Help
With Your Rule
Battling Relatives
Dear Holly,
We have been homeschooling for a few years now and are experiencing much fruit. Although it took my husband some time to come on board, he now appreciates and is happy with our decision. However, we experience much resentment from family members who live near us and whose children attend the local Catholic school which also happens to be our parish. There is not a huge homeschooling community in our parish, which doesn't bother me, but when running into family members on a continuous basis who clearly do not support our "way of life" it adds so much stress to our marriage and family life. I say way of life because our parenting is radically different as well. We have been looking to move for quite some time, initially because we are growing out of our house, but now I feel and strongly desire to move so that we can be the family God desires us to be without the need to "battle" and feel like such "oddballs." There are bigger issues here, specifically in our marriage that we are working on. But I find it extremely difficult to focus on my immediate family in addition to dealing with the demands of unsatisfied family members. Any advice?
Labels: Homeschooling
posted by Holly at 10:33 AM
3 Comments:
"A man shall leave his parents and a woman leave her home... they shall travel on to where the two become as one..." (A John Michael Talbot song based on Scripture's view of marriage....)
When Philip and I were getting married, a priest counselled us to establish our independance as a couple from the very start - and suggested we even look at moving, to break the existing habits and bonds with family if relatives were pushy or interfering. He felt that marriage brought about changes, not just for the couple, but for the relatives involved - as both the married couple and the families of origin needed to understand the significance of the new relationship - and to let go of 'childish ways' or previous ways of relating which were based on the immaturity of the young - who are now adults!
There is a primacy of the married commitment over all other ties.
Philip and I moved clear across the country - for two years - which broke any tendency of anyone thinking they could tell us how to live our marriage. And when we moved back, the break had been made, and no one really bothered to hassle us at all!
So, I think that not only are your decisions to homeschool and your parenting styles something that it is your right and duty and privledge to discern, but I also see the right and need to remove oneself from interfering relatives. Some time people just do not know the appropriate boundaries toward a mature married couple. It may even be a duty if it is causing scandal to your own children.
Follow your heart, in agreement with your husband. And if you can't move, just begin to ignore unwanted comments - there is no obligation for you to listen to them, nor to justify your married decisions to anyone in the whole world. Only in the next world... :-)
Be at peace!
We've had the same problems because we've always lived by either my family or my husband's. Six weeks ago we moved about 40 minutes from my parents (used to be 10 minutes) but I will tell you that the "leaving and cleaving" happened a few years ago, even though we lived near by. First, because of other circumstances we stopped attending the same church. That helped a lot because our authority was constantly being challenged during the church service (i.e., Grandpa would hold a child we said was old enough to stand on her own, Grandma would bring candy even though we asked her not to, etc.) Also, we stopped discussing child-rearing matters with anyone who feels they have a right to direct the way we bring up our children. We tried not to be rude but we really didn't bother with trying to explain our position any more. They know our position and don't agree. We know theirs, too! We are very careful to only speak of Grandpa and Grandma as people who love our children very much in our kids' presence. We are defenitely the "oddballs" too, no matter which side of the family we're with. The way we dress, our views on marriage and family, our pro-life with no excuses convictions, these all are offensive to our relatives (which all claim to love God and believe the same things we do). As Holly said, this one will only be resolved in heaven! Christ was misunderstood, we will be misunderstood. It used to really get to me. I used to need "a good cry" after any family gatherings. But now I've learned to offer it up as a sweet-smelling sacrifice to the Lord. The prayer of St. Francis (Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace...) has helped me many time. God bless your heart.
Move away for a time-- you will never be your best selves while forced to be continually hospitable to those who feel threatened by your parenting style.
When my husband and I married, his family was all around us, and they are very different from my family. Most of them were fairly hostile to my way of doing things. Some still are. The best thing to happen to our marriage was to move away.
You don't want your husband forced to choose sides continually, and though no one will SAY that's what is happening, it is. Try to avoid hosting them in your house-- moving away makes it more impractical for them to visit you (if it's long distance). If you are moving to within two or three hours, try to encourage every-other-month visits for part of a day and show them the town (zoo, picnic in the park, etc).
All the people I've talked to about it say they have unresolved issues with their families-in-law. Usually about cooking, housekeeping, schooling, religion, money, and discipline. If they aren't in your house, and you're in a public place with something to do, it's harder for them to find a reason to get a full head of steam going.
God bless, and I know it's hard to do, but pray for them. It's hard to stay upset at people for whom you're continually praying. It also helps me defuse mentally after particularly rough conversations or visits if I thank God for the opportunity the family members provided for me to learn patience, charity, and humility. Praying that is very hard, but helps me to laugh and not ruin my children's relationship with that side of the family.
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