Help
With Your Rule
A Mother's Rule for Dads Too?
Dear Holly,
I purchased your book for my wife for her birthday. We read it to each other and are trying to put together a rule of life for ourselves and our family. We particularly like the way you relate all of the mundane things we need to do in life to God's vocation for us. Thank you for making a difference in our lives...
One question: does your husband have a rule of life, and if so, how is it different or similar to yours? It seems to me that the 5 Ps (in the order set out in your book) could equally apply as well to fathers, with the substance of the 5th P being different of course. Do you have any suggestions for Dads who are working on their rules and trying to help their wives with theirs?
Labels: 3rd P Partner, About a Rule of Life
posted by Holly at 3:53 PM
9 Comments:
First off - welcome aboard to all Dads! It is good to see you here.
My husband does not have a 'rule' of life' in the same conscious detailed way I have. While Philip still strives to follow the 5 Ps in his vocation, and he has basic routines established - like rising times and work times and prayer & adoration times etc - he doesn't consciously formulate it all under the label of a 'rule'.
But simultaneously, he has a great deal of consistency that he naturally follows. His spiritual life is different than mine , somewhat more global and principled, whereas I feel more detailed and intuitive. But hey, that's normal for the male and female soul to experience and live life differently.
I agree with you that the 5 Ps are equally applied to both husband and wife, and that a rule of life is not gender-specific. I would like to invite you and other men who are beginning a rule of life to add your specifically male perspective right here in this post as you get going. and I will invite Philip to post here as well.
Yes, the five P's do apply to men as well. As Holly said, I don't have what I term a "rule" as such but, in effect, the organization of my priorities has had a profound impact.
In our early marriage, I was very concerned with my role as provider, almost exclusively at times, and that was leading to burnout, stress and alienation from family, God and Holly. The short of it is that, once I realized that this was a self-destructive and family/marriage destructive way to live, I had to make some decisions.
I am now convinced that men must turn their hearts to God, their wives and their families - to understand their real vocations in the home. It is too easy to be involved and professional, even successful, at work and think that we are doing what we are called to do. My biggest current challenge is to maintain a consistent and effective prayer life, especially since I want to always be "doing" something. I have to find the time to actually "be" with God (and it is a matter of actual time) and then to be with my family and Holly.
Other realizations have come as I have moved towards order in my life. Like many men, I didn't communicate well what was going on in my mind and heart. My grasp of the idea of availability, acceptance and service as the real meaning of love has improved. I no longer work under the mis-guided assumption that when Holly and I talk, my job is to fix something. I have had to recognize my own weaknesses and strengths in real humility and realize that God operates most freely when my weakness yields to his guidance and direction. The meaning of my vocation as Catholic husband and father in the workplace is more centered on the question, "What would Christ be doing here and now?" Perhaps most importantly, I have learned to let go of the idea that my work and efforts provide control and security for myself and my family and that trust in God is a much better way to find security.
If I have a "rule" it is in the fact that I try to pray more effectively, that home has become the place I want to be, that I don't bring work home, that I must be available and that I am actually an image of God for my family - that is, that my children's first interior understanding of God the Father is formed on the basis on my fatherhood. And the mystery of real union with Holly is now a major interest and priority.
I don't have a rule written out but I do make sure that I pray with my wife three times a day. We say morning prayer, the angelus over the phone and bedtime prayers first with the kids and then together when we go bed.
I am a small business owner (www.aquinasandmore.com) which makes the provider pretty stressfull sometimes. Fortunately, my wife helps me stay prayerful and trusting when I start worrying about finances.
The shift or, better, shifting, from a life in which "call" equates to what I do for a paycheck, to an understanding of it as God's invitation or opportumity-provision for a whole(some) life with God ordained priorities, can be tough. Not omly is the male hunter-gatherer instinct strong but an understanding of God as the provider and not the paycheck-as-provider, as Philip has so well stated, is bracing but frighteningly "counter cultural."
The details of the home and the children belong to the mother, usuallly. I have wondered whether the next step from a mother's rule, which focuses on the mother's spiritual, physical, and mental health and the good order of the home and children, might not be a "family's rule" in which the role of the husband and father as head of the home, and all that goes with it, emerges in its natural context and centers on issues of spiritual and physical leadership as well as the role and place of "work" and the way a family might engage (support,encourage) with the father and husband in this effort.
