Help
With Your Rule
When My Husband and I Disagree about Family Size
Hello Holly,
I am almost done with A Mother's Rule of Life and it has already helped so much. I know I will need to go back and attack each of the P's and make my lists, but I can already see fruits just from the few changes I've made this week.
I have a question that I didn't see addressed in the book. You were talking about not getting involved in things like if your husband watches too much TV, and also working on mutual submission. Everything you said make sense, but I did see one qualifier about letting things go, and that was as long as it wasn't a moral issue.
Well, I am dealing with the fact that my husband, also Catholic, has decided four kids is enough and no longer is open to life at all. We just adopted a little boy, but this was a difficult process and he said it was too hard and he won't consider, pray about, or in any way be open to more. Although I am very sad because I do want more, I am most sad because he is so closed to the idea. I feel like our relationship is very strained because I am so hurt by this. Any advice for dealing with this other than the obvious, pray?
Labels: 3rd P Partner
posted by Holly at 8:51 AM
6 Comments:
Thank you so much for writing, and I understand that this is a difficult situation for you right now.
First off, to clarify, I didn't say in MROL that we shouldn't tell our husband how we feel about certain things, like too much TV watching - more that we don't nag him about it. There is a difference - we do have a right and duty to share our thoughts and even cautions with our husband.
Secondly, in this situation where your husband isn't willing to look at more children anymore - I think the worst thing for you would be to accept this as finalized. The reality is, you never know...
What ran through my mind is that he is struggling right now - he might be experiencing stress about the changes of home life; disillusionment about doing something 'good' like adoption and yet feeling upset by the 'difficulty' attached to it; the combination of home life, a new and adjusting child, work pressures...
All these things come into play, and it is normal for a person to know that, right at this minute, "I can't handle any more." I too have felt this way before, as have many, and there is a desire in our hearts to close the door to what we perceive as further stress - so we want to generalize it to say "No more ever!" I think that your husband's stand on this could very well be this - that his pronouncement about the future is a way to feel 'safe' in the present.
If he were my husband, I would pray of course. But I would put the issue to sleep for a while, and focus on bringing order to my home and children, as well as looking for ways to help my husband relieve his stress. Your husband needs to feel like 'all of this' can me 'managed', and as long as any overwhelmed feeling persists, he will not be open to more children.
It's a funny thing with humans - we tend to change our minds! And, we tend to forget stress when it has passed. Keep this in mind.
Over the next few months, work with the family you have - get your home in order; find ways to draw your family closer to each other with fun and peaceful activities; help your husband to feel welcome and important and loved when he is home - really get the Third P happening - and leave the future up to God.
That's what I would do.
There is usually a REASON why men/husbands feel the way they do (they aren't irrational like us!) There could be many reasons why your husband isn't excited about thinking about having another child right now. It's like the husband asking the 2-week-post-partum-mother when she'd like to have the next baby! Concentrate on getting your rule in order and get that house humming along....some hot meals, picked-up house, clean clothes, finances in order (or at least a plan of attack), a simplified family life, and an adopted child who has assimilated into the family...maybe things won't seem so overwhelming. Just as getting pregnant when you have a 1-year-old is A LOT different than when you have a 1-month-old!
And from a moral standpoint, your husband isn't asking you to do anything immoral, unless he insists you use artificial contraception.
I take slight offense to what the anonymous person said about women who want large families being irrational. And for some of us, the old clock is ticking. I just want to reassure you that after our third, my husband thought we had enough children. We are now expecting our seventh. Keep praying that your husband's heart will soften. With God, everything is possible.
Hi Anonymous #2
Just to say I don't think Anonymous #1 was tring to say women who want large families are irrational - I think she was just saying that even Moms can go through phases where they don't particularly want more right away either. I read it to mean those crazy first few months after a new baby is born, or like me, when I had my 5th and had cesarean complications - the last thing on my mind then was another pregnancy. But that didn't mean I wasn't open to life in the future. I don't think the first lady was trying to imply anything negative to Moms who want large families. We all know that that is a 'good' thing! :-)
Thank you all for your comments. I am the person who sent the original post to Holly.
As expected, God works His magic. My husband and I had some good talks. He admitted that it wasn't fair to not give this serious consideration and just say, no more now or ever. He admitted that he is just really scared as our last adoption was very, very trying emotionally. We ended up bringing home a child much older than we had anticipated and so the stress didn't end there, but continued as he adjusted.
Things are going much better now, I think in part to working on my rule! (yeah!) My husband has said he will step out in faith and jump on the adoption roller coaster at least one more time with me.
In talking to the agency we're working with, it looks like a lot of our paperwork from the first adoption is still good and things may move really quickly. I had to laugh at that turn of events and I think God is smiling too.
Again, thank you all for the comments and prayers.
Nicole
Ahhh Nicole! That is wonderful news!! Praise God!
It always strikes me what a good heart-to-heart conversation can do, when we try to hear the other person's perspective , in openess and understanding. That is so good! I am happy for you! :-)
Holly
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