Help
With Your Rule
Do I Keep my Baby in My Bed to Sleep?
Dear Holly,
I have struggled with both my kids on sleeping arrangements...my daughter slept in our bed till she was almost two (she is in her own room now), but I see myself falling into that pattern with my six-month-old son, and although I love the closeness of nursing to sleep and co-sleeping, I know that it got pretty tough with my daughter and after a certain point, it might not be the wisest decision. I would love a Catholic perspective, so that I don't feel quite so guilty about letting him cry, or whatever may be the case, to get him in the crib at some point.
Labels: 4th P Parent
posted by Holly at 2:16 PM
19 Comments:
I am going to tell you two principles I have used to help me determine the answer to these types of questions:
1. It is a Catholic principle of education that 'we should teach nothing which has to be unlearned'. In other words, I am to do nothing with my children which I am going to have to turn around and 'correct' in the future.
So if I don't want my children eating junk food when they are 5, then I ought not to be including junk food in their diet at two years old. If I want my teen to have a faith life , then I ought to be encouraging faith practices when she is a child. If I don't want my child to disobey me as a teen, then I better insist on obedience from my toddler.
So too, this has applied in my life to children sleeping in my bed. When they are first born, I usually have a cradle set up right beside my bed . I put them to bed in it so they become accustomed to being put to bed without me. Then, in the middle of the night when I nurse, I haul them over into bed. If I fall asleep with them in bed, fine.
When they graduate to a crib, I still nurse in bed and if they fall asleep and I do too, no problem.
But for me, I needed my children to know that they had their own bed. They had to know that when Mummy put them to bed, it didn't mean my bed. I already shared a bed - with Philip! And he wasn't about to make room for another permament visitor.
So, as they got older, and six months is a time when they are beginning to develop their first habits, I made sure they were put in their own beds for bed, and returned to bed after nursing or a bottle.
All I know is, I would rather establish set norms which I know are going to be constant in life asap - like going to bed in your own bed. Rather this than a psychologically difficult time when you suddenly shift your decision and tell the child that it's 'not OK' anymore to sleep with Mummy. I think this is more psychologically difficult than accustoming a child to her own bed in the first place!
Secondly, nothing 'extreme' is Catholic. Nothing in life is really either-or. What you are loking for is balance and moderation.
I have never been able to carry a child around on my hip or back in a sling because my back couldn't take it. So I learned to have the children with me, but off of me. It was a balance - I had to do my work, and I had to be near my child. How was I going to do both?
For you, what are your issues? You want your child to sleep in his own bed and you want to nurse him when you need to. Start training him to sleep without you by putting a crib in the living room during the day, and settle him for his nap while you are close by. Get him used to being put into bed alone. Get him used to sleeping without you.
There is no harm in this. Your presence will reassure him, and your firmness on this will not damage him. Go about your work. Cuddle him when he needs it. Do what you think is 'reasonable' - and talk to your husband to see what he thinks.
Since your son is around 6 months old, now is the time to make your decision. He is already 'learning' what you are teaching him - habits are on the point of being established.
I would like also to suggest some reading material for you. Dr. William Sears has wonderful books about co-sleeping. He is not Catholic but he is Christian. Try reading his new book on attachment parenting. Also, for a purely catholic perspective try Greg Popcak's book "The Catholic Parent's Guide TO Raising Almost Perfect Kids. In my own personal opinion I think it has to be something you personally are comforatable with (and your husband). My 13 month old baby daughter is very attached and cannot go to sleep on her own without me yet. Dr. Sears claims in his books that most kids will naturally want a bed of their own sometime between age 2 and 3. It is a very hard decision, I know...and believe me as a co-sleeper the support for co-sleepimg with your babies is very little. I support you. I do suggest that you resolve in your heart whether this is the path that God wants you to take with your children and then do whatever HE tells you. It is hard to revolve your Rule around attached babies that don't sleep on a schedule. It means having a very flexible, open Rule that allows more for the needs of your babies, and maybe less on having the house perfectly clean. Pray. Ask God how he wants you to handle this situation! God bless!
I totally agree with "Anonymous' that is has to be something you are personally comfortable with - either way.
