" but I just smile and say, "Oh, everyone's busy with something---I just get to be busy with the best thing." If you look stressed out or worried, or avoid making eye contact, they will assume you're somehow ashamed of all your children and that makes it a point of vulnerability. We really are "evangelists" for procreation when we're out and I think it makes a difference just if we smile and enjoy our kids and delight in the gifts God has given us, rather than trying to keep them still and quiet as though they're wearing straitjackets. My friend Michelle has 11 kids (one is married now) and she often says to her kids as they get out of the van, "Smile, children! The world is watching!" They have the most fun, close-knit family, and all their kids would love mom to have "just one more. The fact is, the world has a terrible, anti-child attitude, but we must believe what God says over what the world says. And God says children are a blessing!
I have so much enjoyed reading all the responses here. I am a mother of six. My kids are all about 18 months apart.The oldest is now 9.
I agree with all the wonderful advice that has been shared. I just wanted to add a couple things.
I really do believe that we are a witness to life in this culture of death. I try to pray and have the kids pray before we go anywhere that we can lead others to the Lord. I may not go to India but I go to the grocery store!
I also try to see some of it as mortification. Great saints choose these. We have ours to bear each time we go out. I found that once I changed my own attitude to one of cheerful carrying of this cross ....that helped.
I ususally get the quesiton "You are done, right?" How many are you going to have?" I have found the best answer to that is "God's will be done". It usually gets them to think and not ask too much more.
Finally, we had one experience that I would like to relate. While going through the check out lane, my kids started to bag our groceries. A bagger was told to come over and help. The bagger got mad at the way my kids were helping (they were not out of line..just kids). The bagger got so physically upset we thought she would hit one of my kids. I took that child and picked him up. We all met her with love and kindness. She said some pretty unkind things to which I replied with love and a smile. At the end of the interaction, she began to soften. She was almost nice. It was a way for me to teach my kids the truth of the Gospel. She came at us with anger and harsh words and we overcame them with love.
Hi! WOW - sounds like your words came right out of my mouth. We have five kids - ages 16mos to 7yrs. No twins here, either. As my husband says, "We've got to represent." We must be good examples of our faith. I, too, get bogged down by the comments, by strangers and family members alike. Many family members "tease" me because I am not pregnant with number six yet. it is so hard to smile in the face of adversity, but it is one small way that we can unite ourselves to the suffering of Christ.
When people ask intrusive questions of us I respond with "And why would you like to know?" in a pleasant tone. Sometimes they are just curious about the cluster of children, other times they have a real desire to learn how we make our family work. We are a family of 5, but I often have other children with us as we bring day care kids or friends along on outings. We educate our own children and have kids from teens to infants with us often. As the 4th of 10 children myself I recall my mom responding, They were all so lovely I couldn't choose just one!It also reminded us that we were all special to her!(None of us were adopted and there were no multiples.) It just caught nosey people off guard with humor.
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