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With Your Rule
Morning Sickness and a Mother's Rule
Dear Holly,
I am wondering if you have any comments or suggestions on living your Rule with morning sickness. I am doing well with my Rule, however, should I be blessed with another pregnancy, I fear that what has happened with my last 3 pregnancies will happen again . I am just so sick and depressed at the beginning of the pregnancy with morning sickness, that it is just purely "survival."
It's a big part of our family planning discussions. I KNOW all about sacrifice, mortification, offering it up to God, don't despair......but when it actually happens, I'm paralyzed. I'm asking NOW, because I'm trying to "train myself"....it's a sign to me that I'm just not at that spiritual level, and wonder what I can do.
Labels: 4th P Parent, About a Rule of Life
posted by Holly at 10:42 AM
7 Comments:
First of all, thank you for such an excellent question -it is a very important one. And it brings to mind two issues.
Initially, I am so glad to see you are thinking in this vein - weighing the pros and cons of another pregnancy given your circumstances and present family needs. Sometimes, there is the erroneous idea within Christian families that 'quantity' means more than 'quality' - that having many babies one after another is more important than our ability to care for the ones we already have. This mentality can be quite a burden to women and their families, but unnecessarily so.
Pope John Paul talks about 'responsible parenthood'. For the first time in history, we have scientific understanding of our fertility cycles. It is a call from God to be even more 'active' within the procreative process - as now we can consciously determine when and when not to have babies.
This calls parents to a greater responsibility to cooperate with God, as they must now, armed with this new knowledge, determine if God is calling them to have another child and if their family circumstances are suitable to it.
This is not a 'contraceptive mentality' but an exercise of 'responsible parenting'. Your health, your severe sickness and depression in early pregnancy, are very good and serious reasons to assess whether the time is right. I too have had severe sickness and depression when pregnant, and with every child, it increased. With my last two children, I was severely sick the entire nine months.
Reasonably, Philip and I knew after our youngest was born, (even before I began my rule), that if we were to get pregnant again too soon, I would be overwhelmed. As you know from MROL, I already had enough on my plate as it was. We agreed that our next child should be postponed until our other children were old enough to cope with Mummy's illness. I could not in good conscience throw homeschooling to the wind while I spent my days bent over a toilet and totally depressed for nine months.
The point being, that the children we have, and raising those children, is just as important and to be valued as the actual birth of new children. Parents are called to use their reason, prayerfully discern the seriousness of the circumstances as these are an indication of God's Will, and come to an informed decision about what is best.
In addition, I have always considered that we need to make a careful distinction regarding pregnancy postponement. We need to remain 'open to life' generally. So for Philip and I, we have always functioned on the idea of "No more right now" (until serious circumstances change) instead of "No more ever." The latter as an attitude doesn't suggest the openess I think we're called to. So Philip and I set dates, say '6 months from now' to re-assess our circumstances and see if conditions warrant a new decision. If not, we carry on for another six months, and so on.
Secondly, should you consider that circumstances don't warrant a delay of pregnancy and you do become sick, I can only relate it to what happened to me a couple of years ago. I got drug-induced hepatitis and was hospitalized for a week or so, and then spent 3 months totally ill.
Here, I found I had to move to a bare bones rule - the kids were portioned basic kitchen and meal duties to compensate for me; I sat in my chair for homeschooling and the children brought their work to me; my husband chipped in; neighbours brought food. Was the house as clean? No. Did my prayer life suffer? No, I maintained the prayer times. Was it a disaster? No , it was actually peaceful.
When the three months were up and I had recovered enough to work more, I did a thorough clean of the house and slowly began to work back into my full rule schedule. We're all alive and well to this day!
So in the event of severe illness from any source, there can still be maintained a bare-bones rule to cover major needs, but your house won't be as clean. Knowing the main things are covered will bring peace even with this. If you need to chat more, please email me again!
Before MROL I was constantly wondering if my desire to have a functioning, healthy, somewhat orderly home was misplaced. Was that just a fault of mine? A “control” issue? (not able to function in chaos, even though raising children is more important than my desire for a bit of order?) After all, I knew plenty of women who had many children, close in age….their homes weren’t clean or tidy, but they raised great children.
