Help
With Your Rule
Culture Shock
Dear Holly,
I LOVE MROL...thank you for taking the time from your busy mother's life to provide it to me and others. I recently became a full-time stay-at-home mother. I worked 4 days/week for 19 yrs. I have four children 13, 7, 3 & 6 months. I am truly blessed to be able to stay home and know it is God's will for me, therefore I am truly happy to be doing His will.
My oldest two children are in school during the day, but I'm having a very difficult time with my 3 y.o. Our personalities clash terribly - I say black, he says "NO". I say please, he says "NO". I say anything, he says "NO". Spanking does not phase him; time outs make him scream & wake the baby. I've become so angry at times I just want him to go away. We both try to hug and say sorry and start over, but this "clashing" seems to happen a few times a day. I pray to St. Therese of the Child Jesus (my 3 y.o. was born on her feast day), asking her how to help me love him, usually by saying..."St. Therese...send me graces...NOW!" SInce I nurse the baby, I don't get my morning prayer time in, but usually complete a rosary daily throughout nursing times, as well as a morning offering. Every other week for one hour, my husband and I go to our local adoration chapel - I don't know what I'd do without this time alone with Jesus, it's my saving grace. Some days I feel like I'm barely afloat - mentally, spiritually & physically. I realize we're all going through many changes having me home, but I get so frustrated w/my 3 y.o., that I'm not sure how to deal with him. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Labels: 4th P Parent
posted by Holly at 2:30 PM
6 Comments:
I hate to tell you this, but you are suffering from a bit of culture shock! For 19 years, you have spent most of your time out of the home in the workplace.
Life was easier out there! And you probably had much more think-time to yourself, and much less concerns for your children because there was more support through the school and daycare etc.
But now the responsibility lies firmly on your shoulders. For me, this was a particularly challenging part of my life too - when I realized I really hadn't been 'formed' or educated to assume responsibility for the complete running of my home and raising of my chidlren. I was too trained in every other area, it seemed!
So too, for your child - this is a culture shock. He has been used to another type of life... and now, he too is struggling to figure out how to live with a Mummy who's frustrated with him.
The first thing you need is time. Time to adjust - time not to push you or your 3yo - and time to ponder about the lifestyle God has now introduced to you, and which you need to 'learn'. For 19 years, your experience of home has been weekends and vacation time. Now, you need to make your life there - a happy and harmonious home. And this needs to deal with ALL the areas of our person -
physical, psychological, and spiritual - for the entire family.
Secondly, you need to read. Pope Pius XII said study is the way to change our convictions and form ourselves. You need to study some good child raising books. Why? Because not having done this full-time for this long, means you need to expose yourself to the mission of child-raising in a more intensive way.
You also need to identify your own inherent expectations - how you were raised, what you consider normal, how your elders dealt with you, and how you 'tend' to deal with your child. All of this now needs to be scrutinized and attended to in a conscious fashion.
And you need to ask God to show you how to love. Oh, I am not putting you down here - I am still learning too. And I am going to recommend an EXCELLENT little book to you: "Born Only Once" by Dr Conrad Baars. This book deals with the heart of love - love as you and I did or didn't experience it, as well as love relating to how we raise our children. I strongly recommend it to you.
But again - 'time' and 'patience' - perhaps by setting yourself in a discovery mode - an 'assessment' mode relating to your life -
What is working? What is not working? Why is it not working? What can I do to change? These are your questions and they will provide your answers.
I can't help but share a suggestion that the priest in confession told me today. He told me, after confessing how impatient I am and how I lose my temper with my 3 year old so often, he told me to look to St. John Bosco, who encouraged gentleness and patience (while still being firm) with children and was a man ahead of his time in this regard. He told me that St. John Bosco too struggled with impatience, etc. with the boys that were in his spiritual care.
Always good to have a saint to turn to who knows your struggles!
Excellent Anonymous! Thank you! And Good St Anne - paron saint of mothers, of course!
I just heard of a book today about children (and adults) and how food allergies affect the brain and yet we don't think of allergies having these types of effects. As a result, some behaviors are attributed to diet and nutrition, or aggravated or made worse. I thought of you!
The book is called "Is this Your Child?" and can be found on Amazon.com I forget the author. Anyway - I ordered it myself as it looked like an interesting contributing factor in childhood and adult behavior - seeing as how we know the physical plays such a heavy role in the psychological and spiritual. If you DO read it, get back to me and let me know what you thought!
Two suggestions:
One: always remember that God gave this particular child to YOU and so he thinks that YOU are best able to love this child and raise this child in the manner that the child needs to be loved and raised.
Two: I have found it helpful in dealing with my daughter, who honestly annoys me much of the time - she's 4 now, to focus on the positive. I try to begin the morning with a warm hug and kiss and act happy to see her. If I see her doing something nice or if she asks politely for something or if she behaves well, I tell her how happy it makes me and give her a big smile. If our eyes meet in the course of the day, I try to smile and not frown at her. I try to assume that she's doing good and not up to mischief when I check on her. This has really helped me LIKE her more.
It seems horrible to think that a mother wouldn't like her child, but sometimes personalities do clash. Perhaps there are flaws in my personality that she brings out and gives me the opportunity to fix, or perhaps God knows that I am the best person to help her with her personality flaws!
Pretend Mary is standing on one side and Jesus on the other side of you. They can be so wise in the worst moments!
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