Help
With Your Rule
Attachment Parenting & A Mother's Rule
Dear Holly,
We practice attachment parenting and ecological breastfeeding which includes feeding on demand and minimal separation of mother and baby (for a couple of years, in our family). I have not yet found a book along the lines of MROL that was written from this perspective. MOTH (Managers of Their Homes) included a breastfeeding schedule (not demand feeding), and in MROL, there is discussion about leaving the kids (presumably including the baby) with dad for an entire day so that mom can get out for a break. So I am curious as to whether there are any mothers out there who have actually been able to make progress toward a family schedule or toward increasing time meant for Person or Partner when they are also trying to ecologically breastfeed.
Labels: 4th P Parent
posted by Holly at 11:08 AM
14 Comments:
I have heard that attachment parenting means that you feed the baby on demand until he's two or three years old; that you pick him up whenever he cries or wants you; that your remain physically bonded as a main goal in your daily life. In all honesty, it seems to me that the 4th P - parent - takes precedence over other Ps.
Personally, I find this method of parenting difficult to understand given that I have other responsibilities in my life and honestly don't know what to say, except that try your best to get in your prayer, husband time, other children and housework around the demands of your little one.
And btw, re my Mother's Sabbath - I had them for a few years before my rule & I took my babies with me on my days out until they were grown enough to be left with Philip.
Any other mothers out there doing attachment parenting and still accomplishing your other Ps well? If so, maybe you can share with the reader how you do it to make up for my ignorance here...
Well, I can't say that I totally have my "rule" down yet, but I do think I've been making progress on my 4 "P"s. We consider ourselves "attachment" parents, too, and I actually don't find it hinders my rule at all. Now, my youngest is 2.5 (think I'm pregnant with #5, actually, we'll see in a week or two), so I haven't worked on the rule with a baby yet. But, I do have a few suggestions on balancing the "p"s while practicing ecological breastfeeding and attachment parenting.
1) Remember that the "rule" is *yours*. Just because Holly needed a day-long Mother's Sabbath doesn't neccesarily mean that *you* have to have one. Personally I absolutely need some sort of "Mother's Sabbath" - but what dh and I have worked out involves me going to the corner coffee shop for an hour or two, once (or occasionally twice) a week. I also try to sneak in some time to myself by shutting my bedroom door while dh gives the kids their bath in the evenings - I get about 30 minutes to myself each day to focus on the First and Second "Ps". Seems like both thess ideas would work, even with a very young baby. Once they get out of the newborn stage and become a bit more predicatable in their nursing, it would be easy to run out for an hour or even two, especially if you don't go far and have a cell phone handy. I am a committed Adorer at our perpetual Adoration chapel for one hour a week - even with a very young baby, I think it'll be possible to continue that - it's only about 80 minutes, even with travel time. Remember that dad is an attachment parent, too, even for a nursing baby!
2) To help work on our 3rd "P", we like to have a "date night". But, because we don't like to leave the kids with just anyone, we have an "in-house" date night. With really young kids, you could just stay up late one night - put the kids to bed, and then have a nice, special candle-lit dinner. For us, our oldest is almost 8.5 and very responsible, so we go up to our room, shut our door, have a picnic dinner on the floor (with candles!) while oldest ds keeps an eye on his 3 younger brothers. The kids get some fun kid food (like chicken nuggets or pizza, which they don't often have), and a movie to watch, and we get some quiet together time while still being available for any crisis that might come up. We only take an hour or so every other week, but it has been *such* a blessing to our marriage!
3) Nursing time is *very* conducive to prayer and mediation! I like to pray the rosary while I'm nursing my toddler to sleep, and there's nothing like nursing to force you to take a rest and meditate on Jesus' childhood with Mary and Joseph.
4) Slings can be a life-saver - it's pretty easy to hold an infant in the sling and, say, run the vacuum or dust the shelves!
I guess I really don't see attachment parenting to be at all a hinderance to a Mother's Rule. I don't really see me as trying to "fit in" my other Ps "around the demands" of my little ones. They are a natural part of my life, and their needs are incorporated into my rule! I don't ignore my other Ps because my younger child needs me, I just adjust the timing and duration that I do things. I think that you need to be a lot more *flexible* in your rule (some days you might have a mother's outing "scheduled", but it's a growth spurt time and there's just no way you're leaving - no biggie, make it up next week!), and perhaps a bit more creative (as in, doing more stuff at home rather than going *out*).
