Help
With Your Rule
New Baby, No Rule, and A Seemingly Losing Battle
Dear Holly,
I must thank you for being open to God's grace in writing this book. I cannot express in words how inspiring it is for me. I am so excited to get started on my rule, and I have started a little on the first P: Prayer. But unfortunately, that little start is really, really small, and I don't see it growing in the near future. :-(
We have two children, a 2 year old and a 4 month old. I am struggling to get the 4 month old on any sort of a schedule right now. He is very clingy and needs to be held to get to sleep during the day, and he sleeps a lot - only a couple of 30 minute intervals during the day where I don't have to hold him. While I have a good baby carrier that I can use, he doesn't sleep for very long while in it. The best way he sleeps is if I am holding him using my two arms, and then I can rarely put him down without waking him. I am feeling so much guilt because I am neglecting my 2 year old, my house, my husband and myself. I am feeling much guilt also because I feel like I enabled this behavior in my 4 month old, and now it is disrupting the entire family balance. I have read many sleep books from one extreme to the other. Despite thinking that most of the techniques I read about were junk, I tried many of them, but without success.
In addition to all of this, for the first time in my life, I feel like I have a real crisis of faith. I have to fight against my anger toward God for allowing this to happen and for not giving me a solution. And I feel guilty for feeling such a thing toward my Creator, my Savior. But I feel abandoned by Him. I am willing to do anything - even suffer though - but the suffering seems to have no purpose. I don't know what I'm supposed to be learning spiritually through this, and being that some of the suffering is at the expense of my children, I feel even more resentful. In the past I have been able to sort out my feelings when fighting spiritual battles; I have been able to see that the suffering was for my own good, and while I may not have liked it, I eventually came to accept it. But none of my prayers thus far have brought about any clarity. It's a new territory for me spiritually, and I simply have no clue how to navigate through it. I would appreciate any spiritual guidance or insight that you may be able to offer me.
Labels: 1st P Prayer, 4th P Parent
posted by Holly at 2:00 PM
19 Comments:
First off, thank you for writing. I am glad you did and congratulations on your newest addition to the family.
Yes, you are treading a new path spiritually, and in your family life. You are going through a period of tremendous adjustment and I think you need to understand this. Things are not ever going to 'go back to normal' so I would not expect your family life to resume the same lifestyle as BC (Before Children) or BC1 (Before Child #1). To think otherwise is to be unrealistic and to fight a losing battle.
The mission God has given you is to be a mom. The lesson He is trying to help you learn is how to be a Mom. This is your mission. There is nothing else right now. And so you can relax. In fact, you need to relax.
What does that little baby need? It needs Mummy. It needs Mummy's love. It needs Mummy's warm caress and being held and physical love - to show baby that life is OK; that home is a safe place; that love and affection are a normal part of life; and that he can expect only good things for the next little while. And baby cries when he needs something - like food or a drink, or a familiar face. He also cries if he is scared.
"Mummy" is supposed to mean "safety and love".
But if Mummy is tense and anxious to get away or upset, then little baby feels insecure, gets alarmed, and clings even harder (although I personally question whether a baby that age 'clings' or if this is not a perception on Mummy's part.)
So I think the first thing is to accept that you have a new little baby who simply needs your relaxed loving presence. THIS is what God asks of you right now. And this situation is a phase, made much more difficult by your anxiety about it.
There is no other important job to do right now - In the scheme of your married life, your baby comes above your housework. Your husband is your partner here and is called to attend to baby too... and to the housework with you. And as for your two year old - there are many ways to include the child in your daily life - when you nurse, have your older child cuddle. When you sit with your baby, have the two year old bring a book to read. Have the toddler come while you change baby.
Don't try to create an artificial schedule as a rule of life right now. A rule only works when it works within the context of family life as your family
manifests it. You need to watch your baby and see what his natural lulls are, as opposed to trying to box him into time frames. I have a feeling that when he feels you relax generally, he will begin to relax too.
And as for God - talk to Him when you nurse. This will provide many many opportunities for you to converse with Him. He is not sitting in the sky saying "Because you are a Mom, you cannot pray to me now." In fact, he is saying the opposite,
"Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers and sisters, that you do unto me." Thus, however you would wish to treat Christ, you can now treat your baby, as Christ is within him.