There are many who are 'into' attachment parenting, and some who claim it is the only real 'Catholic' way. And while I myself do not hold to the theory, and totally disagree with the latter claim, I think it truly depends upon the mother and her type of personality.
A mother has to be comfortable in what her heart and personal style says - to be free to have your child with you 'if you wish', but to feel comfortable about choosing to NOT do this too - despite what the modern attachment parenting books say.
I am pretty sure God doesn't want mothers feeling guilty or condemned about how they love their children or where the child sleeps, one way or another.
Hi, I too would like to recommend some reading for you to do. You mentioned wanting to know a Catholic idea on co-sleeping, well I highly recommend reading Breastfeeding and Catholic Motherhood - God's plan for you & your baby By Sheila Kippley also authored by her are these two books Breastfeeding and Natural Child Spacing and The Art of Natural Family Planning. I think you will find the answers you are looking for in these books. I have read all three cover to cover. I also recommend reading The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding (available from LLL). I have always slept with my babies until toddlerhood where each of my four older children have transitioned at various ages (3 years, 2 yrs and 2 months, 20 months, and 2 years) pretty smoothly. I feel confident in my recommendations for you to find the answers you for which you are seeking! God bless!
Our fourth child is 19mo. old and still co-sleeping. We have always done co-sleeping with our children even when we were really goining against the grain (socially). My husband and I both slept better when we did this. Our other children have all made the transition to their own beds w/o much to do, but at different ages. The books already mentioned in the other posts are good reading for this subject. May God guide you!
Holly, in terms of "teaching nothing which has to be unlearned", I would ask you about your diaper use. By using diapers, we do teach children that they can eliminate whenever, wherever, and then we ask them to unlearn this when they toilet train. I agree completely with your premise, and would just challenge you to consider what it means for diapers--check out www.diaperfreebaby.org for more information on working with children's natural desire to eliminate in the proper place.
Having said that, I think you are also spot on with regard to balance. While we may not want to teach our children that they may eliminate in their clothes, sometimes we must have young children in diapers to maintain our sanity or see to other children or tasks. I guess it all comes down to prudence.
--Amanda
Hey Amanda -
Point about the diapers well taken! :-)
I think for myself though, and as I have lived my family life, I always put my children to bed in their own bed, cradle, crib. Not that they always stayed there, of course! What is more lovely than a sleepy cuddle in bed? But I didn't have issues then when the children grew up - there was no trauma or battle about bedtime as they matured.
I guess that my only concern re co-sleeping is that Mom really really wants to do this - and is not made to feel like less of a "Catholic' parent because of it.
AND, I think Dad really needs to want this too, and I think Mom ought to take his desires into consideration. I guess my biggest practical question about this type of arrangement is when do you ever have sex with your husband? And does the husband agree, because if he doesn't, then I think it is detrimental to the marriage.
Perhaps those of you who do co-sleep with children for a year or more - maybe you can tell me how this works?
Husband being on board is very important for a co-sleeping family, I agree.
Intimacy with one's husband can take a little more creativity, with other bodies sleeping in the bed, but it can be done. I think it takes more creativity and flexibility for parents of young children, regardless of where those children sleep. When a baby or toddler is sleeping in our bed, we can just tiptoe out to another room.
One thing to consider with sleep arrangements is that the idea that each person should sleep alone (except, of course, for the parents) is relatively new. One must have the space for individual beds, for one thing. Many families used to have siblings doubled up in beds, and I know families who "graduated" a co-sleeper (or two) to sharing a bed with a sibling. After all, who wants to sleep alone?
Thanks for the welcome, Holly! I am enjoying your site. Regarding parenting, while I find that a lot of attachment theory stuff makes a lot of sense and has a lot of scientific backing to its claims, I ultimately come down to parents being the expert on their own kids. And it's very edifying to hear all your ideas of what works for your family!
--Amanda
Regarding the original post, I have a few thoughts: Each child is different--what was tough with your daughter may be no big deal with your son. Also, he has an older sister to look up to (and maybe room with for a few years) so he won't necessarily be going from the warm family bed to a solitary room. Even if he ends up in his own room like his sister, he'll have her example. Your daughter didn't see anyone else in her own room. And finally, I'd highly recommend two books. The first is from a Catholic perspective-- Parenting with Grace by Gregory Popcak, MSW, and the second is specific to sleep solutions without crying it out-- The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley. I have read and re-read the first book, and have read parts of the second and listened to friends rave.