Sorry this is so long, it's just a subject near and dear to my heart!
-MamaJen
Thank you Mama Jen for your input! You have some great ideas here.
I know for me, when I have a new baby, the first 6 months are always very baby focused - I just wasn't sure with attachment parenting how you do it with a toddler. And sometimes, I have found 2 year olds fairly demanding of Mummy's attention so mummy can't even get supper cooked - I have wondered how attachment parenting actually works in that type of situation. I would just put a child beside me in a highchair and some toys and talk to him - not pick him up.
Perhaps there is a 'balance' even in attachment parenting - not an extreme attention to the child without paying attention to anything else? And if that's the case, isn't attachment parenting just plain old love and affection and attention?
One more thing - if attachment parenting means constant physical bonding for over two years, when the child or your back outgrow the sling, what do you do? Thanks for answering MY questions here! :-)
In fact, heh heh ... you know what I'd really like? I'd like someone to email me the main principles of attachment parenting and tell me what the basic tenets are... I don't have time to read a whole book, but I sure would like to understand it better. And I also have some questions! So, if anyone feels up to it, email! Thanks!
I also am working very hard at maintaining a Rule and attachment parenting. The first thing I had to do was take out the TIME progression and work towards an ORDER progression. Please see another post on this. I also find it hard now that my 14 month old is bigger and heavier so a long time in the sling does hurt my back after a while. It was easier when she was little. She pretty much lived in the sling, and we were both happy with her there. I have a friend who just invested in a type of sling that you can put baby on your back. I heard that these are great for older babies who still need contact with mommy a lot. Personally, I think that a MROL and attachment parenting go very well together. Remember you are first a daughter of God, then a wife, then a parent, then a teacher / housekeeper / worker... keeping the P's in priority are essential. It does mean that you have to be flexible. There are days when I don't get a lot of housework done the way I would like because my kids just need me to be there for them. So we do things that we can all do together. I think it is important to have a basic schedule so you know what you would like to do if all goes smoothly. But it is a guide. There is also the Spirit of the Rule. I think that attachment parenting can help you fulfil all that JPII talks about in his theology of the body. We are called to be gifts of love to others. This extends to God; to spouse; to kids;to the community (in that order) By attachment parenting we can give our bodies in love to our children by wearing them in the sling and extended breast feeding and putting aside what we would like to do in order to take care of the unexpected that comes along a lot when you have little kids. Sometimes it is hard - that is when we have to lie down our own lives and take up the beautiful cross that God gives to mothers. A wise woman once said to me that we have such a short time to learn all the things that God wants to teach us while our children are little. It really is such a short time when you look at the big picture. The Sacraments are essential. I take my Mother's Sabboth by going to First Friday Devotions at our Parish. I go to confession and Mass. then I stay in the church and visit with the Lord for a while before I go to my adoration hour. I am gone from the house for about three hours and my dh takes care of the baby while I am gone. If she gets too cranky for him, he wears her in the sling. I think he treasures these times with her because any other time she is attached to me and he doesn't get a lot of time with her. I know I have gone on and on, this is a subject near and dear to my heart as well. I definatly do not want to sound like I have it all perfect because I do not. I struggle with trying to do all God asks of me. I love the ideas that mamajen had and I would love to hear more...I have 4 other children besides the baby, so we need all the help we can get. God Bless you all!!
Thank you Marie for your post! Carry on ladies - you who do attachment parenting - here is a good spot for you to help each other! Great!
What a great question. I had been pondering this as well. I have found attachment parenting and MROL to blend as well. I have a schedule with lots of flexibility. For example, in the morning I try to clean up one room, spend play time with my 7 month old and have some computer/study/prayer time for me. Then the same in the afternoon. It's more a list of "to dos" then a schedule, I guess. But it's similar in that I try to do something for each P each day. It gives me the flexibility to be there for DD or DH (when he gets home). I do have but one blessing right now, but I think it'll be different, but the same with any future blessing. The sling is invaluable. Although, I do have safe places to put DD down on occaision. She's only 7 months, but weighs 25 lbs. And she does sit next to me when I am working on the computer. I don't thik this is against attachment parenting to put the baby beside you and talk to her while you work on finances or whatever. You're still addressing her need of contact and closeness.