On the other hand, the woman of Proverbs 31, doesn’t resemble the person I would be or the household I would be running if I were to “leave it up to God”…...I have 3 children – ages 3,2,1…..I do ecological breastfeeding and STILL get my cycles back at 5,4,3 months respectively. “Survival mode” (during morning sickness) isn’t enough for my family right now, since the children basically aren’t able to care for themselves or help out. I knew this before reading MROL, but wasn’t able to “define it”, now I’m able to.
What about the concept of “God never giving you more than you can handle?” If I were really trusting in God’s will for my life, wouldn’t I just leave it all up to Him? And, if I trusted enough, prayed enough, He would give me the strength to handle it all?
Also, would you comment on the thought that if God isn’t calling a couple to have more children at this time, He’s not just calling them to “abstain” but to increase their self-will by practicing the virtue of chastity.
Thank you for posting your comments above, although it's hard to read, isn't it, with all those funny little doo-dads and symbols!
First off, I don't think trusting in God means we do nothing. We have a relationship with God and that means there are two inputs necessary - God's and ours. God does his part, let us do ours. Confidence in God does not mean I take no responsibility. When we have done all that we 'can' do, fully and methodically, to the best of our present abilities, then we leave the rest to God. So often our efforts are insufficient to the tasks at hand, but we still have to give our full efforts - the full 5 loaves and 2 fish - not 4 or 3.
God needs us co-operating with him, employing the gifts and talents and energy He has given us. He expects this of us. I remember something Abraham Lincoln once said - "Do for no man what he can and should do for himself." If we are capable of doing 'a,b,c' then we are responsible to do it. If we can't do 'f,g,h', then we need to leave this up to God.
As for your second question, I would like you to email it to me - I am not sure what you are getting at, or the circumstances surrounding it - as such, I don't know what to say - but I'm sure I'll have an opinion on it as I usually have an opinion on everything! :-)
Please contact me directly, with this, or any other question - I'll await your email!
I'm not sure I've grasped fully what you were trying to say above, but after re-reading your post, I think that one more comment is in place . God has given us free will and reason and expects us to use them. What we think and feel, our circumstances - all these are indications of God's Will too, if our heart is of good will.
We are made in God's image - the ability to think, choose, love - he doesn't want us to forfeit these. He wants us to use them. Discernment in family size is very much a spousal responsibility. He wants us to be reasonable and examine our situation. If we see serious reasons for the postponement of a pregnancy, then chances are God does too!
We are not robots, but 'co-operators' with God. He wants to work with us, and wants us to work with Him, not just ignore our present circumstances, ignore our reason, ignore our stress...
The key is - we do our part, God does his. There are two sides to this coin...
Hi Holly and Others,
First, I have enjoyed reading "A Mother's Rule." The book and philosophy reflect my own conclusions and lifestyle in my mothering and spiritual journey. Thank you, Holly!
Second, I would like to comment on your response to the mother who questions how to live her rule while experiencing morning sickness and pregnancy. Although I would generally agree with what you say in this response as well in your marital chastity post. I am a proponent of NFP, but I think it is not correct to suggest that the use of NFP should be the de facto status quo of marital practice. In other words, shouldn't couples be primarily enjoying their marital love in complete freedom and trust in God as the ideal while generouly accepting as a blessing any babies that result? It seems to me that historically, spiritually, and biologically this is what the Catholic Church teaches. When NFP comes into play is when spiritually, physically, emotionally, or financially there is an apparant grave or serious reason to prayerfully avoid pregnancy through the use of NFP. For some, using NFP, or going further and embracing full abstinance *prayfully and for an agreed upon time* is almost an act of penance. Couples should even actively try to correct the things in their life that causes them to feel the need to avoid pregnancy. For instance, correct health issues if possible, budget better in order to correct financial problems, work on a marriage, parenting skills, organizational skills, etc..
I also realize that God has probably called other families to practice NFP in order to allow them to fulfill other missions and callings and that some of the situations we find ourselves in (health, financial) may be completly out of our control and not the result of lack of virtue.
I just think it is misleading to suggest to families that the answer to the challenges of childrearing or family life is to practice NFP. In my own life, I have had seven babies and one miscarriage in eleven years. We homeschool too. I have experienced severe nausuea, depression, financial challenges, snide comments, and exhaustion, as one may expect a mother of a large family would. However, I can honestly say that God has brought us through each of these challenges beautifully. God has given us so much grace and many blessings because of our openness to him, graces that I don't think we would enjoy had we practiced NFP. Now, that is OUR experience, and I know that God deals lovingly with all of us differently given our unique callings.