Finally, cosleeping does not have to shackle a mom to nursing to sleep either--it is possible to start to move away from nursing to sleep now while still co-sleeping and then eventually ease into a different location as well.
--Amanda
When we had a second baby fifteen months after the first, we bought a Bedside Co-sleeper for the toddler and the baby was in the middle for easy nursing. She used it for a year then transitioned into a bed when the 3rd baby came. We used a crib next to our bed for the third baby because he tended to crawl out of bed. My newest fifth baby is in the co-sleeper or the crib in our room and joins us when she wants to nurse. The two year old left that crib in our room a few months ago to her own bed in her room and has only gotten up a few times at night. All children are different and have different closeness needs. All of our children get rave reviews for behavior in public places, they are all friendly, social, etc... so they were not "damaged" by co-sleeping. I had read Dr. Sears also and that helped verify my instints about keeping my babies close. I began to realize that many of the parenting choices I was led to make (but had never heard of before becoming a parent) were my Mother's instinct and some were what I came to believe as a leading by the Holy Spirit. I then realized that whatever critics may say, I would not disobey this strong pull. For instance, Dr. Sears indicates that Co-sleeping lowers SIDs incidence. Maybe the Holy Spirit led my husband and I to these ideas and it saved one our babies. We'll never know, but we have been led continuously to others who follow attachment parenting, home birthing (we had 5 at home), and homeschooling, and it is quite a blessing to have supportive people in our lives. You can also be attached to your baby and not choose to share your bed. Millions of parents figure this out and their babies sleep great. Just follow your instinct and your baby's and maybe just don't worry about it. Let the Spirit guide you.
Julie Marie
Dear Holly and friends,
I have not read this "blog" about co-sleeping but I would like to share sometheing with you. I do know that it is beautiful and very cozy to hold and lay down with your baby. I love to do it during the day feedings. I have always kept my bassinet next to my bed and get up to nurse (or bottlefed) in the rocking chair for the night feedings. The reason? My grandmother had a close friend that she suffocated her own newborn baby because she was exhausted( she had twins). And most recently my brother in law who is a detective in the police dept in Ohio have several cases of mothers and fathers accidentaly putting their hand on top of their babies, or pillows, or blankets, just plain accidents. A newborn needs second of not being able to breath to have severe brain damage or death. Not that the parents were in drugs, some of them were babies in "good families" it was simply plain exhaustion from night time feedings. My mother always said that the baby Jesus was put in a "crib", So that is what we have done for our 4 children. Of course sometimes now even my 8 year old if he is scared or my 6 4 or 2 come in to our bed but they are strong enough after a year to pull back if you accidentally cover their little noses.
Much blessings to all of you.
You bring up an interesting point - when I had my last baby (and perhaps for the others too - don't remember), the nurses would not let the baby remain in bed with me if I slept for that very reason...
Dear Holly,
After I posted my last comment I was talking with my husband and he immediately reminded me of the famous passage of King Solomon and the two women: One woman said: "By your leave, my lord, this woman and I live in the same house, and I gave birth in the house while she was present. On the third day after I gave birth, this woman also gave birth. We were alone in the house; there was no one there but us two. This woman's son died during the night; she smothered him by lying on him". 1 Kings 17-19.
My husband writes this:
"Forgive this sober comment in such a wonderfully uplifting blog but sleeping with infants is never a good idea. The case before Solomon took place hundreds of years before Christ yet tragedies like this continue to happen today. Of course breastfeeeding, bonding, togetherness, and tenderness are to be greatly encouraged but allowing newborns, babies, or even small toddlers to sleep with you when you sleep is gravely risky.
Of course many families have done this without incident, but other have not: it only takes one roll--or even a small move of an arm--and a few drowsy minutes to suffocate a baby. Think of it: tired mother, tired child -- a 160 lb. mother has 16 times the mass of her 10 lb. child. She isn't even aware of what happened till it's too late. And no, you won't wake up in time.