The best place for quick information on AP is http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/t130100.asp It's a list of FAQs with answers.
The 7 Baby Bs of attachment parenting: 1. Birth bonding 2. Breastfeeding 3. Babywearing 4. Bedding close to baby 5. Belief in the language value of your baby's cry. 6. Beware of baby trainers 7. Balance.
I also wanted to point out how important ecological breastfeeding is. It's the best way to space babies, and highly recommended by The Couple to Couple League who also support AP, http://www.ccli.org/.
Hope this information is helpful.
Thanks Julie
I'll hop onto that website and check out the FAQs
God Bless
You may want to visit the Mothering With Grace discussion board:
http://tinyurl.com/d5jmp
Great place to learn about attachment parenting, and it is for Catholic Mothers!
Enjoy and God bless,
Lisa Marie
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Betsy was kind enough to send me the basic tenants of attachment parenting.
So basically, as I understand it, attachment parenting is interested in the person of the child - as any parent ought to be - and one of the main tenants of this is the physical nurturing of the child - through touch and physical closeness - it aids the child in feeling secure and safe and has psychological benefits. I think this is fine, and I think too, like anything else, needs balance. So I see that each parent can choose what he/she believes his/her particular child needs, and do not see the sleeping together issue as mandatory but a choice.
I really like the notion of physical touch as a 'message' to the child - a physical affirmation of what the heart is showing to the child - love - is totally healthy and ties in so closely with what we try to do in prayer - our bodies pray by kneeling and making the sign of the cross etc as an outward expression of our inner attention and love for God. So too, the physical must be manifested toward our children too. This basic premise is sound and good. All parents are called to physically manifest tenderness to each child as per their needs. Thanks for the info.
Hi there. I just wanted to add my 2 cents about attachment parenting. Although slings and breastfeeding and sleeping with your child can be outward signs and tools used in attachment parenting, to me, attachment parenting is more a spirit than these actual physical practices. Except for the breastfeeding, all these outward manifestations of attachmnent parenting aren't necessary to it. They are just helps to it.
Attachment parenting, if done in the true spirit, will eventually produce a child who is independent and needs you less and less. If the child has been permitted to come to the mother, and not pushed away, they become pretty independent by the time they are three years old. If the child senses a "pushing away" they become more clingy. (Doesn't that happen with a wife and a husband. If we feel we need attention from our husband's and they push us away, doesn't the need increase? And if they just tend to that need, don't we feel refreshed and able to carry on independently?)
It is the opposite of what I like to call "detachment parenting." Many people practice "detachment parenting" and begin teaching their child from the first moment that they must detach and be independent because Mommy and Daddy need freedom to pursue things other than the child.
Attachment is going to happen no matter what, because it is in the child's nature to become attached. Starting out, they are weak and helpless, and must attach themselves to something in order to survive. Attachment parenting means allowing the natural attachment to happen and allowing it to happen with the mother and father, as opposed to attaching to a nanny, pacifier, television set, odd behavior, or later on to inappropriate friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, etc...
If the attachment needs of the very small baby are met, the baby will feel safe, and move through natural progression to an eventual state of independence that is stronger than if one tries to force the child into this stage prematurely and unnaturally.
I believe that the spirit of attachment parenting can coexist nicely with a schedule and rule of life if it is properly understood. In fact, a baby attached to a mother living a rule like this will absorb this rule in a natural way. A baby attached to a mother living a life of chaos will pick up the disorganization and confusion. We do want the person to whom the child is attached to be in order themselves, after all. For example, we wouldn't hire a nanny who was confused, disorganized, scatter-brained, lacking in self-discipline, slovenly, random and haphazard
I have read only a little about attachment parenting, but I see the underlying attention to the child and his/her needs as a call to all parents who are trying to love their children. I don't see this as specific only to attachment parenting. We're all called to love our children and be available, attentive - that's normal.
I also don't think parents can be divided superficially into those who attach and those who detach. We're all unique persons who love according to our individual personality. I usually try to avoid labels about these things as much as possible.
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