Help
With Your Rule
Struggling With Babies at Mass
Dear Holly,
I'm having a real conflict right now about the attendance of Mass and little children. I always believed that it was important, and set a good precedent, to have a family attend Mass together. Right now we have a little 10 month old who is seriously questioning that for me. When I bring him with me, my level of participation is so low as I'm constantly trying to entertain him and/or keep him quiet (the Church where we're attending right now doesn't have a cry room). Another factor is that he is such a distraction to other people around us, as they end up looking at 'the cute baby' and saying hi to him instead of concentrating on the Mass. In this situation, would you recommend switching off with your husband and going to Mass at separate times while the other stays home with the baby, or do you think it's better to try and make it work somehow?
Labels: 4th P Parent
posted by Holly at 9:46 AM
15 Comments:
I think the first thing that comes to mind is Jesus' words to "Let the little children come to me" in response to the apostle's angst about their presence and distraction and possibly noise level!
And at the same time, every Mom knows what you are saying! :-)
All I can do is share with you what our family has done and let you and your husband discern this.
Philip and I DID have occasions and short seasons of switching off Masses. But most normally, when the children were at an age when my ability to attend to the Mass and homily were severely compromised, I often attended another Saturday evening Mass by myself - so I could get out, get to confession and reflect on the Mass. The next day, at Sunday Mass, I didn't feel so deprived! :-)
But also, I had other ideas for helping children be more quiet during Mass. First, they could sit on Mummy or Daddy's laps and we'd alternate - I often scratched backs and rubbed heads to provide that warm fuzzy feeling and associate it with church! A bottle of milk or juice, or nursing was a good Mass activity for babies. But I also had chew toys stocked up in my purse or pocket, and just kept handing over the next one while putting away the first. I also had a small pocketful of cheerios or fruit loops and would hand over one at a time - altho I only used this with my first child :-) as the rest got too hyper!
For a little older child of toddler or preschool level, I would bring board books or normal books on religious themes. I'd have religious coloring books with a little container for crayons , and let the child sit on the kneeler (except during consecration and beyond when I required complete participation). And sometimes, just a pen and a piece of paper. In addition, some parishes offer Children's Liturgy for older children, and the children are evangelized at their own level - this is a good thing, in my opinion, and Mummy and Daddy can attend to the homily.
With all that said - if none of my attentiveness, whispering, nor physical holding stopped my child from totally hollering, I'd be seriously looking at switching off Masses - but for me, it would have to get to that point.
FYI, when I wanted to attend daily Mass and my children were all below the age of 6, I found I couldn't do it - I'd walk out of Mass far angrier than I went in! I truly felt it was more than I could handle to have the little ones all by myself. So I went for a number of years and didn't get to Mass during the week. I remember feeling deprived, but at the same time, my daily duty was top priority in this instance, as I could put God first in other ways.
Other Ideas: You could also ask that a crying room be built, or see if grandma wants to help out with child care during Mass time so you and husband can get to Mass together - for I think that is meant to be the norm - that the couple worship together.
And All in all, it is a decision you and your husband can discern and make, and I don't think there is a moral issue here in any way at this time. When your child reaches an age where there is understanding, then it would be a different thing I imagine. Your priest would know.
Any other Moms with church-hints re babies??? I am sure many of you have your ways of helping little ones be quiet.
