Help
With Your Rule
When a 'Schedule' Doesn't Work
Dear Holly,
My husband's schedule changes with little notice. As a consequence, I have a lot of trouble getting into a daily routine. I don't even know if he'll be working the weekend until that Friday. Although work is good now, he's also been unemployed for weeks at a time.
I have 6 kids including a three month old. We homeschool, too. I have a general schedule, but it seems like my husband throws it off when he's home during the day. I am not sure how to handle it. If I insist on following the schedule, I can miss out on spending time with my husband. He doesn't slide himself into the routines.
I try to take time to myself when the opportunity presents (this also throws off the schedule), but it is nearly impossible to plan time out for myself. I even have a lot of trouble getting to Confession. However, the thing I am missing most in my rule is time to myself to pray, regroup, and exercise. I feel like the Holly in Chapter one and I can't really see how I can ever be joyful again.
Labels: 3rd P Partner, About a Rule of Life
posted by Holly at 10:48 AM
5 Comments:
First off, I am so sorry you feel stuck in Chapter 1! I wouldn't wish that on anyone! But you can get out of Chapter 1 and move on. Here are some suggestions.
Primarily, there is a great difference between a rule and a schedule, as you know from MROL.
But from the sounds of it, you probably haven't gone through the questions in order, have you? If you aren't getting in your prayer or your personal space nor regular husband time, then you haven't started at the First P , the Second P and worked your way down. Am I wrong here?
I'd suggest you go slowly through your 5 Ps in order, and not be too hasty to pull everything together. You don't want to move so fast that you've missed out on attentive reflection and discernment about your real responsibilities in their proper order.
For me, before my rule, I always scheduled school and stuff like that first, but it always fell through because I wasn't putting my priorities in order. It was only when I followed the 5 Ps in order that things changed.
Know that Jesus understands your frustration and wants to help you. Find time for Him first, and he will enlighten you - and even about the most mundane things! I remember one time sitting in my chair , doing our finances. I was so stressed and genuinely baffled about what to do. I put down my pen and said , "Jesus - this is a mystery. How can I possibly solve this? What would you do?" I got up, got a cup of coffee, came back and sat down, and then a light bulb went off, and that was the beginning of more financial order in my life. So don't be afraid to ask Jesus for help...
As for your husband's erratic work schedule - I don't base my daily schedule on Philip's. I have time set aside in the evening for him, but even if he were home throughout the day, which occasionally happens, the children and I continue on with our own life.
I have my own responsibilities, and I don't stop these just because Philip is home, nor do I try to incorporate him into our normal daily duties. For you, I would arrange what you and the children need for your regular daily lives, and set aside time in the evening for your husband specifically.
Another option that some Moms do, is to put together a different type of schedule for when their husbands are home on a regular basis. You might want to consider this option - Plan A and Plan B.
My problem is that I can't continue any sort of a schedule when my husband is home, and his schedule is erratic. When he's home, he wants to do things with the kids, he lets them watch movies, he tells them they get to do stuff that I only find out about at the last minute- and school is just out the window.
Okay, that's not my only problem. That's just my only problem that isn't all _my_ fault.
Well, if that were happening to me, I figure I'd have two options.
I could either have 'free days' or a minimal schedule for the kids on the days my husband was home to enable him to spend time with the children.
But probably I would tell my husband he was mixing me up! And discuss in advance what was happening on those days - especially the part about movies replacing school time - seeing if we couldn't , as a couple, come up with a better alternative.
Think either of these two ideas might help?
Holly, sorry I took so long to respond. I couldn't find my comment.
Telling my husband he's mixing me up just doesn't cut it. He's a very nice, mellow, easy going type who gets his feelings hurt very easily.
It does help just to not plan school on his days off. But he doesn't have the same days off every week, and there's nothing we can do about that. I just don't do well with constant change, but since that is my life, I guess God wants me to deal with it.;-)
Hi,
I wanted to comment on this because I have a similar situation except my husband works at home! It has been very difficult at times, because my desire to be submissive (which turned out to be about as spineless as cooked spaghetti) meant that I wasn't talking with my husband about it.
I found it helps a lot if I frame the problem as something I am sort of discovering myself, so it doesn't come off as a problem *he* is causing: "Wow, it is really hard not thinking of every day as Saturday, but I am trying really hard to get homeschooling to be more regular, as I don't want the children to fall behind because I am not being consistent," and then present an idea of how to stop doing that--then he would be helping you with a problem. When we had a project going on which it looked like my husband was going to need a lot of help from me, I had three alternate schedules: one for when I was free, when I was helping my husband, and when a child was sick (one of those periods hen it seemed like someone was sick every other week!).
Maybe you could adapt this so that one schedule is when your husband wants to do things with the children, one for when he's home and you do a minimal amount of school, and one for when he is working. And then sort of slide in the you want to do three full days of school a week(whether he's there or not), two minimal (which could become full when he is working), and two "free" days (or whatever you want to do considering the ages of your children), and ask for him to help you stick to that schedule or suggest any changes that he might prefer, like doing it monthly instead of by the week, or whatever he comes up with.
Then do not do your planning where all your subjects are on the same page--each subject should have its own section.
I am glad that I am not the only one with this type of problem. With prayer, it will get better--I am amazed at how often I will present a problem with my husband to God, and He takes care of it!
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