1 Comments:

 Holly said...

There are so many 'models' out there of child raising, in my opinion -

The "Authoritarian Model", in which parents tend toward directing and commanding their children in most aspects of their lives, and obedience becomes the main focus. Unfortunately, when this happens, there can be any number of instances where children appear to 'disobey' and this can lead to conflicts and clashes - the parent can feel his authority is threatened because the child questions, or doesn't do it right, or doesn't want to do something, or or... Here, the parent assumes the child knows nothing, the child is incapable of making good decisions. It becomes an issue of morality that in all things, the child submits to the will of the parent, in great and large issues. Often force and corporal punishment are the tools used to ensure compliance. The child becomes a slave to their own parents.

Then there is the "Permissive Style" of parenting, that swings the other way, and doesn't really impose any limits on the child. In the name of 'respect' for their person, this type of parent lets the child go - permits anything the child wants - despite making the parent uncomfortable, or causing havoc in the family, or crossing the boundaries of moral living. Here, any restrictions on the child appear wrong or stifling to the child's spirit. This style assumes children are all-good and incapable of doing any thing wrong or bad.

Then, when the parent wants the child to do something, the child isn't used to any obedience at all or any direction from others, and becomes recluctant. The tools of the parent then become bribing with goodies or manipulation. The child becomes a slave to their own whims.

Then there is the 'Democratic Model', where the opinions of the parents and chidlren appear to be on the same level, and hold equal weight in all things. Here, things are discussed and a compromised decision is made.

There are good things about this model - in that it respects the insights and desires of the children - but it also falls down in the area of moral absolutes - where there is an objective outside moral norm about how we behave or treat one another or worship God.

It can also lead to difficulties when the parents, who are working out the entire family plan, come up against a child who is interested only in his own life, and who, in immaturity and narrowness of vision, cannot see the whole picture.

To ask the children's opinions is fine and good, within limits and in certain circumstances, but I still believe the parents have a greater responsibility than this..

The reality is that parents have lived longer, and are wiser in many areas.

Just like a carpenter who has been in the business for a number of years. A newcomer apprentices under this carpenter because he recognizes his wisdom. The old carpenter walks the apprentice through the tasks that need to be done; warns him about cutting against the grain of the wood; shows him tricks to help him deal with tricky edges and joins; works beside him.

He gives the apprentice books to look at or a video to watch on a certain technique; draws out the apprentice's ideas and helps him problem solve. But he also corrects when the apprentice is about to make a mistake. He even has to tell the apprentice, if you won't listen to me, then X,Y, Z will happen - and depending on the circumstance and the severity of the issue, will either let the apprentice make mistakes or will insist that the apprentice does not follow a certain action in favor of a wiser path.

The carpenter takes the apprentice under his wing, teaching him, training him, making him capable of carrying on the business after the old carpenter has retired.

So too with our children - we have life experience and faith knowledge and a host of wisdom we are called to pass down. Instead of commanding our children as a norm (although there may be instances of this), or letting them go off on their own (although in some situations this too might occur), we draw them into life with us - we "take them on", and agree to show them how to live life as we have learned it.

We do all that the old carpenter does - we commit to take our children under our wings and teach them how to live; we draw out their ideas and encourage them to think about things; we warn them when they are heading down a problematic path; we permit mistakes in areas which are not morally threatening or which would harm their safety, and then use this as a teaching opportunity;

We even insist on certain things that are for their own good, even if they balk (like with salad and vegetables); we walk the children through their chores and study and family relationships- teaching, pointing out tricks to help things go more smoothly.

We give them good books and videos and directly teach them important things they need to know - like the faith or how to read - and we oversee their education. We show them and tell them what God said, what works, what is good, and then we encourage them to try it, to be faithful. We provide opportunities for them to grow and learn.

This apprenticeship model is based upon Catholic theology of the person - that all of us, children too, are born with original sin - are composed of good and selfless elements, but with a definite tendency to sin and ignorance as well; we know our children have the capactiy for good and evil - and so we need to encourage the one and restrict the second.

We know that, in their being persons, there is no one right 'method' to deal
with all of the circumstances of a child's life - we cannot just order them around all the time, nor can we let them go all the time, nor can we always have their opinions direct the course of life. But instead, we take things day by day and show them, in each situation, which will help them, what is good and what is evil, and provide them with the knowledge and grace necessary in any given circumstance to become holy too.

And like the carpenter, we don't necessarily set out a step by step curriculum which we put them through day to day, but we live
life and deal with things as they come up.


And in all of this, we see the attitude of the apprentice himself - he is open and eager to learn and be instructed. So how do we as parents bring this about?

By loving the child and respecting his person. By taking a genuine interest in him and his ideas and feelings. By caring, and showing that we care. Even our disciplinary actions need to be firm yet loving - for the 'good' of the child. If the child feels respected, understood and loved, he will be more inclined to follow along with us as we train and teach.

It is in the loving relationship, first and foremost, that such apprenticing will occur. We need to be person oriented with our children, not task oriented. The old carpenter is focusing first on the apprentice, and then the job to be done.

Does this help?

9:41 AM  

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