I have five children, the oldest is 7. As you can well imagine I have had the same struggles. My husband and I have decided that the kids need to go to Mass as much as us - they also need a personal relationship with Jesus and I feel that the seeds that are planted by them attending Mass when they are little is a very big part of that. So here is what we do: We practice at home. They line up on the couch and sit properly and still, like they should at Mass while one of us reads a reading and "pretends" to be a lector. Then we talk about how much we love Jesus and our behaviour at church can show him how much we love Him. We have also taken the kids to church and had them sit properly in the pews and talked about proper behavior in church at a time when no one else was there. Then we let them go around and admire the statues and holy pictures. I also take crayons and coloring books, and also blank paper, having the little ones draw pictures of things they see in church. We also will sometimes go through a Mass book at home Sat evening or Sunday morning before going to Church and show the kids a special picture (like the Elevation, or a Lector reading ...) and get the kids to see if they can't spot that during Mass. At the moment my youngest is 17 months. I have a sling for her that I have used since she was a newborn. Although I do not have her in it at home as often anymore - she loves to go in her sling during Mass and nurse. Most of the time she will go to sleep. Some times though she wants nothing to do with it, so I let her down to doodle in a color book. I do not take cheerios as I find them too noisy, but I do take raisin boxes. They are very quiet, but be sure to pick up any that may fall on the floor, as they are messy if stepped on. When none of the above works to keep the baby or the toddler quiet, my husband or I will take the offender to the back (not the crying room). We stand in the back and whisper in heir ear that at church we need to be quiet and when they are quiet they can go back to their seat and be cuddled or colour of have their raisins and juice or whatever, but as long as they are disruptive they will be held in the back by us. I have even had to take very loud, angry child outside for a minute or two - never letting them out of my arms but telling them when they were quiet we would go back. My husband and I started this approach and not using the crying room when we discovered that our 3 year old was acting up deliberately to go there so he could play with the toys. We found that this helped them to understand that Mass is about being quiet and loving Jesus and not playing. I promise you that our Mass experiences are far from perfect and we have many Sundays when we wonder why we do it all, but I try to remind myself that this is a season - a season of little "blessings" that does not always add up to the perfect Mass experience. But we are doing what Jesus says. "Bring the little children to me". He always rewards us by giving us Himself. Even if we don't hear every word of the homily.
I am a convert and when I first started attending mass my kids were 1 and 3. We had only ever been to protestant churchs and my kids had only ever been babysat (in rooms full of really cool toys) durring church. I will never forget the third time I told them to mass with me, my 3 yr old son put one foot on each side of the door jam and screamed at the top of his lunges "I am not going in there!!!" If I could have gotten away with out anyone seeing me, I would have run for the hills.
Our church is very small (it does not have a cry room and you can only get into the pews from the middle) and I used to feal so bad about my kids being a distraction. Wheither they were being bad or being good they always seemed to be destracting someone. After Mass one day I was crying becouse I was so ashamed of my mothering skills! A 60+ year old women came around the corner and saw me. She knew what was wrong, and she read me the riot act. "Why are you crying about those kids, they acted just like kids! This is where kids are supposed to be, and you need to stop crying!" When I told her that I felt bad for distracting other people she said "As catholic people we are called to be a family, and when there is a baby in the family we grin at it, when something funny happens we laugh, when someone is bad, we should tell them to be good, and if anyone doesn't like kids being around, well they are family too, but they are the cranky old aunts who on one wants to talt too!" This gave me a real perspective, my kids are not only my own, they are also a part of the family of God, and as such they have a place at His table. It may be the kiddie table were perfect table manners are not expected, but they have been invited to the table of the Lord!
And by the way my kids are now 4 and 6 and they are very well behaved (for being 4 and 6), the six year old does all of the responses and prayers and my four year old is learning fast! My advise is read the readings for the mass that you attend with your child so you can at least have that for yourself, and occational Daily masses with out the kids helped me so much. But I also tryed to remember that how I felt about being at the mass (my emotion that arose becouse of my kids behavior) did not change to reality of the mass. I take great comfort in knowing that the saints and angels are also praying - I sometimes think of St. Monica standing by me at Mass finishing the prayers that I stoped in the middle of the catch the child who was falling off the pew or stoping them from giving a wet willy to the man in front of us.
God bless.
I can certainly identify with the struggles we have with infants and toddlers at Mass. I would prepare myself beforehand with a misselette that I was allowed to bring home then I would watch Mass on television with my son during the week if we didn't attend daily.
Doing so prepared both of us for the new (small)parsh without a cry room. Our former parish, which had a cry room was very noisy and distracting. I would leave not
even hearing the gospel. I was determined to get out of the cry room but needed to first prepare my 15month old son. We would go to the library daily and to mass daily--remember the rule "no talking in the library or the church" At mass we always sat up front,it seemed to capture my sons attention and I would never bring food, entertainment, books etc to Mass. Anything that could be thrown, dropped or played with was a mistake (for me). I could not leave them behind with a sitter.
I believe "Let the children come to me" no matter what. They are angelic souls pleasing to God... We can offer up all our trials with our little ones to the cross during mass... in this way we wil be purged and grow closer to Jesus. Another thought would be to ask your priest (beforehand) if he'd be willing to give your child a Eucharistic blessing when you go to receive Jesus. After a while your child will grow to anticipate and take part in this spiritually (even very young). There is much grace coming to us mothers, its what helps to bring us back.
