Help
With Your Rule
Husband Wishes Wife Would Do a "Mother's Rule"
Dear Holly,
I am a father of four children , ages 8 to 1. Our life has always been very disorderly - much of what we do as a family is very spontaneous. When I read your book last year, my eyes were filled with tears thanking God. I have taken extensive notes on your book and have even written up a set of "Dad's Rules" based on your book in regards to how I should love and care for my children. My wife posted it above the kitchen sink as a reminder. I truly want to jump into all of your suggestions.
The problem is that my wife continually refuses to read the book. She does not want to be tied down with a schedule. However, the stress has caught up with her this week in a way that rivals your turning point. She expresses her desperation to me, but she still can't bring herself to read the book or let me tell her the specifics of it. I took today off work to help, but all we were able to do was make a list of things that need to be done and make a draft family schedule to try-out. Unfortunately, she could not even look at the schedule. She feels that it is too intimidating, and told me that it would not work. She has asked me many times before to hire either a nanny or a housekeeper, but we simply cannot afford one.
I have always cooked all three meals, but with school I must attend now, she has to cook two dinners a week now. She dislikes cooking very much. She has always had an aversion to planning or reminiscence. She loves simplicity and believes that structure would force complexity into her life. I have not been able to convince her that structure would allow for more simplicity (i.e. religious life). Perhaps she needs to hear it from someone other than myself.
Labels: 3rd P Partner
posted by Holly at 7:46 PM
3 Comments:
Dear Hubby,
First off, let me tell you, you are not alone in wishing your wife would do a mother's rule. There are many men who share your desire because their homes are not in the best of shape.
But secondly, and that said, I think you could look at it in a couple of new ways.
Sometimes it is important for a person to hit rock bottom and have to be faced with their own decisions. When I finally opted for a rule, it was because I had no other option. Sort of like - when you have a toothache, you can avoid the dentist and avoid the dentist and avoid the dentist - but eventually, when the tooth absesses, you will be grateful for that dentist!
I think you have to let your wife decide for herself when she has to go to the dentist. And I think, as hard as it may be, you need to let her hit her own rock bottom. She is perfectly aware of what you have shared with her to date about MROL, and now, just put it in the bookshelf, and never mention it again. It has to be her decision. Your job will be to pray for her.
Also too, think about it a little more - when we see a young man called to the priesthood, the last thing we would do is barrage the boy with "You really ought to look at being a priest..." conversations. Instead, knowing that the flame could be blown out, you would tend to suggest it once, and then, let the Holy Spirit work on him - meanwhile praying.
I think here too - you need to avoid the danger of pressuring your wife to read or start MROL. There is a danger of being a male nag! There is a danger of turning her off MROL forever. There is the danger of making her feel pressured. There is also the danger of making her feel incompetent - suggesting that only Holly Pierlot's Mother's Rule of Life knows what it means to be a mother! :-) I think you need to step back, be quiet re her decisions, and let her be.
At the same time - I think you need to adopt in your life the male equivalent of living the 5 Ps. And I think you need to do this quietly but consistently. Your witness - your order - your intimacy with God - your peace - all these things will have their effect on your wife. You want her drawn to the 'reason for your hope' ... and when she eventually asks why you seem so peaceful compared to her - you can briefly share.
You arrange in your own life what you are called to do and be faithful to it. You will have to let your wife work out her vocation with God, like she is supposed to do. Where you come in is in praying for her, not directing her.
One last thing - in the event that your wife comes to you and begs your intervention but still will not look at what you are suggesting - I think it is only fair to tell her that while you are eager to help, you can't talk to someone who really isn't listening.
I'd tell her where the book is, and then let her go to it. I would avoid any long I'm-a-victim conversations. You do what you are supposed to do, and leave her responsibilities to her. Express your confidence in her ability to work it out in her own way - since your way isn't her thing...
In reading this dear mans email I couldn't help thinking, "Thank GOD I discovered MROL before my husband did." Had he suggested it to me I probably (sadly) would have outright rejected it. It is hard for a woman, who is naturally subject, to a man to always accept this subjection. When we first met my husband pressured me to pray the Divine Office with him. I would do it with my lips but rarely with my heart ( I am deeply ashamed to admit this). But it wasn't until I had a chance to adopt it on my own terms (and in many ways thanks to MROL) and do it on my own for morning prayer that I was able to make it my own and start praying with my heart. I know that this is foolish pride at work but I think when dealing with our spouses we have to acknowledge that this kind of pride we will always have with us! Have some sympathy for your wife because of her subjection and the special way in which the devil uses this and our pride against us. Pray to all the humble saints that are mentioned in the canon (eucharistic prayer #1) to help your wife humbly "discover" MROL on her own. I will pray for her too.
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