Help
With Your Rule
The Role of Extended Family
Dear Holly and any other moms,
What's your opinion on the role that extended family should play in raising our little ones? We live in Illinois and have no family here at all. I have great Catholic friends, but they are all busy raising their families, too. Everyday there are moments when I think "What I'd give for a Grandma right now! Just for a half hour!" That would make a huge difference in my Rule. And the grandparents are missing our kids, too. I'm torn between knowing that families are meant to support each other, and the fact that I also need the freedom to raise my children the way I want to, and that my husband needs to work where a good job is available so I can stay at home.
Labels: Miscellaneous
posted by Holly at 9:51 AM
4 Comments:
I don't think you are alone in missing the presence and support of extended family. I know that has been a cross for me as well.
It would be ideal for grandparents to live in close proximity and be in regular contact with the children. I believe fostering these relationships is very important - not only for the interaction of the generations, the additional love of grandparent for the child, but also hopefully that the grandparents live and witness the same culture that the parents are trying to instill in the children, and thus the 'living of the faith' is not something 'just Mummy does'.
But at the same time, we also live in a culture of 'liberated' grandparents - I have known so many women who's mother or in-laws have nothing to do with the grandchildren, and they may live just down the street! It is a sad thing, and not something I think God had in mind at Creation...
So, in your case, where close contact is impossible, you might want to try fostering the relationship by keeping in touch - having the children mail cards, send the occasional photo, do emails & phone calls on a regular basis. This helps a great deal.
And as for counting on other mothers - yes, we all need to live our own family lives, and there is an autonomy there which ought to be maintained. But it is also possible, like I have done, to arrange short and reasonable times when close friends can 'swap children' - on Wednesday's, my friend Heidi and I swap children, which give the kids a social time as well as some space for Mummy, alternating back and forth. My sister-in-law also swaps with me on Friday afternoons, so one week I have my nephews, and the next she takes all of mine. This works well.
The one thing I would caution though - is to keep it short! Something that is manageable, otherwise you will all burn out. Here, we used to try whole days, but we'd all get too tired and stop for weeks at a time. Settling on the short 'afternoon' thing was something we could easily maintain with little stress, and we've been on this 'schedule' together for over 2 straight years, summer and winter.
I really identify with this comment. My parents are still raising my sisters, who are both off to college in the fall. One of them is disabled, so my mom is always busy with her. My husband's parents, esp. his mom, are overly critical in front of the kids, so we limit contact with them severely. But there are times I sure wish I had that support. A lot of homeschooling groups will do these things for each other once they get to know each other. Perhaps that might help? Good luck, and know you are not alone.
I read this post and just had to give my two cents.
My husband’s parents really do live a few streets away from us and they do not come over at all to our home. The only time they visit their grandchildren is when my husband and I bring them over for a visit. I never leave my children over at their home with out myself or their dad with them.
I have tried once letting the kids go over another catholic home schooling families' house without me. However, they came back needing to be de-programmed of rude language. Even with Grand parents, they often say things that go against what we are trying to instill in them. My husband's solution for maintaining my sanity is for me to have a day off, once a month where I get away for a few hours alone. It has helped tremendously and I feel more energized.
Dóminus vobíscum,
MDM
My parents have always lived at least a day's drive away, so time with them is limited. They miss their grandkids a lot. My in-laws used to live only 20 minutes away, but unfortunately, they were very caught up in their own lives and only managed to see the kids on birthdays and holidays and an occasional free afternoon. Now that we've moved a few hours away, they seem to realize what they've lost.
Personally, I hope to be a big part of my own grandkids' lives (in 20 years or so!) and think that the days where extended families lived together or nearby were ideal. My sister and I make every effort to get our kids together to foster the relationships between cousins and really wish we lived next door to each other to provide support and encouragement. It's nice to have sisters, moms, or close friends to turn to when you need to take a sick child to the doctor suddenly or some other emergency comes up.
If part of your desire to have relatives nearby is to give you a chance to breathe, and kid-swapping, as Holly suggested, isn't possible, perhaps there is a neighborhood girl who could be a mother's helper. I've found that girls between the ages of 9 and 11 will work for $1-$2 an hour (while you are home) and are a source of endless amusement for preschoolers and toddlers. I'm assuming that your own children are very young.
And don't think that your Catholic friends are too busy raising their own families. I had to take my daughter to the emergency room once and desperately started calling ANYONE on my caller ID to try to find someone to watch my older sons so that I wouldn't drag the whole family to the hospital. The only friend who happened to be home was happy to help, and we both discovered that her sons and my sons got along really well and from then on realized we could help each other by swapping kids or at least having some playdates so we could have some grownup conversations while the kids played.
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