Now, that said - A good friend of mine has had a rough couple of years with a child who seldom sleeps and I emailed her to reply to you as well. Her answers may prove very helpful to you, so I will post them next on the comments.
Here is what my friend said:
I would begin with a big congratulations! The Lord has truly blessed you ! My recommendations would be
1. Buy a sling type baby carrier and wear it all the time. At first, get baby in a comfy and he will still want your two arms around him but as he gets used to the carrier, you can slowly take away your arms to attend to other duties. When used correctly, baby is very safe in these carriers so either get good instructions on how to use them or even better find a sling wearing mom to help you out.
With the sling, I would totally give up the idea of getting a 4mo on your schedule and start learning his schedule. With careful observation, you will find that he has times that are more sleepy, times that are more playful, times when he is more hungry etc. These times will become more clear as he gets closer to 6 mo. Then go with it.
You are not enabling this behavior - he is a 4mo. I try to think about "pregnancy" lasting at least 18 months (9 in and 9 out) so for the 9 out mom and baby are just as much of a pair as they are for the 9 in. That means baby is carried as much as possible. The family balance may have to change but not too much. Try to accept that this is the way it is for now (babies grow up too fast) and thank God for the trust and security that baby is learning from you during this time and enjoy the blessing.
2. Now for the other things, "Simple" is good in all things especially with little ones. Keep housework to a minimum, be creative (could you use paper plates for a few meals?) accept help when offered especially from your husband. The sling should help here because your hands will be free to fold laundry, sweep, etc while baby is happily snuggled close to your heart.
For your 2yo, try to include her in the things you are doing. I have found that when baby is happy in the sling, I can read, go for a walk, play dolls, dressup, restaurant, etc,etc just try to get down on her level and look right into her eyes. And of course she can snuggle too.
For husband, basically the same thing. When baby is carried, you can give attention to your husband by looking at him and spending time with him. Sharing bonding time together with baby is also really good. Dad's need to feel close to baby too. A wise friend once told me that it's the Dad's job to look after Mom as well as Mom cares for the children in those early months. Feel free to be clear about your needs and let him help you. Do you need a nap? a shower? some adult conversation? State your needs clearly and receive his love.
Lastly prayer, Keep it simple. I would simply ask the Lord to open your heart to the blessing of your children and to the joy that they bring. I think that the goal of a mother with young children is to learn to see Christ in each child and therefore every action becomes an act of love to God. So when you clothe, feed, comfort, etc the child, you are doing those things for Christ.
It also helps me to reflect on the concept that the child develops his view of God primarily through his experience with Mom and Dad. So when I attend to their cries, listen attentively, meet their needs generously, I am preparing them to transfer those lessons to God - preparing the soil for their faith so to speak.
As far as prayer, I pray while I am nursing, pray at night when you are up with baby, and offer any quiet moment to the Lord then he will be more present in the business and chaos.
I also have to change my "view" of a good prayer life. There are days that I don't get my rosary said and other devotions that I really enjoy have been set aside. My guideline is LOVE. What is the loving duty required of me at this moment - often it is attending to the child- not always but often. This of course will change as the child grows, becomes more independant and more able to wait for mom.
Lastly, as far as a rule... I think that a rule for a mom with a baby is more about the priorities than it is about the schedule. Flexibility is key. I think that there is much grace to be gained by obediently following a well developed practical-rule-schedule, but I think that there is also grace to be had by putting yourself at the service of an infant and responding lovingly to baby's cues.
I can sympathize! Going from 1 to 2 children was a very difficult adjustment for me. We had done the attachment parenting thing for the 1st child, but that just didn't seem to be working well for us the second time around. The third time around, I had read the Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems. It has made a world of difference in our home. It presents a very balanced approach --not too rigid of schedule like Babywise, but not so "nurse the baby all the time". She gives you very specific (and gentle) ways to help establish a general routine or rhythm to your baby's day. But she always says to do what your baby needs. My 3rd baby now will take a morning nap about 2 hours after she gets up. I can actually lay her down awake. This never happened with the other two! I hope this will be a new recommendation for you. I know some of those junky books you're talking about.
Thank you Anonymous for the comment and book recommendation. I am always so happy when other moms share perspective - it is so beneficial to all of us.
