Help
With Your Rule
Extended Family and a Mother's Rule
Dear Holly,
I have a question regarding where extended family members fit in to my rule.
My mother lives close by and I see her almost every day. Unfortunately, she doesn't seem to be able to be scheduled in and has very hurt feelings when she feels that I don't have time for her. She is rather depressed and very needy emotionally. She tries to help and will sometimes take my younger kids to her house but seems unable to feed them appropriately and will bring them home past lunch without having fed them anything but cookies or ice cream. I have tried talking to her about scheduling time with us, and about the kids' eating habits, but she just gets hurt feelings and it doesn't seem that anything changes. Often I will send the kids with her, not so much to help me, although it can be a nice break, but to keep her spirits up. I love my mother very much and, at 84, I can appreciate that she needs me and I don't want to ruin what time we have left together. I love that my boys have her and want to spend time with her, though she really just wants the company and lets them watch tv and play video games.
I don't mean to put her down, she just seems to have forgotten how best to care for children and, certainly, times have changed since she had small kids. If she doesn't take the kids to her house than she is here asking when I will have time to "sit and visit". I guess I am just asking for some advice on how to minimize the negative impact around here. It is impossible for me to tell her she is not welcome in my home and she won't be scheduled. She just stops by no matter how many times I ask her not to. Unless I meet her at the front door, tell her that it is not a good time and I will call her later and shut the door on her, she will just be here. Any advice that you can offer would be most helpful.
Labels: Miscellaneous
posted by Holly at 7:09 PM
6 Comments:
My first reaction to your email was how different people's circumstances are. I have often thought of having my mother move here and I could build her an add-on to the house, so she could live with us! I've asked her and she won't! Heh heh... :-)
But for you, I understand what you must feel is a 'disruption' in your daily life, because your elderly mother resists some sort of regular schedule to her visits, and because she wishes you to stop what you are doing to visit.
First off, I think you need to be true to your vocation. "A man leaves his mother and a woman leaves her home... " Your priority does in fact remain primarily with your own family and meeting their needs. As such, I would still be very honest - firmly but kindly - with your mum and tell her why she is making things difficult, and ways this could be resolved. I figure you have nothing to lose, do you?
When she asks, "When will you have time to sit and chat" say, "Well, let me see - at 4:00 I can spend about 15 minutes. In the meantime, feel like folding a load of laundry for me? You're welcome to stay and wait. And if you want to feel busy, I have loads of stuff you can do :-)"
And I also hate to say it, but sometimes people can manipulate others with guilt feelings by appearing 'hurt'. I am not so sure that you would be doing her any favors if you consciously fostered this by not speaking openly about your needs and your family needs. I know it's tough tho...
Also, I also think you have a possible avenue to affirm your mother and let her feel loved. I once read about a couple who adopted a child when they had their own biological children. The adopted child knew that they had accepted him as a member of the family when they began to make him do the dishes! So I would say - ask your mother to help you. Give her a bowl with a carrot scraper and your carrots for supper. Hand her some beans to tip and top. Have her dry up some dishes for you. Have her read a story to one of the kids. Any way where you can directly ask her help, do so,. That way, it will assist you in keeping your priorities in order. Let her cut and chop while you prep lunch. These are examples.
Plus, I am not sure the ages of your children, but I would only be sending them to grandma's with restrictions - home by lunch; go for an hour; or whatever, if you are concerned with what is happening there when they visit. In fact - be home by supper can also turn into "Bring grandma with you!"
I would also talk to your husband - he probably has a few ideas of his own - practical ways you can deal with it. AND, he might even be able to HELP you talk to your mother. Philip has done this for me on occasion, and it is a real blessing, because family members recognize it comes from the married COUPLE, not just the daughter.
Those are some ideas - perhaps others have a clearer suggestion?
Just want to offer a thought. My best way to keep myself in check on how I should be treating my loved ones and friends in difficult situations is to imagine that the Lord may decide to take them the next day. Will I regret my last interaction with them or my last thoughts about them, or will I feel peace over how we have interacted?
I wish I used it more often, of course, because it always causes me to be more patient and to remain in the spirit of service to others. So I don't always do it, because I don't want to see the truth:). But it will highlight for me my motivations in those difficult situations in my daily life.
I have to force myself to do this with my husband, my kids, my neighbors, my parents-it always puts things into perspective for me. Not that we should be over-indulging them, but have we been honest with them? (I have a tendency to change things around in my head so that I consider I am always right, people should know where I'm coming from without me having to tell them and should act accordingly!-obviously I have a selfish tendency there to avoid being up front about things because it's just easier and feels nicer.-I'm working on this:))
My parents live far away and we don't get to see them much, so I spend my time telling the Lord that I need them around more...then I laugh because when they come to visit, I tell Him at times it would be ok if they went home now:).....but I hope this helps a bit.
Today I realized my 14 3/4 year old was almost 15. I realized I was on the downward cycle of family life at this point in my life. I realized I had her high school years coming up and then she would be off to university - off to living her own life. And I realized what a difference will occur in my life in just 3 or 4 short years.
So too - when our parents are older, there isn't much time left either, is there? Perhaps even looking at this as a phase of life - a phase which might regretably end way-too-soon, might help to focus on the present moment with one's extended family - and help it take on the importance it really does have. I speak from a perspective where my parents will eventually live their final years in a place other than where I live...
Years ago when I was working I had a boss who taught me to "schedule" my interuptions. I.E.leave a certain time available each day that you can flex with (I have a half hour I try to sit on the floor and play just before lunch - I will use this time about once a week to take care of phone calls or other things that come up). I have a dear friend who would call me at all hours during the day (obviously easier than a mother stopping by because I simply quit answering the phone- but this still may help you somewhat). I finally realized that if I called her then I could choose the time. So, I began calling her when prepping lunch, folding clothes, etc. She, in turn, called me much less. All in all, I now talk to her much less frequently but I think she is much happier because she sees someone reaching out to her - not just her reaching out. This particular friend is somewhat anti-homeschool because many of her friends have started homeschooling and no longer have time to chat on the phone.I think sometimes people just want to feel cared about and they are reaching out. Would it be possible to invite your Mom over for lunch on Monday, and then maybe she won't feel so lonely and compelled to stop by on Tuesday? Then maybe on Wed. you walk the kids down to her house for a quick visit (you could even leave some). But, that way you are in control of the length of the visit? Hope this helps..
Excellent, excellent ideas! Thank you for your input!
Holly
I base my daily schedule not so much on a timetable as on routines. I have my morning routine, my kitchen routine, afternoon, evening, etc. Plus then each day time is set aside for a different weekly chore. This allows me to be flexible but still get my things done.
Maybe your mom is just lonely. Ask her to stay to lunch instead of taking the kids. Maybe you can get something done while she visits with them. Then you can have time with her. Just imagine yourself at 84, and how would you want your little ones to treat you then?
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