When moments of grace would arise of possible crying etc.. I would closely hold my son and pray asking our Heavenly mother to assist us and caress her lil son, whom is consecrated to her. Never failing petition to our Blessed Mother.
Parents know their kids temper, so they (Parents) have to be HONEST when decide to take them to Mass.
It is absolutely unjust to distract other parishioners from the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass (many only go once a week). Besides those parents do not pay enough attention either and.....go to receive Holy Communion!!. This is not a mere routine.
I fully understand them but pls. read my first paragraph.
To the latest anonymous -
I think that we need to remember mercy with justice here. Kids are persons and are welcome at Mass - this is a given, and Jesus Himself reprimanded the apostles for trying to keep the children away from the adult-only gatherings.
I would suggest that, like you say, parents try very hard, honestly, to keep their children quiet and respectful of others - for I too believe that children are no excuse for not paying attention intentionally at Mass, nor for allowing the kids to run freely all over the church.
But at the same time, I think it calls for maturity on the part of other parishioners too - to discern that most Moms want their kdis settled and to be 'good' at Mass. Too often other attendees appear to blame and condemn in attitude and harrumphs and scowls the poor mother who just struggled to keep 3 little ones quiet - all because it wasn't 100% successful. I think it calls for give and take on all sides - as children will be children
Hi Holly, the same "latest anonymus": Guill.
I meant these situations:
"....I would suggest that, like you say, parents try very hard, honestly, to keep their children quiet and respectful of others - for I too believe that children are no excuse for not paying attention intentionally at Mass, nor for allowing the kids to run freely all over the church."
Mass is a gather with God and deserves full respect... as far as possible for children so they start learning too.
Children bring joyful to the Mass but there are special moments whitin.
Guill.
Lots of these comments point to the childs behavior in mass, but there is something else to consider: how does it impact you to spend your Mass in the cry room, or pacing at the back, or nervously trying to keep your children quiet? I found that I really struggled with the fact that I wasn't getting anything out of mass, not hearing the readings, not getting to pray, and since, as Holly said, daily mass is not doable for me right now, I really missed it. BUT I talked to my priest about it and everything has changed. Now, please excuse I don't mean to garble any theology, but here is what he told me: The Mass is for GOD, not for us! And we offer a sacrifice, and we can prayerfully offer the time in the vestibule with the baby as well, maybe even better, then we could offer the time in the pew, because it is truly a sacrifice! This priest said that he became a priest because he was in love with the mass, but he was so upset after his first mass -- he realized that he was "working" all through the mass and did not have time for the sort of contemplative prayer that he had as a mass goer. Then he realized that he could offer the best masses of his life that way, as long as he placed it all on the paten with Christ. So, I have been trying to do this, and it has helped me to be patient with the children as they are learning, and even to be patient with the parishioners who may be unsympathetic (although more often then not people are so nice about it). I just make sure that I am ALWAYS paying attention when I pray the following "Lord I am not worthy to recieve you, but only say the word and I shall be healed."
I have also set a time one time a month (for me, first fridays) when I go to mass BY MYSELF! That way I do get a chance to reconnect with participating in the consecration.
The other thing is, there are good weeks and bad weeks, but overall it keeps getting better, and my oldest (age 4) can now pretty much get through mass with no problems, so in the grand scheme this is a short time as long as there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
God Blesses your efforts!
Thank you for this latest comment. It actually answers something which has been bothering me lately - I do the music for our parish every Sunday Mass - and I feel like I am 'working' too - and unable to be as recollected as I was when I was just sitting. That I can 'offer' this, instead of feeling like I've lost something - this is a new and good idea. Thank you.
I agree with the last "anonymous"! When my oldest was just over a year, I was in the vestibule (AGAIN!) walking back and forth, wondering what was the point of it all. And I, in anger and frustration really, asked God why on earth I was even here, because clearly I wasn't getting anything out of Mass - I couldn't even hear what was going on - again! I was OVERWHELMED with the feeling that the reason I was there, was my daughter. She needed to learn, and she needed me to teach her. There would be time for ME later; now was the time to sacrifice to show her the importance of Mass, and respect for God. We have always brought our kids to Mass with us - we've now got 4 going on 5 - and people are constantly telling us how well-behaved our kids are (although they don't always seem so to us!) I think it helps to get to daily Mass, but it simply isn't always possible. More "practice time" for them. We also sometimes will get something special after Mass (stop by for a milkshake, a donut, etc.), but only for those who behaved themselves. Each kid has had to skip it, while watching their siblings enjoy. We do NOT do this every week - don't want them to behave just for a snack. But we make it clear that the snack is a treat, and we certainly cannot reward their poor behavior-no room for argument here. I/we also try to make it clear to them that acting up in Mass is wrong because they are not paying attention, and because they are distracting everyone around them. And then tie it back to "Look at what Jesus did for you. Certainly you can sit still for just a bit!" And by the way, my oldest is 10 1/2 now, and is tremendously respectful in Mass - it does end!
