Help
With Your Rule
Overcoming Resentment of Husband's 'Freedom'
Dear Holly
I have really enjoyed reading your book. I am wondering if you could further address how you overcame resenting your husband's freedom? This is a stumbling block of mine sometimes. Was your Mother's Sabbath the solution, or did other parts of your rule contribute to your change of heart?
Labels: 3rd P Partner
posted by Holly at 10:59 AM
3 Comments:
I think that with resentment, the key to eliminating it is to look to the hidden underlying issues, and for me, my resentment of Philip's freedom was two-fold:
First, I wasn't getting what I needed in my own life. My home, health and relationship with God were is a state of disorder. I was frustrated with the mess, the confusion, the never-ending lists of never-getting-done chores. Money difficulties plagued me as I lacked the funds to pull myself out of the difficulties by 'buying' services from others. And I didn't have enough free time or personal space.
The Mother's Sabbath provided the personal space, and yes, this did greatly reduce my resentment, because a personal need was finally being met.
But the rule itself greatly helped as well, because once life became balanced, and I didn't have a guilty and/or confused conscience about fulfilling my mothering duties, it actually opened up more free time for me, so I could be human. Instead of waiting until the children went to bed to live my life, I could begin living during the day too.
Secondly, because my life was in a state of disorder, I also resented Philip's freedom because he wasn't coming home and serving me - not 'making up for' the problems I was experiencing. So I came to the realization that my resentment of him had to do with the lack of fulfillment in my own life, and that he was not put on this earth to fulfill me - that I had to do what I could to give my person what I needed.
My mother's rule was thus assuming responsibility for my own life, instead of looking to Philip to somehow make everything better for me.
So when my needs began to be met as well as my responsibilities fulfilled in a nice balanced manner, I ceased resenting him and looking to him to soothe me.
In addition, I confessed this regularly and the graces of the sacrament helped heal sinful habits.
I also talked it out with a priest from time to time. His objective counsel would give me points to ponder, and a way to get it off my chest without talking behind my husband's back. I think for women it is very important to be able to freely talk things out with someone whom you know is going to see things clearly, and not side with any selfishness on our part. Bottling up resentment doesn't help it go away.
And of course, I would tell Philip what was going on too. By bringing it out in the open, he knew what to pray for.
I still sometimes think Philip's life is 'easier' than mine! But when I get to thinking this way, I have to realize that we each carry our own crosses, suited to us, and that quite frankly, I might never know how someone's life is affecting them deep inside. One time, after Philip went for a month or more without once mentioning that his leg was in great pain, and I didn't even know it, I realized I might not know my man as well as I think I do sometimes!
I too have struggled with resentment towards my husbands "freedom". In my case, I have realized through much prayer that I don't really resent his freedom, I grieve my loss of freedom. Honestly I enjoyed my younger years when I did what I wanted. This insight has allowed me to consciously offer my "freedom" to the Lord as one thing that I am willing to abandon for the sake of my call as a mother. So when the resentment sneaks in, and it does, I try to take a minute to say "YES LORD, I ACCEPT MY VOCATION AS MOTHER AND ALL THAT COMES WITH IT. HELP ME BE FAITHFUL." When you think about it, Jesus gave up a lot more than freedom for me.
I really appreciated Jen's response/comment, about the need to make a conscious choice to accept a particular suffering that may be built into our lives or vocations. Of course God wills that we do all we can to alleviate our spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical sufferings, but the Cross will always be a part of our life in Christ and the more freely we embrace the Cross the more fully we will come discover its blessings and fruits. I will never forget the first time I discovered (by the grace of God!) that the Cross was not simply a necessary part of the Christian life but that it is actually a gift of Divine Love, it is a personal invitation from Christ to enter into a new knowledge of Him, to discover in and through His Heart what He lived and what He desires to teach me. It means that when I say "yes" to the Cross I am saying "Yes" to the Person of Christ, and in the gift of the Cross He has also given me every grace I need to live it well. Through the example and help of our Blessed Mother I now know that when I feel most overwhelmed by the Cross is the moment I must embrace it most fully if I want to be at peace. In the end we discover that the Cross is carrying us, not the other way around!
Post a Comment
<< Home