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Dear Holly,
My husband and I are parents of three beautiful boys (7,5,3) and would love to have another child. I am having, and have had for a long time, that longing for another child. He does, too. Our problem is that we are caught between the realities of having another child in a very dangerous, spiritually bankrupt and expensive world (we live in Washington, DC) and just going with our feelings and trying to have another. I am 38, so there are no guarantees. We have high expectations of providing for our children both in money and time and don't want to "get greedy" in wanting what we want (another child -not material stuff) rather than providing for the three blessings that we already have.
My question: How do you know if the Lord is telling you to do the best with what you have or to continue to have children? Maybe the Lord is telling me that three is all I can handle. Sometimes I feel that way.
Labels: 4th P Parent
posted by Holly at 3:52 PM
12 Comments:
Population control gurus all over the world fear for the child too - from poverty to war to not having one' s own room - and they care to the point that murdering children thru abortion i considered more merciful than letting them live...
Our married vocation is a call to life - to support life, nurture life, give life. If you are to err, err on the side of life. Your entire vocation is meant to produce children for this world and the next. The desire of your heart is more an indication of God's call than a 'mere emotionalism'. God lives in the heart and speaks in the heart -
The norm in marriage is to be open to life, not to be closed. There are meant to be serious reasons for the postponement of a child, not inconvenience nor fear nor economic expectations of affluence.
I would suggest a real examination of what a child's 'needs' are - and a stepping outside of our culture to gain some perspective. It seems to me, that if two cars, tvs, vcrs, dvds, 2 story homes, new clothes and pizza & pop on Friday were the prerequisites for having another child, then most of the world's population ought not to be here -seeing as how 75% of them live in the Third World.
I believe the Lord is telling you, thru the very responsibilities and definition of your calling, to look to giving life much more than you look to prevent it. A good chat with your parish priest and husband will help discern whether serious reason for postponement of another child truly exists.
God's blessings upon you
I am a few years older than you and facing the prospect that there might be no more "next one." (We are blessed with four.) In recent years, it has struck me that among our older acquaintances, nobody ever says they should have had less children. Instead, when they tell of their grown children's marriages, careers,and even difficulties, I often hear "My only regret is that I wish now we had had more." They see our four and wonder what might have been.
Now I find myself envying the full quivers of families we know who have 8 or 11 children. As NFP instructors, the irony has not escaped us that we so often want what we do not have. Many times in one of our classes, an infertile couple desperate for a baby has sat next to one overwhelmed by another surprise pregnancy. Remember, you live in an area where there is tremendous pressure for worldly success-- power couples, Mcmansions, etc. Try to see past that to the eternal. This is the season you are called to bring forth life. Only Heaven can know how soon it will be over.
A final thought addressing your concerns about the three you have: Remember, by the time a new little one would arrive, barring a premature delivery, they would all be at least 9 months older! You know already how amazingly much young children can mature and pick up new skills in a few months. (Every day they are closer to the day they will leave you-- all you can do is restart the clock with a new baby!!) Finally, watching your boys' reactions to toddlers and babies might give you some insight. Surely, when there are not serious economic, health, or other reasons to postpone a pregnancy, children would gain, and not lose, should they be blessed by a new sibling.
I truly believe that another sibling is a greater gift to your children than any material possession that you could ever provide. Yes, there are basic necessities that we need to provide for our children's health and well-being, but today's expectations of what we must give our children far exceed food, shelter, clothing and medical care. I think we are bombarded with the notion that we are somehow cheating our children if they cannot participate in numerous activities, go on yearly vacations and "keep up" with classmates.
That being said, I have been in your situation, and prayer greatly helps. Also, if you can, try to read Christopher West's writings on JPII's "Theology of the Body." It really opened my eyes as to what married life is meant for, and opened my heart to another child. My 3rd child is almost 1 year old now, and I am hoping we can have another.
We have four children and I often end up talking to people with one or two children who can't see how I "do it" with four. I talk about our third child (3yo), born while my husband was deployed, and what a joy she brings to our family. I say what wonder we would have missed without her in our lives, her piety, her humor, her statements of obvious fact that make me laugh ever day. How I would have lost out on that if I had been content (or selfish) with two children. Now, I haven't talked about my fourth that way yet, because he is 16 mo and still in the high matenience phase, but perhaps it sparks a desire for another child or calms a mom who is expecting another child. I love all our children and am so blessed to have them.
Thank you, all, for such great comments (I am the original poster). They have been thought inspiring and kind. Please pray for us as we feel frozen in not being able to make this decision. We need a breakthrough and though I have been praying and fasting about this, I don't feel any change. I am thrilled that this website is here!!
I was in the same place two years ago that you are now. We had three children (2 boys and a girl). While agonizing about economy and time, we found ourselves pregnant. I was 39. We ended up with a beautiful set of twin girls. Sometimes it is hard but our daughter set my mind at ease. She is 14 and has said her sisters are more important to her than anything I could buy or do for her. Pope John Paul once said the best gift you can give your children are siblings. I believe it.