Reading Augustine's post led me to a couple of thoughts. Moving away from the idea that our provider role is all about breadwinning and towards the idea that God provides, we are stewards, takes men in a new and far more important direction in relationship to vocation. For example, in our society, especially when we live on a single income with the father at work and the mother at home, plus, as is our case, taking on homeschooling, we need to become aware that this "counter-cultural" choice has a real price for our wives and our children. It is more common than not to find that, for our wives, this life is isolating and lonely because it is different. On your street, in your community, even in your church, this life is the exception. For women at home, there is more and more, lack of other adult contact on a daily basis, no other women nearby who share this commitment and no value or support, even at times from extended family, for living this life. A husband and father's provider role ought to meaningfully shift to address this reality. As my focus has realigned towards my vocation, my family, my home, I have found that my home is where I want to be and where I am most needed. My unity with Holly means that her experience must become my concern and I must work with her to find ways to address the profound need for a community - a supportive, Catholic community. In the first place, our marriage is that community between us, and this must be developed. In a similar way, my children need me much more deeply than as mere breadwinner. And that takes all the components of loving - acceptance, availability, help. I do not have a separate life where I do my part and Holly takes care of her part. In fact, the divine model for our marriage is the communication, the community of the Trinity. My wife's need for community is a need for me, fully available. My model for this is in St. Joseph whose life was a contemplation of the Son of God and the Mother of God in his own home, daily. His wife was the key to the mystery of the Incarnation and through his vocation and her possession of all those things she "pondered in her heart" is his classroom for manhood.
I think that men like to be "doers". It is in our nature and a good thing, but we can confuse what that doing is all about. Making money, bringing home the news of our activity, moving ahead in the world, and even getting involved in all kinds of good things like Church ministries, apostolates and so on can take us away from the business of really becoming true husbands and fathers. The primary place to be doing things is in our homes,with our wives and families. Head of the home is to be understood as servant of our home and good servants must attend to the needs of others. My wife's five P's are not separate from my five P's. They are, ultimately, the same thing in God's plan for marriage. When I wash the dishes, make a supper, lead my children in prayer, work with Holly to set goals, make myself available, etc., I am not putting out a little extra something to make her life easier. I am doing my job. One day, the classic "We need to talk" line that so many men joke about will become a joy because it is not a burden but a source of deeper and deeper unity. In the Trinity, I like to think of God as always talking, always listening, always present and always acting.
One of the greatest blessings that has occurred for me in our marriage is the realization that I now have a desire to get home, to be with Holly and our children, to be where I belong. Yes, I am blessed with a career I truly enjoy, but it isn't who I really am. Now my challenge is to deepen my relationship with God, to deepen my unity with Holly and to deepen my understanding of what a father is. I screw up regularly in all three areas, but at least I am a sinner with a purpose now.
This is all wonerful for you Dads who take so close of an interest in the home. However (and I am the wife) My husband will probably not ever read this stuff on this web site. He is more into listening to tapes. Are there any out there?
I believe Philip, that you became tuned into the 5 P's because of Holly. She is doing her part to lead you Heaven as all of us wives and husbands are called to do. So---I am hoping that my example will inspire changes and bring on deeper spiritual holiness in my husband.
Ever since I read MROL I've ben thinking how I could do something to improve my husbands holiness. I can pray, but I thought that maybe some sort of scheduled prayer life may help him as it is beginning to help me. He is a staunch defender of the faith and I know he prays, goes to Mass more than just Sunday.He wants to see that evrything is orthodox,noticing when certain things are not being done right at Mass, supporting modesty issues,very pro-life etc.. But I just don't see the feeling. The holiness. Is it just because he is a guy? Or what? Maybe we need to really try to pray together. Just the 2 of us. Maybe I could see it more then.
I often feel I want him to be more of a leader. Make us go to confession, or to Mass everyday we can. Sort of that obedience thing I seem to need. But we're to see if a priest can do that for us?
Holly if your reading this I'm the little ones activities anonymous author.
I am firmly convinced that I am to live my own rule and let my husband choose to do his own. I don't ever make my husband's holiness a 'project' as I think this can cause problems - it will raise my expectations; it can cause me to become controlling; it can lead to his resentment... I have to attend to the log in my own eye first, so that I'm not tempted to remove his for him... :-)
For me, I think the living of my own faith, the sharing of why and what I am doing , and the active love of him - as per JPII - availability, acceptance, help - I think these are the way to effect real loving and healthy growth in another.
Yes I agree with all you say. The only reason I said something about a schedule is that with the family having a schedule it is bound to affect him. All my worries were not necessary because since my last note I found out from a conversation with my Husband that he pretty much follows a scedule for prayer going and coming from work and attends Mass at his lunch hour. We rarely talk about spiritual things but since your book came a round and I decided to lean toward more spiritual things I did talk to him. It was nice to find out and this can occur by being available as you say. SO-- Hollys mothers rule has affected Philip positively. Just don't be trying to activly change our husbands. Yes?
Yes!
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