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With Your Rule
Dealing with a "Spoiled" Child
Dear Holly,
One concern I have is that, despite our best efforts at not giving into our childrens' every want, they seem to me somewhat, if you will, (and I cringe at the thought of even writing it), spoiled. My oldest daughter, 8, seems especially afflicted with covetousness and jealousy and seems generally unhappy. I pray over the situation but I am never sure how to react when she cries because she can't have horse riding lessons or an inground pool and so on. I am not very patient in this area partly because I worry about her ability to enjoy life. Do you have any advice in this area?
Labels: 4th P Parent
posted by Holly at 11:18 AM
4 Comments:
Since you say you are very careful to not give in to every whim and want, I would wonder if your child is 'spoiled' or just a 'child'! :-) The way I figure it - kids have an innate sense about what is good and fun and exciting, and it is pretty natural for them to want it - our wills are attracted by the good! So, your daughter's behavior sounds pretty normal to me - just like a couple of my kids!
Secondly though, spoiling is possible - in little ways - and I often wonder if our entire culture doesn't promote this somewhat anyway - we mostly have a roof over our heads; lots of clothes; lots of toys; lots of food; tvs and computers and VCRs and bikes and balls and books.... We all have so much stuff and few really deny themselves like Third World people do. So I think just the easy access to 'stuff' alone causes some of this in our children and in ourselves.
As I wrote in MROL, I too have known petulance when I can't get what I want, and it is sometimes only to go and ponder that Third World poster that I can pull my heart out of it. So, given that adults struggle with this, what more can we expect from our children?
For me, I try to keep my children centered by having chores be regular - showing them that work is more a reality of life than excitement. I try to keep the TV off as much as possible as I find it overstimulates them - so too for computer games and toys, and other flashy battery toys. By keeping prayer and other routines fairly normal, they learn that life is about more than fun.
But at the same time, I provide fun and social activities, and if possible, instead of saying "No" all the time, try to say "Good idea - perhaps we can do this when you're older..."
Dr Conrad Baars in Feeling and Healing Your Emotions talks about not providing things for children until they have a chance to desire it - that giving them too much when they haven't even wanted it is what leads to not appreciating it when they get it. It is better to limit toys - even packing away what you have and bringing our different ones every week - than to have everything sitting out in the open and the child has too many choices. I remember in my family as a child, we only got presents on our birthdays and at Christmas - it was a rare thing to get toys during the rest of the year - I think there was wisdom in that.
I also tell my children - "Listen - this is a 'special' event - aren't we lucky to get to do this 'every now and then'... and when really whiney times come, I have to teach them that excitement is not the meaning of life... and I usually reduce all extra exciting things until their heart tames. Prayer is good for this too.
As for a child crying because she can't have horse lessons at 8 years old - I usually just point out that we are not made of money, that God has provided enough for our food and clothes and home and and and... and sometimes I pull out my poster of children in the Third World - show them what life is like for 75% of the world's population - and then encourage them to be grateful for what they DO have... It works for me, and it works for them...
Does this help at all?
I was just reading some stuff last night about Maria Montessori, Catholic educator - I think you might want to check out her thinking as she had some pretty definite insights into chidlren and spoiling. Sorry - I'm on my way to the library today - so I can't recommend any particular book yet - but I'll try to get back to you!
I just wanted to add that I have noticed children picking up on their parents' weak points--mine know I wantthem to have more time to play, my friend's knows that she is more likely to give in when others are around, stuff like that. I have learned to check *my* attitude when these types of things come up.
HTH
Very true Philothea! I found this re television- it wasn't the children who were demanding it or glued to it - it was ME who kept wanting to put them in front of it. TV withdrawl was MY problem - once that was solved, the kids never blinked about no tv until after supper... :-)
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