My response to the motherin question would be different. I would laud her openness to God's will. I would encourage her that she may experience future pregnancies differetly. I would also suggest that she may be able to manage her pregnancy symptoms by addressing some underlying health issues. I would encourage her to see beyond this time in her life when she has all little ones to a time when the children will be older and more helpful. I would encourage her to find ways to be more organized, to eliminate things that are unnecessary burdens or stressors. I would encourage her to find friends and mentors in her life who can help her manage the challenges of small children and pregnancy. I would encourage her to pray!
God Bless! Gotta go, have a baby who needs me!
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Dear Anonymous!
Thanks for your response and please have patience while I address it. You raise many good points, but there is no conflict between what you and I believe as per Catholic teaching.
First off, let me say your counsels re: attending to possible health issues, not fearing the present or trials, organizing better so as to be able to handle more children , eliminating other stressors and enlisting the help of family and friends are all excellent ideas and things I too believe ought to be looked at. Your point is well taken, so thank you.
However, there are other things to clear here, and the first, is that nothing I stated is opposed to Church teaching, nor contrary to openness to life. It is a weighty topic, but let me try to explain.
First off, we need to define clearly what I mean by NFP. In your response , you are making NFP synonomous with "a method geared to avoiding pregnancy". In this instance then, to practice NFP continually would be against church teaching if the intent to 'forfeit parenthood' (as JPII says) is present. We cannot 'use' NFP in such a way as to foster a 'contraceptive mentality or intent'.
But NFP does NOT mean "avoiding pregnancy". NFP is a legitmate natural way to 'regulate births'. This is different than 'just avoiding'. Think about this: it is like a thermostat which 'regulates' temperature. we turn it down when it is too hot, and we turn it up when it is too cold. There is a negative and a positive action using the same thermostat.
THUS! NFP is used to 'regulate' births - legitimately - by avoiding pregnancy when there are 'serious' circumstances and by 'accepting' or 'seeking' pregnancy when there are either a) no indications of serious problems, or even b) when the couple discerns the specific call of God to create with Him another child.
Thus, NFP has a dual action and both are meant to be that of discerning God's Will. I cannot enter into using NFP full time with out the subsequent responsibility of discerning the time TO conceive as well as the time NOT TO conceive. Do you see the difference here?
In addition, there must always be implicity the acceptance of possible pregnancy even if the couple don't want another baby right now. It is in the intent, as is so much else with morality.
You mention "Shouldn't couples be primarily enjoying their marital love in complete freedom and trust in God as the ideal, while generously accepting any babies that result."
Yes, we should trust in God. But God gave Adam in the Garden of Eden the command to place nature under his 'dominion'. This means the conscious exercise of reason and will, (which is how we are made in God's image) to subdue nature, harness it, and bring it in line with "God's intent". That we seek to employ our reason in cooperating with God instead of being unthinkingly subservient to the laws of nature expressed in the woman's cycle - where is the problem with this? It is in fact a call to even greater trust in God that he will tell us when another child is to come, that we will actually hear his voice on this, and we can consciously choose to participate. There is tremendous freedom in this.
And freedom is 'taking on responsibility for who God intended you to be." Freedom never means 'taking no responsibility', does it?
Lastly, that periodic continence for reason other than birth regulation, say for religious reasons, is legitmate - this is clearly spelled out in Catholic teaching. In addition, not only does NFP used as a birth 'regulation' aid the couple in spacing births according to the call of God, but it also a way to conquer the concupiscience very powerfully felt in regards to sexual drives. This type of periodic continence is actually considered a virtue, not just a penance.
Space is short here, and I suppose we could get into this some more. Two things - please look at "Love and Responsibility" by Pope John Paul II. It is heavy reading, but the principles are all there. I have asked my priest friend to forward other references on this, which I will post when he sends them. There was a show on EWTN just last week or so, the 'Health and Medicine' show ( can't remember it's specific name) which my husband said covered just these points.
Secondly, if you wish to discuss this further, please email me and I might be able to put the information up as an article in Holly's Notebook.
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