Help
With Your Rule
Learning How to Parent
Dear Holly,
The most challenging relationship I have within the family right now is with my preschooler. I love her dearly, but it is really hard for me to reach her. I feel like I don't know how to relate to her. (i.e., How do I motivate her to do her chores? How do I discipline her lovingly yet firmly (to stay in quiet time, to listen to me, etc.)? How do I encourage her to try new things with me--I set aside time to do a craft or work on counting, and she doesn't want to do these things? How do I teach her to play a game?) My husband works beautifully with her, but I feel like I am not a very good mom to her at all. I think I approach things all wrong with her, but I don't know another way. I am hopeful that through prayer and grace I will figure this out, but I also am
struggling ...
Labels: 4th P Parent
posted by Holly at 7:30 AM
6 Comments:
You are experiencing a difficult phase in mothering - where you are learning right along with your children! I remember thinking and feeling this way and wishing I had had some 'education' in parenting instead of all the other stuff I had learned!
I think for me, the first thing is to allow a child to 'be'. I know the experience of trying to get them to do things - like a craft or whatever - based on my vision of how a loving parent-child relationship should be, and then the child doesn't want to do these things. I remember wanting to throw up my hands and say, "Well!"
So, I had to learn the opposite: I had to learn to let the child 'be' and watch and study him or her. Talk to Jesus about her as you study her. What is she doing and why is she doing it?
And then, ask yourself, "How would I treat another adult in this situation - how would I THINK about it and how would I speak (tone of voice?)" Ask yourself, "How did I behave when I was a little kid? What do I remember? What did I like?" And see if you can't glean some insights there
And I would also have long chats with your husband who seems to know how to be with her - cash in on that! Ask him to explain his attitudes and outlook and methods - this would help you profoundly, I think.
For other MROL readers - are there any particular parenting books you could recommend for this situation? Please jot them down with a brief explanation or share your own wisdom here, for the benefit of our friend.
Oh! I am in the same stage with my pre-schooler! Sort of a different situation, but the same feelings! I can only recommend "How to Raise Good Catholic Children" by Mary Reed Newland at this point-she addresses a host of things beautifully, but I did just order 11, count 'em, 11 books on catholic parenting because I feel so clueless sometimes and will be so happy to share these suggestions when I have them! I ordered some from Ray Guarendi, Greg Popcak, gosh, I can't remember the rest-some were just for me on personal growth actually-but I include that as I need to get myself together to be a good parent!, some for motherhood, some for wifehood-I need all the help I can get!;)-just know that you're not alone, I will post back soon.
My husband is the favorite in my house too and lately my daughter tells me she hates me and asks me if I love her (and she's serious) at least 3 times a day. There's something going on here that I can't figure out-probably has a lot to do with me. Boy do I love that little girl!-I am heartbroken when she asks me that.
I said to the Lord, "Lord, if I do all this research on parenting and being a wife-I'll have no time for anything else (I meant other prayer groups, other books, etc.), and He said back in a quiet moment, "Precisely." God is so good-He will help us always! God Bless-I'll post again soon!
Please share your wisdom as you read all these books!
It's very difficult raising a preschooler at times...we can all use a helpfull hand at times. So the way I try and get through to her is by spending time with my daughter pretending like we are girlfriends or some kind of professional. She likes to pretend and it helps her to see both sides more clearly. With daily stuff I generally follow her lead and speak to her as my daugher but let her know she is the young adult in our family and I am gong to treat her that way as long as she allows me too. I tell her that it's her choice (in what ever it is that she needs to do) and explain to her each time the best and worst consequence of what her choices may be. I remind her all the that her family (me, father and brother) loves her and respects her and that showing respect for our family memebers is always most important. I let her know that everbody has to do their part in our family in order for everthing to work properly and fairly; and that's the way adults do it. When we do our chors we fell proud of ourselves and God is proud of us too and then we can confidently go out and have fun doing the things we enjoy best like spending time with our friends and family or doing a craft of something. With a little of my help she'l clean her room in no time and sure enough she'l make some kind of comment to me about how that wasn't so bad or how good she feels that her room is clean. I can just feel the pride she is feeling and that makes me proud too. I am definately not saying that everthing is always easy, but reinforcing those things to her over and over again makes is easier and easier. Now can anyone tell me how to get my daughter to wear the clothes I want her to wear without having to go through a meltdown?
re clothes:
Why not pull together 2-3 outfits int he evening and say, "Now, which one of THESE are you going to choose to wear tomorrow?" Give her total freedom within your limits - a matching outfit.
My favorite parenting book that I would highly recommend is "Parenting with Grace - Catholic Parent's Guide to Raising almost Perfect Kids" by Gregory K. Papcak. It teaches you how to build rapport with your children as well as very practical suggestions in areas like discipline and the phases of childhood.
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