Help
With Your Rule
Don't Wanna Be a "Mean Mama"
Dear Holly,
I am struggling a bit with the schedule and chore charts. My first question is " What do you actually say? " What are the actual words you say to your kids to get them going on their chores? I normally have obedient kids. But they seem to be in another world when I say "Chore time!", like they don't think I'm serious! I'll say it's time to do your chores or go do your chores and some do, some don't and some do a little of their chores. Mostly it seems they ignore me. For it to get done I have to become "Mean Mama".
Labels: 4th P Parent
posted by Holly at 1:30 PM
7 Comments:
Hey Mean Mama!
I can't help but chuckle - been there, done that! But there are some tricks to the trade I can share with you, which I learned as a teacher:
1. Convince Yourself it it Chore Time!
Sounds strange I know, but, when 'you' have the firm determination that it really IS chore time - and that you are willing to make sure - your kids will 'know' that Mama means business.
I refered to this in Mother's Rule of Life: Mummy must mean what she says and be willing to enforce it. Kids have a sixth sense about whether Mummy is so determined that's she's going to follow them around if they don't do it!
2. Follow them around if you have to!
So now we get to Part II - supervise. The first month or so - your main job during chore time is to 'ensure they do it'. You can be sweet. You can smile. You can praise. You don't have to be mean. You can just know that they are doing nothing else until that job is done , and done well, and that you have nothing better in the whole world than to watch them do it!
Your role becomes that of supervisor. There are times when you will be able to lessen your supervision, but with children, you will inevitably need to pick it back up again - because human nature and childhood are both very inconsistent.
These are the steps I take:
3. Get Their Attention First
I usually call all my children to where I am - "I want all my children in the kitchen please!" I bellow from downstairs to upstairs or outside. Then I wait until they ALL arrive and they wait with me. Then I say "I need your complete attention". Then I wait until I have it. And I stop speaking if they start to look away and stare at them til they pay attention again!
4. Be Very Clear in Your Instructions
Make sure they have heard you and understand. So I say "When I am done speaking, I want you to do a,b,c - here's your chart....etc" Then I say to a child - "OK, what did I say?" (I usually ask the one who I am pretty sure didn't really listen!) And if he/she can repeat back to me the instructions, I figure all of them know it too, and I let them carry on. If not, I have the others tell him/her what to do. I then fill in any gaps for all of them.
5. Get their consent.
So I then say "OK, are you going to do this now?" And I wait until each child says YES. And I mean 'each' child! And I do 'wait'. Their consent is important - like a ittle verbal contract which I can hold them to...
6. They Tell You When They're Done
Have them report back to you for you to check.
BEfore they leave I say "Come back to me when you think you are finished and I will check!" and they are to do this BEFORE moving on to any other thing.
7, And then Check!
If it's done correctly, praise them to pieces! If it's not done, tell them to hurry up so you can check it when they're done and repeat the above process.
I do this all the time. It works. It's stress free. Mean Mama moves out of the home...
:-)
I see the value in all you say.Before I read your response I had asked my husband to help reinforce what I expected the kids to do. He is willing and wants to see their charts and computer wiz that he is he will have a nice organized paper for each one. I believe it will help when I gather all the children for their chore lecture. He said he can look to see if the chore has been done or not and question the child. This will be a big help with the boys who are getting some outside chores to do. I will look forward to seeing how it all orks out.
Good! Enlisting Daddy's active participation will go a long way in your family!
Hi Holly and Mean Mama!
My oldest is only just 7, so we don't have hard chores here - mainly just "time to put toys away" and I try not to let rooms go all day long before tidying because then they are just overwhelmingly messy. But I've had much success with "gates" like skiers have to go through when racing down the mountainside. In other words, no lunch will be served to uncooperative children (eventually they get hungry enough to get to work). No afternoon TV time or outside play for ANYONE until the chores are done. No story-time before bed until PJs are on, teeth brushed and laundry is in hampers...and if they dally too long, then story-time ends with no story read. I've had a lot of success with this (but, boy do I feel like a mean mama when I see the moping look of my "starving" children who feel they can't possibly hang up their jackets before lunch for fear of fainting from hunger)! And yes, actually standing over young children - especially boys - to ensure their success is often necessary. Sometimes my sons really need someone to break up a big task into smaller pieces: first, put books back on the shelf, next, put blocks in the bucket, then put shoes in the closet.
I believe supervision is the key. Today afer a family talk to get busy I found my 10 and 11 year old playing cards on the floor behind the bed.(bed was not made). It didn't take long for them to know I meant business. If I hadn't checked on them nothing would have got done.
I also withhold bedtime stories for a messy room. It doesn't work too well for me. Maybe it's because she is younger(age 5). Whats with the drawers? They are always open. She is one of those girls that like to change all day long. She is the youngest of 4 girls that did not do it. Drives me crazy.
Michelle - your children's 'moping eyes' made me chuckle!
This brings up something else I learned as a teacher - that it's the positive motivation that works best, as opposed to 'getting into trouble' - I have implemented this in my home as well:
Always connect a negative task to a positive one - so tidy up comes just before snack time; kitchen clean up before free time; housecleaning before Friday video with pop and chips. This way, they have something 'forward-looking' to latch onto - kind of like us with heaven. And isn't Heaven a better motivator than the threats of hell? :-)
Holly - I laughed when I read your tricks of the trade as a teacher...because this is EXACTLY what my father used to do with us and it WORKED! Get our attention, be very clear and precise, get our consent and then report back to him when we were finished. My father was very strict and expected a lot, but interestly enough, I can think of only 2 or 3 times when he completely lost it with us (there were 5 children). Your steps are very helpful!
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