I have four children under the age of 5, and the biggest adjustment was DEFINETELY with baby number 2! No doubt about it. And, many other moms have said the same thing.
Sometimes all I could muster were numerous requests to Jesus and Mary to "help me during the next 5 minutes." Or repeating the Holy Name of Jesus over and over. A friend also suggested I memorize one scripture verse to say "whenever I needed" which was basically all the time. Deut. 31:8? Mat 10:29? Isaiah 40:11? And, I found that just a short morning offering was imperative, as it helped my suffering, frustrations and tears to be redemptive, even if i wasn't thinking of it at the time.
I highly second the advice about the sling. I have used many types of slings, and recommend www.kangarookorner.com. She's a mom in Mpls. who is the "sling expert"....call her and talk to her about your needs.
For a little "pick-me-up" and inspiration during these days, look at "My cup of Tea:musings of a Catholic Mom" by Danielle Bean. Holly recommended it in her "Holly's notebook" section. It's a beautiful book, putting things in perspective with lots of laughter. Chapter 3 is sort of about your situation right now.....it's beautiful and true and very funny!
From "My Cup of Tea" page 16. "More so than any other life experience, motherhood has taught me that nothing does last forever. Just as the sweet moments of parenthood are fleeting, so too are the trials....Babies do grow up. Thankfully, with time, experience, and the grace of God, mommies do too."
I'm a mom of 5 and I also think Baby #2 was the hardest adjustment. But Baby #5 is now 7 months old and there are days I feel I get nothing done. My wonderful husband has done the dishes too many nights for too long, and has patiently eaten whatever I've managed to throw together in 20 minutes while he holds the (fussing) baby.
It helps me to remember my past sins and to offer up this suffering in reparation in the confident hope that my time in purgatory will be diminished!
And as the previous person wrote in quoting Danielle Bean, this time is fleeting. It is very easy after 2 or 3 weeks of a certain behavior by a baby to think it's forever and to think it will last forever. But then, one day, you will realize that the baby slept for a whole hour or sat and played with a basket of toys for a glorious 15 minutes or that your toddler was able to amuse them both for half an hour with a game of peekaboo. It WILL get easier!
As for those other household responsibilites, focus on what is most important: meals, laundry and a safe path through the house. Try to plan meals that are simple and healthy, that require minimal prep time, and that don't require frequent checking (think crockpot or stews or casseroles). And remember, it is OK if the baby is left to cry for 15 minutes while you chop an onion and throw ingredients in a pot. I have a high chair that can recline and I've put the baby in that and kept him close while I work as fast as possible. He's still miserable, but at least I know the toddler isn't "helping" him and I can sing some peaceful hymns ("Immaculate Mary" makes a great lullaby) to try and sooth him (or me!).
Hi! I'm a new mom of a 14-month old (my only child) who also had a hard time staying asleep when I put him down flat. What worked wonders for us was putting him down for naps during the day in his infant carrier/car seat. This was also convenient as I could move him from room to room in the seat without disturbing him. For some reason, he didn't have a problem being put to sleep at night in his crib, but naps during the day HAD to be in a reclined position for him, or he thought it was play time! Good luck :)
I just want to offer another book recommendation. "Your Labor of Love" by Agnes Penny is a beautiful book for reflection during pregnancy, and for me the best part was the end when she focused exactly on this blessed time that you are in, when you have that teeny tiny blessing in your arms-it was so spiritually nourishing to me when my second child was first born.
I can remember feeling exactly as you do and desparately calling my parish to find out if there was some moms' group out there that helped new moms maybe by delivering casseroles, or taking hubby's shirts to the cleaners, etc., for a week or two after a new baby arrives. Unfortunately, there was not, but I was determined to start one when I was able, especially as we have no family in the area, and I figured I could use it myself in the future!:) Now that I read your email and remember being in that same spot, I think I will contact my parish about starting this, so I thank you for writing to Holly too from me!
I can only add that I did indulge myself one of the first weeks when I felt brave enough to take the kids out in the car and picked up a week's worth of decent prepared meals from the local Italian deli-so all I needed time to do was put the oven on.
Remember that even just being home with your older child and nearby provides so much love and attention in just your loving presence, so do not feel guilty about the attention you must give the baby.
(I must say that, Holly, your response was so beautiful I wish I had come to you for help when my second child was born. I could have used that advice and support.!)
