Help
With Your Rule
A Mother's Rule with an Irregular Schedule???
Dear Holly,
I have 3 boys, ages, almost 4, 2 1/2 and 8 mos. My problem is, my husband, who is a commercial pilot, is gone about 16 days a month, and home the rest. It is very hard to develop a rule becuz I'm on full-time when he's gone, and then when he comes home--things get in disarray--it's like another vegetable to the salad. He tries to stay on our schedule--and the kids are thrilled to have Dad home--but everything gets out of whack--I tend to lax a bit--and then have to psyche myself up for when he has to leave again.
We've looked into getting some part-time help for me while he is gone--but since his schedule changes every month, I can't find or keep anyone who can be that flexible--for example, I can't say I need someone MWF becuz he might be home those days--etc. I have found someone to assist with housecleaning every other Saturday--and then I have the alternating Saturday for my other heavy chores. I'm fortunate that financially, we are comfortable--but without extended family to help nearby in a pinch--and a husband who is gone--I am exhausted just keeping up with the day to day running of the house and feeding and caring for my children. Going to Mass and Confession is very difficult with 3 small children by myself. Any suggestions?
Labels: About a Rule of Life
posted by Holly at 2:19 PM
2 Comments:
Briefly, I think there are a number of things you can look at.
First off, I would be discussing this with my husband. If he is home 1/2 the month, I think he would be able to help out significantly with the work that needs to be cared for. Perhaps you need to do a work-division session with him, to see which things he can care for on his own time when he's home, and itemize exactly what you are responsible for whether he's there or not.
Secondly, I would still focus on essentials which need to be constant. Since you have to eat, I'd make my daily meal times the same no matter what. Since you need spiritual food too, I'd make my daily prayer the same time too - and I'd do it when I could have the children sleeping or napping or playing or whatever. I'd be nursing a baby during my prayer time. And I'd have the daily cleanup/chores the same every day too. With two lists - one for when Daddy was away and one for when Daddy was home - and have him tell you which chores he can handle when he's home to provide you with some relief from your only-adult days.
If you did this, then the other times of day can be more flexible depending on whether he's home or not. I'd still have a more tight schedule, ensuring all of the 5 Ps, for when hubby is away - it will only help you. And then when he's home, I wouldn't worry so much about story time at 11 a.m. But when he's gone, I'd want the structure.
I'd also look at my options for child care or housework support - perhaps hiring a Mummy's helper who comes in even when you ARE there - like a neighbourhood teenager or homeschooling 'tween'. These more flexible types of help can be just as good.
As for weekly cleans, you might also want to look at dividing up your bigger weekly chores into a more smaller daily format. Apparently, the Flylady has great ideas - visit www.flylady.com - for ways to do a lot, a little at a time.
I would also look around for other moms - perhaps your parish or local community center has info - who share your lot and see if you can't get to work at partial-child-swapping so you can get errands done or get to confession. As for Mass, even approaching your pastor if you feel Sunday Mass is too difficult alone - he might be able to hook you up with an older woman who would sit by you and help with the kids.
And pray! God has his intent for you and something in mind. Your prayer will help you tap into what He wants you to do...
I agree with Holly especially on the last portion, about "partial-child-swapping". Try to find other moms in your area who are in the same situation as you are (not necessarily with your husband's work schedule, but overwhelmed with trying to stick with a schedule when a major part of life varies so much).
Start out with maybe a weekly playdate, so you and she have some time to decompress and chat and maybe even pray while the kids play together, and then once everyone gets to know each other pretty well, consider, as Holly does with her friend Heidi, taking her kids for a couple of hours one week and letting her have some private time, and then alternating it the next week where you have some private time when she has your kids.
I have also been very impressed with FlyLady.net. She talks about taking "babysteps" and not making yourself overwhelmed by the enormity of getting the whole house under control. She recommends that you start out with shining your kitchen sink. You'll get a little personal sense of accomplishment with that, and a reluctance to let it get back to the mess it once was, so you'll begin to either wash that dish or put it in the dishwasher rather than just putting it in the sink to handle later. As you continue to maintain that, it will be easier to spread that orderliness throughout the room, because you're not consumed with that sink full of dirty dishes again. She also says that each room has a "kitchen sink", something that, when made to look well-kept, will help to give you that same sense of "something is right with this room" and make it easier to continue that, like making your bed every day. Everything she promotes is done in 15-minute increments, so you're not into drudgery all day long and you do get a sense of accomplishment with every little thing you do.
I started reading FlyLady's website a year ago and implementing her suggestions little-by-little, but it didn't really come together for me in my mind until I read Holly's book (MROL) and started to understand the MOTH method of scheduling each person and how the schedule doesn't have to be the same every day, and also about the priorities (the 5 P's). I am notorious about handling everything else and not taking care of me (for example, it's almost 1:30 in the afternoon here, and I still haven't really eaten anything but an apple today... I need to get off the computer and go eat lunch!!!)
I hope this perspective helps!
God bless!
Shan (shan@quixnet.net)
Post a Comment
<< Home