No mother would set a burning candle next to her child's crib or leave her child in a bathtub alone; please use the same common sense here.
Lastly, far from wanting to be unkind to your dear readers, please know that I encourage them to bond with their babies all day, every day, but just don't want to see one of them on page C-3 of the Metro section. Life is too precious!"
God bless you
I think we need to differentiate between those who regularly co-sleep, and those who occasionally co-sleep. Many parents who regularly co-sleep are not exhausted, because they are not getting up with their babies throughtout the night. They are sensitive in their sleep to the baby being next to them, and often wake to nurse them before they cry, etc.
Many of the babies who accidentally die in their parents bed, or on a couch were there because their parent, being completely exhausted after getting up numerous times, put the baby in bed out of desperation and then fell into a very deep sleep. They are not sensitive to the fact that their baby is there because their baby is not usually there. An indicator of this is that studies on infant sleep death have found that a large majority of babies who died "co-sleeping" because they were trapped between the parent and the couch cushions. Someone who regularly co-sleeps is not going to be sleeping on the couch.
I do agree that just as you don't put a big fluffy pillow and comforter into a crib, there are safety recommendations for co-sleepers. I have found that most of the co-sleepers that I know personally are very conscious of them. Most avoid fluffy bedding, keep the baby well away from the pillow, make sure they can't become entrapped in the headboard, etc.
Thanks for your input to our little discussion Kelly! Point noted!
Holly
I have meditated a lot on the sleeping arrangements of Jesus & Mary. If GOD just entered your home, wouldn't you put him somewhere He could be admired? Put Him on his first little throne so the shepherds could adore Him? But then shortly after the birth of Jesus, don't forget that the Holy Family traveled all the way to Egypt and back... Surely not spending the nights in 3 bedroom condos. Everything in my heart imagines Jesus sleeping in Mary's attentive arms at least until He was a toddler. Proper Jewish women always nursed until age 3, like Hannah in the Old Testament, and like almost all women throughout history.
Of course when it comes to safety, Dr. Sears points out that in every case of "smothering" he's investigated, there's always been a broken "safety rule." He has the list of safety rules on his website.
We have taken one side rail off of our full-size crib and pushed it against our bed. My husband loves the playtime with the littlest baby every morning before he gets up to start his day.
I used to get up 5-6 times a night with my first son, walk into his room and try to comfort him. It was pure misery and made me never want to get pregnant again! If I didn't nurse him, he'd cry so hard that he'd throw up. (He was what Dr. Sears calls a "high need baby.")
The day we brought him into bed with us was the best night of sleep I've ever had. Now I want to keep having more babies. :)
Thanks for your comments. I think the bottom line is that co-sleeping is an arrangement each family has to decide for their particular circumstances - just like NFP. And I think it is important to realize (and to make sure) there is no 'judgement' placed against either mother - the one who co-sleeps or the one who does not co-sleep. It is a matter of choice and discernment.
I think broad generalizations also need to be eliminated. Most families who co-sleep do not end up with dead babies. Most families who do not co-sleep do not end up with unhappy babies crying all night - most of my children slept through the night at only 10 days old or less.
I think a happy medium is also possible - I always had a cradle in my room by my bed the first 3 months - and the child was in an out of my bed depending on the night.
Holly - Just wanted some clarification on your comment, "I think the bottom line is that co-sleeping is an arrangement each family has to decide for their particular circumstances - just like NFP." Do you mean NFP versus birth control, or NFP versus using no birth control? I'm a little confused as to what you were meaning, since NFP is the only 'birth control' that Catholics may use.
Hi Anonymous!
I meant that couples have to determine whether or not present circumstances warrant the use of NFP - like serious psychological, physical financial etc reasons which are serious enough to postpone pregnancy - and this is a 'personal' decision between the couple and God - as they are the only ones capable of making these decisions - not something the inlaws or well-meaning friends have a right to dictate.
In relation to sleeping arrangements with a baby - it is a 'personal' decision between the couple as well - something which no outsider has a right to insist upon or question. It is up to the couple, and no amount of pressure from outside sources, in either direction, is necessary to be considered. As you may be aware, people can feel very pressured by what their freinds are doing, or what the 'experts' say etc... Does this help?
Post a Comment
<< Home