When I feel frozen about something, I consecrate myself to the Blessed Mother and ask her to make happen what God wants to have happen in me. Works every time.
Another particularly potent prayer - "Jesus, change my life!!!" I got pregnant every time I prayed this prayer, heh heh! :-)
Being open to life is difficult in our culture today. Our culture teaches us the end value of life is what you possess. As Catholics we know that is not true, but it is hard to be the one to drive to church in the oldest minivan, right?
Try to imagine being at the end of your life and look back. I bet you will see that our relationship to God and our families are the only things that endure and stand the test of time. In a few hundred years all of our possessions will be dust, right? But our relationships will be eternal if we are all in Heaven together.
Another child will help you grow in holiness as you are forced toward complete self donation in imitation of the lives of Christ and the Blessed Mother. Children seem to have the ability to draw me to the end of myself more quickly than anything else in this world. If you seek to become holy, being open to life is an express lane to intimacy with God if we surrender ourselves to service in His Name.
God bless.
I have 3 boys--ages 4, 2 1/2, and 10 mos. I, too, am anxious for another child, but my husband does not want anymore. We have so many obstacles against us. I am 40, and he is 51. He is very close to being furloughed at work. I feel selfish in wanting another baby--but I just can't seem to let it go. Holly's comment that our desires of the heart are from God has given me some hope. I will be open to life and just accept God's will.
(I am the original poster, again!)
Thank you all for your comments. I feel so supported and am feeling less "crazy" than I did before for wanting a fourth child. Please remember me in your prayers. I am going through a tough time in my prayer life because I have been praying about this for a long time and don't feel ANY answer - not a hint. There are other wrinkles in this that are too long to go into. All things are possible with God, I know that God is listening, and I know that all things happen in his time, but I am panicked about my age!! Thank you all for your tremendous support!!
Marianne
My husband and I have 8 children, the oldest,20 and the youngest, one year old tomorrow. I've personally gone through everything during the "having babies" phase. After #2, I was petrified to have another, and I remember asking permission from my mother-in-law to stop at 2 (that was wierd). By the grace of God, and learning more about my faith and the teachings of our Holy Church, and willing myself to "Be not afraid" and repeating to myself, "Jesus, I trust in you", we had our "joy" baby, #3, and I started to understand WHY we marrieds have children, not for ourselves, but for God and for the children themselves. It's a completely selfless endeavor. Of course it comes with a lot of wonderful "perks" for us, for our personal sanctification, for a richer life, etc. Comes with a lot of heartaches too, but that's life, and in that we trust in God also.
About ten years ago a holy priest advisor counseled me very seriously, after telling me how much God loved and honored me (I really needed that at that time too), that more than anything I needed Courage. And he told me that the Blessed Mother would help me aroung the house. And that God was really counting on me for something, what, I didnt know. Hubby and I remained joyfully open to life, and now here in central Iowa, where secularlism reigns, and kids seem to complicate ones "career", we, with our 8 beautiful children really stand out. People are impressed, either they say that we are truly crazy, or they are amazed. Either way, it makes them think. And, I am pro-active with a positive comment about my children or children in general. Living God's will takes courage,believe me, but this is what we are doing for God and we are letting him work out the details. And I'm OK with being the oddball family, cause I'm at peace with it all. God has done amazing things for me during my parenting career. Oh, I am 44 now and I really am not concerned too much with age. I'm trying to trust.
With tenderness I embrace your consternation and recognize some of myself in you. We never have full knowledge of God's will and must abandone ourselves to discern in prayer, time and living out our faith with hope and love. My husband and I did not conceive until I was 36, delivering at 37 with many surprise hospitalizations, care, and two emergency surgeries for me and one for the baby. Baby #2 brought three more surgeries, many more surprise stays in the hospital and one very healthy baby. None of this could be foreseen, and had we had foreknowledge of it, we would have surely hid from our vocations. Both of us are only kids and astound our parents. Thus we realize that our vocation is also in teaching this "way" of love through joyful sacrifice to our parents. They mourn that we do not live in a bigger house, have timely & hipper style or go out on the town to "live". We do not "shop" per say, have any inkling as to who anyone is for the Academy Awards or go on big vacations. This has been a stumbling block for friendship and particularly with closer and older connections who have chosen to have one or no children. To be lonely in the Lord is a blessing because it seats one in the center of where all things come from and where all things can be endured and rejoiced in. We keep a picture of Mother Teresa up to remind us that God did not ask us to be successful but to love much. How foriegn is the idea of just loving with what you have and who you are. There is no better example that flies in the face of entitlement that rules this culture and creeps into our homes. God bless your discernment process and thank you for opening up!
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