Help
With Your Rule
Can I 'Assign' Tasks to My Husband? :-)
Dear Holly,
I have a question. I noticed in your sample rule in A Mother's Rule of Life, that you don't have a column for your husband [of chores]. Why is that? There are things that I would love to "assign" to my husband. But perhaps, this is a wrong way to think. I am primarily thinking of when we are trying to get the kids to bed or on weekends.
Labels: 3rd P Partner
posted by Holly at 4:06 PM
3 Comments:
I don't 'assign' my husband. I never thought it was my place to do this, and I didn't want any battles (!!) which would make me 'dependant' upon him for me to fulfill my duties...
Early on in our marriage, Philip and I sat down and discussed our responsibilities and chose our 'spheres', so to speak. I chose the housework, the finances, planting the garden and harvesting it. He chose the vehicles, the lawn and yard work, repairs to our home, shovelling, and the like. We leave each other free to accomplish these things.
Now when I drew up my rule, and when I re-assess every fall, there are things I might like him to do, so I go and 'ask' him. We discuss it. Most of the time, he makes the bread. He always did the little one's baths and now reads stories to the little ones at night. He most usually makes our bed inthe morning because he comes downstairs after me, and he usually (used to! sometimes now!) put away his and my personal laundry in the evening. :-) Just recently, I begged his intervention with the messy garbage space under the sink and he gracously agreed - good man!
Basically, I leave him to do his own duties and don't assume a 'foreman's role' over his life. He is free to accomplish these things in his own time, in his own way. It's up to him - I barely think about these things.
What if he doesn't do his duties? Well, there are usually 3 options:
If I'm being very faithful to the spirit of my mother's rule, I do it myself if its necessary. Other times, I let it go - laundry can sit for a day or two in our room if it has to - it's not killing anyone. Thirdly, and only if it's serious - I remind him. I don't remind very often - maybe 3 times a year! Why? Cuz it's his job, not mine! I'm not his master.
Anyway, the most important thing is - that by not 'assigning' things, I am very pleased by the things he automatically does, or the conscious ways he offers to help - which he does often. I can be grateful then for his assistance instead of considering it an expectation, or some type of 'right' on my part.
I noticed you didn't mention choosing "child care" as one of your chosen spheres. I struggle with feeling as though that should be a shared area, at least on weekends. How do you handle feeling as though you are always the one in charge of the kids (especially the ones under 5!) and that your husband can pick and choose which duties he feels like doing? Or is this just me.
No, I don't think it's just you. Especially when my kids were little, I remember being flabbergasted that I had to arrange a sitter just to go take a shower! :-) Even to go upstairs required child care!
But no, Philip and I did not assign children to one or the other, but shared it, in theory at least. Although he was very good about helping with the children, I always felt that sense of responsibility anyway - even when he was doing something with them! Which showed me that some of the 'pressure' was in my own mind, too!
As my children grow however, and since I began taking my Mother's Sabbath and Philip stays with the children 2 Saturdays a month, that sense of being the only one 'on call' all the time has diminished. My older children also help out with each other too, as is only normal and natural, and so child care is not all on 'my' shoulders.
When I did feel that way, I did talk to Philip and we'd try to work something out. But I'm not so sure that it isn't just the difference between the male and female mind...
Post a Comment
<< Home