I just wanted to thank everyone for their thoughtful responses. They have all been so helpful to me.
I think one of the problems I had was that I had this vision of the "ideal mother" in my head, and I think I was trying to be that. But then when it wasn't working out that way, I just felt like I was failing. It's really all about simplifying your life, isn't it? That can't be overstated because I don't think I always understand it at first glance.
For instance, instead of thinking that I had to give the whole day to my 2 yr old, just giving him extra hugs and kisses, singing songs while making lunch, and playing 5 minute silly games made me feel so much better today. And when I saw more smiles on his face, I knew I was doing what I was supposed to.
Thanks again. Your validation has been invaluable.
Wonderful Andrea! I think your notion of 'simplification' is KEY!!! In MROL, I was trying to say this by taking about focusing on 'essentials'.
Sure it would be nice to have the bathroom decorated 'just so' or every pair of pants hung totally neatly in the closet...
But in reality, the first 4 Ps all deal with RELATIONSHIPS and hence with LOVE. And isn't this the message Jesus came to teach us?
So, even in housework - no, we dont' have a 'designer house' - no - we have a home... which is a place where PERSONS live... and our main call is LOVE... And even your 5 minutes with a two year old, loving him, is better than a day spent being a housework perfectionist.
:-)
Your second child sounds much like my second child. She was a terrible sleeper, too, and for the first three months she would only sleep at night if I was holding her in my arms! Needless to say, I was exhausted and had lots of neck cramps for months!
Eventually, I found a system that worked. I put my baby down for naps in her swing. The movement kept her from waking up prematurely. Additionally, I also ran a noisemaker and kept the room extremely dark. In fact, for a few month, she was actually sleeping my master bedroom closet because it was the only place that was dark enough for her! My husband and I called her sleeping quarters a "sensory deprivation chamber". The darkness and noise drove us nuts! We also bundled her very tight with a blanket. This really did the trick, and suddenly her naps doubled in length, and she was able to sleep in her own room (or closet!).
Keep experimenting with sleep, and ask other mothers around you (especially the moms with lots of kids!) for their best advice. I'm sure you'll find a system that will work.
Be encouraged! You didn't "cause" this behavior-it's just he nature of your baby.
I know from my oldest how hard it is when a baby doesn't sleep. Tim is now 8 and sleeps like a rock.
My younger son is 4. I've miscarried my last four pregnancies - the last one fairly late.
I don't share this to pour guilt on you or to tell you to suck it up. In truth, the sleepless months with my oldest were the hardest of my life. I don't minimize the struggle. But it does pass. It really does. And I would love to hold a baby right now.
I looked at a picture of my younger son the other day and I wondered why it always seemed that I was in such a hurry when he was little. What was so darn important that I always seemed to be dashing off somewhere and didn't have time to just sit and hold him.
My favorite day with Kolbe was when I was sick, sick, sick with mastitis. We never made it out of the bed. I held him and nursed and slept all day. I wished I had faked sick and done this more often.
You'll be in my prayers. Hang in there.
These are all great ideas and I just wanted to add one more. There is a website called www.mamatoto.org that shows different carriers and how to make them or where to purchase them as well as how to use them. There are different ways to carry baby on your chest or back depending on what you need to do and the size/age of your baby. I have five and each has been a challenge in his own way but also such a blessing to our family. Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers.
I just wanted to say that your answer, Holly, and your friend's answer to this mom were beautiful and wonderful!
I have 6 children, including 4 month old twins and a 2 year old. I was feeling guilty for not doing exactly what I wanted to with my 2 year old, when I realized that the only important thing was that I spend time with him. So now "Ryan time" is on my checklist.
I cannot follow a schedule right now, but I wrote a list of essential things and I check them off one by one. I have never had a day where I checked off everything but it helps me focus on what to do (besides take care of the twins!)
You know, St Teresa of Avila said that "Everything in our rule..." is about love - love of God and love of neighbour.
The heart of a mother's rule is to love and the practical schedule is a training tool to focus us on our vocations. But once that focus has begun, the practical schedule becomes the tool then to serve love in the family...
If your heart is already with your family in love... if you are already doing what you can to serve your family in the practical situations of your family life... have you not, then, already reached the heart of a mother's rule? Are not all your efforts dedicated to the good of your fmily? Is this not the goal of a mother's rule? and so are you not already following a rule?