Praise God for that wonderful priest who reminded the mother that Mass was FOR GOD and not for us. It's not what we get out of it as much as an act of obedience and a desire to worship God the way he wants to be worshipped (as opposed to simply staying at home and praying on our own or concocting our own form of worship).
Recently, an ex-Catholic who works with my husband attended a Mass for his parents' anniversary and proclaimed it "BOOORRRING!" to a Protestant co-worker in front of my husband (intentionally, of course...blessed are the persecuted). My husband just pointed out that Catholics don't need all the special effects and hard-rock music that many Protestant churches seem to need to "get something out of it."
There have been a few times with my second child that I spent the Mass in the vestibule on the verge of tears wondering why I was even there. When Communion came, I was tempted to skip it because the child's temper tantrum had not ceased. I decided that I could not allow this child to prevent me from receiving Christ, so I waited until the end and carried a child loudly saying "NOOOOOOO!" quickly up the aisle and then immediately out after receiving the Host. I don't think that we should stay away from the Mass because of the children (finding a babysitter or switching masses with a husband is not always an option for many people). It is our primary job during these years to teach our children proper behavior. My second child is now 5 1/2 and he is usually very well behaved during Mass, so it doesn't last forever.
As a teacher, we did professional development on non-violent physical intervention which is a way to physically handle a child which is non-harmful in the event he is going to harm someone. I never hesitated to put my hand over a screaming child's mouth and say "No!" and tell them I would take it away when they stopped screaming. I don't think screaming is something we need to put up with in church.
Hello, we share your frustrations.
We have decided that going to Mass without the children is the best for our family. Two of our children attend the preschool and kindergarten Sunday school classes at our parish, which coincide with Mass time. Our baby (1 year old) goes to the nursery almost every Sunday. If one/more of the children are sick, we go to separate Masses. During the summer months, we almost always go to separate Masses.
I grew up in a large family and my mother did not take children to Mass until they were in first grade. And we all learned to behave FINE in church! My son will start going with us next year.
I support whatever choice you want to make! Just to let you know that separate Masses is a valid choice. There is no obligation for you to take your little ones to Mass. If separate Masses work better for your family, go for it!
I recieved a phone call from my daughter this morning. She was at morning Mass (Monday)with her sons, a four yr old and 9 month old. There were about 20 people present at Mass. Her 9 month old was babbling his little "da...da...da.. bu.." sound during the Eucharistic prayer and the priest stopped what he was doing and glared at her. He continued to glare at her until she got up and went out to the gathering space behind the glass doors. She was in tears for being made to feel that because of her child she was not welcome. This baby was babbling, not howling or crying. After Mass the priest told her he didn't blame the baby because he couldn't help it... In other words, he blamed the mother! I feel so much anger toward this man. Has anyone ever had this experience?
I have had a priest tell me that my 5 year old was too distracting- and I felt she was being good! The whole thing was terribly upsetting - to have a priest get upset and tell you you aren't doing your job as a mom and your kids are bad and he can't pray! (or so it SEEMS like he is saying this!!) It was difficult, so I understand the tears, the tremendous upset and the anger which will follow the tears.
For me , my husband talked with the priest. In the end, all was resolved, and I sat my kids and I behind other parishioners so we didn't stick out like a sore thumb! Still do to this day.
Let the little children come to me, said Jesus. And so, I do. Even tho at times it can be difficult. Even the apostles tried to shoo away the babies and children! When my kids were very little, I brought a bottle of juice (or nursed). I also changed parishes when I lived in a big city. At other times, I stayed home cuz I didn't feel I could keep them all quiet! So, there are different options.
As for the blame of the mother, there is only one option once the emotions have calmed. Forgiveness. And I know it feels really hard to do...
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