Yes - you are. And there is no need to fret about a practical schedule when the heart of the rule is being lived and one is doing what one can to maintain the home. Mother Theresa said it was the SPIRIT of the rule which counts.
God bless you.
Thank you!
Going from 1 to 2 was very difficult for me as well, even though my 1st is 6 yrs. old and is a great help. (I only have 2). My 2nd, a boy, is almost 6 mos. old and I was going through exactly what you were. The unpredictability of his schedule was driving me nuts. Finally things are getting better. One excellent thing I've done with him that I didn't do with my 1st was to let him cry it out for a nap. This plan from my sister-in-law pediatrician helped me to do it. I would check on him every 10 minutes by reassuring "Everything's ok, Mommy's still here, you can go to sleep by yourself." Then if he still was wailing after an 1 hour of that, give up the nap and get the baby up. I could deal with this because there was an end-point. So the first time I did it he cried the whole hour - and then stopped just as I was about to get him! It's been 2-3 weeks since then and he still fusses a little, but it's getting better and better all the time.
It is such a wonderful feeling of freedom! I'm asking myself, "Why didn't I do this with my first?!" So just at the time when I thought I was going to lose my sanity I regained it.
Also, I discovered early on that I have post-partum depression. I never would have guessed, although I had experienced many life changes at the same time. It took me 6 weeks to be able to see it. So I am seeing a psychiatrist who is wonderful, and I'm on zoloft. Zoloft has been incredibly good for me. It has changed my whole life.
I can think more clearly, am not as sensitive, can communicate better with my husband, and I have much more joy. I am getting so much more organized. The interesting thing is I'm discovering that I have been depressed for a LONG time and had NO idea!!! I couldn't see it.
And now I am feeling free of it - it's like a veil has been lifted on my life. And I'm feeling soooo much better. I highly recommend it as long as one also sees a psych along with it. We have done so much hard work in counseling and it has been very productive. It's so helpful to have someone to talk to - you can tell the psych anything at all and it's confidential.
So zoloft and my dr. have been my answers to prayer. God is good, life is good, and I am now enjoying my life, my family (especially my husband!!!), and myself. Thanks be to God.
For Michele
I have to tell you - not being able to go on antidepressants because they harm my liver - I too have struggled with moods and depression and SAD in my life etc... My naturopath took me of wheat and dairy in January and I have NEVER had a better two months, nor a better winter.
I have the same sensations of healing and this through food. My recommendation to all people who have emotional or mental issues which seem inexplicable - try the wheat and dairy purge for 2 weeks and see how you feel - there is always the possibility of a cerebral (brain) allergy - where you react to very common foods in an allergic reaction which affects the hypothalmus, etc of the brain and hence causes emotional and mental shifts.
This was obviously part of my own difficulty and I feel like I am walking in miracle mode. Just thot I'd share that for whomever it can help.
I wish this website (and Holly's book!) had been around when I had my my first child, who is now 5. I have two children, my daughter is 1, but my son, the 5 year old, was what my husband and I called "High Maintenance" when he was a baby. It was crazy - he HATED to sleep, for naps and at night (still isn't crazy about it, but has gotten the message that it's a necessary evil!). He was basically a happy, well adjusted child except for the sleeping (or lack thereof) and he only wanted ME. He wanted NOTHING to do with anyone else including my husband for 4 1/2 years!!! Talk about getting no rest! But my point is, while this was all going on, I was working part time and we have our own business, which I do all the books for, and I felt like I had to live up to that 'perfect mom' image. Well, I have MAJOR regrets about how little patience I had with my son. I am slowly working through these and thankfully now realize that although I can't change the past, but the future is whatever I want it to be. Thanks be to God, he at this point seems to be unaffected by my (in my mind) horrible job of rasing him in the first few years of his life. It's funny, his time as an infant seemed to last forever, but my daughter, who sleeps all the time with no fuss whatsoever, is already 1 and it's flown by! Go figure. I guess I have to reiterate what some of the other moms said, it goes by in an instant. I will pray for you; just remember you are not alone! And a great book, which worked wonderfully for my daugther, was "The Happiest Baby on the Block". I had great success with the methods in this book.
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